Here's some real gems!
Now, our fifth element is crucial. Although it has no exact proportion, it is the spice.
H: He who controls the spice, controls the universe.
|Alton Brown: Now my wife may think
she's locked me out
of the kitchen but MacGyver's not my patron saint for
|Alton Brown: When proteins get hot they tend to tangle
up tighter than teenagers at a dance. And when they
bond up tight enough, they over coagulate. And when
they over coagulate, they can curdle. And any cook or
parent will tell you that leads to trouble.
Stand there. There are a lot of features in today's
toasters. But if you're really shopping for one, there are
a few things you definitely want to look for. For
instance, see this? That's a cancel button in case you
change your mind. You just hit that, it's all over with.
Uh, I like to have a defrost feature, you know, for
frozen foods, frozen waffles, things like that. Oh, a
cool-touch chassis so it won't heat up even after
repeated toastings. Oh, a good set of ejectors is nice.
And a place to coil up ... I got it, Paul ... a place to coil
up the extra cord on the bottom. And most of all, you
want to have at least 6 to 7 browning settings.
I made this one. It goes to 11.
Why not just make 10 higher?
PM: But, it goes to 11.
AB: Okay, hey, hey. You know what? Time out, Paul. Time
|Alton Brown: That dingo ate my belly.|
|Alton Brown: Slicing a warm slab of bacon is a lot like
giving a ferret a shave. No matter how careful you are,
somebody's going to get hurt.
Now, wet stuff does not like sticking to
[speaking on coffee]
AB: That's what I wanted to hear. All right, we've got a lot
[speaking of boiling temperatures]
|AB: Now really last but not least, two smashed and
chopped cloves of garlic. Now, why garlic? Hey,
garlic don't need no reason.
|AB: Candy making is basically the manipulation of sucrose
by heat. Um, taffy, jawbreakers, fudge, divinity,
butterscotch are all made possible by the fact that
between 230 and 350 degrees plain old table sugar,
sucrose, goes through more changes than a teenager
during prom week.
|AB: For those of you who might have grown up in the city,
these are cattle.
|Alton Brown: You like my drawing? You like my cow
Mel Coleman: Yeah, that's a pretty good square cow.
AB: Would a steer have a nose ring ...
MC: Uh, ...
AB: ... these days?
MC: Not on our ranch, no.
AB: Uh, not on your ranch, no. Not on mine either.
MC: Now, these are antennas I guess. [points to horns]
AB: Uh, yeah. Those are antennas, Mel.
MC: AM and FM.
AB: Um, thanks a lot, Mel. That makes me feel great.
|[in reference to thermometers]
Alton Brown: Heh, good for steak?
Sally Bernhardt: No, this a candy thermometer.
AB: Okay, how about this little guy? This looks ...
SB: That's a cappuccino frother thermometer so you don't
burn the milk in your cappuccino.
AB: You're joking.
SB: No, I'm not.
AB: How have I lived without that all this time?
AB: Now, medium starch potatoes do look kind of like
Russets but they always have [a] lighter kind of thinner
skin. Now, varieties like this Yukon Gold, Kennebecs,
Superiors or, say, these California Longs are for some
reason always marketed as white. Racism. It's ugly. Even
|AB: "The chicken," it's been said, "is just an eggs way of
making more eggs." And, since she can grind out 1 about
every 25 hours the female Gallous here could be
considered an egg factory, no rooster necessary. And
since she's a cumulative layer as along as someone keeps
taking them, she'll keep making them, 365 days a year,
no Lamaze, no epidural. Now that's dedication!
|AB: Like the hat?|
[on cooking pilaf]
|AB: [handing an apple to a doctor] Here you go. This
should keep you away from yourself for at least a day.
How do you like them apples?
|AB: But, consider this: if you're capable of converting a
common crimini into truly good eats just think of what
you'll be able to do the next time you see a porchini
pop up in your yard ... supermarket, pop up in your
supermarket. That's what I meant to say.
|Paul Merchant: Yeah. Today's new generation of toasters,
uh, utilizes ...
Alton Brown: Keep calm, keep calm.
PM: ... quartz technology. Uh, they have heating bars,
they have micro-coils, uh, sensors. They can think for
AB: Yeah, well.
SM: I thought toasters had two slots.
PM: Uh, but the single slot is far more flexible. You can
toast up to three bagels, a large slice of rye, ...
AB: Keep calm.
PM: ... pita halves, pound cake, waffles, [getting more
excited] flounder, even ...
AB: Okay, okay, okay. Just stand here a second.
|Alton Brown: Mom, where did you get a helicopter?
Mrs. Brown: It's Emeril's. I called him. He's the nicest guy.
AB: Emeril has a helicopter.
MRS: A V-22 Osprey.
|[on converting sugar to caramel]
Alton Brown: Now pushing sugar to the limit doesn’t take
much skill. But nerves of steel are a plus, because
basically you’re playing chicken with the sugar. You
see, you want it dark, really dark cause that’s where
the roasty, toasty flavors are. But things are moving so
fast now that if you answer the phone, yell at the dog,
see who’s at the door, stop to take a picture of that
UFO or brush that tarantula from your shoulder you
could end up with a pan load of carbon.
Now it’s getting darker. Darker. But wait. Wait.
Don’t look at the UFO. [UFO flies by] Wait. Then the
instance you see wisps of smoke coming from the
surface of the pot you go to action. Removing it from
the heat and at arms length dumping in your cream.
Whew. What a rush.
|[discussing butter oxidizing]
Alton Brown: Exactly. The butterfat reacts with the
oxygen either from the air or in the water inside the
butter itself to create butyric acid. That leads to
rancidity and rancidity and tastes like ...
Judge Eato: Yak back.
AB: Old, wet Yak back to be exact.
|Judge Eato: What exactly is this shallot?
Alton Brown: Well structurally it's like, well, imagine if
an onion and head of garlic got together and got
married and had a kid.
JE: Is that legal?
Alton Brown: Now follow this with three tablespoons of
|AB: As far as the fire? Ah, forget about it. It's going to go
out. That's what fires do.
|AB: Hey, what's up, Chuck?
C: Yo, Mr. Brown. This is the pot roast aisle, right?
AB: Well, there's not really a pot roast aisle per se ...
C: Well, 'cuase it's Thursday night and Thursday night is
pot roast night at mom's. She usually make's it
AB: Why isn't she making it tonight?
C: She's gone. Mom's gone.
AB: Oh, man. I ... Chuck, I didn't know. Was it her ticker?
C: Branson, Missouri.
AB: Oh, she ditched you for Tony Orlando. That's harsh.
C: Yeah. And on pot roast night, too.
AB: Whof. Tie a yellow ribbon around that.
AB: Ahh. Okay. So would you say that eating honey is
|Alton Brown: Well, no not really. Look, I understand that
that's protein to feed the hive but tell me. Where's the
nectar that you've been gathering on all your flights?
Bee #1: [spits out nectar through tube in mouth]
AB: Eeh. I thought only supermodels did that kind of
AB: So on one hand, honey is an amazingly sophisticated
and efficient food source. On the other hand it's bee
|[At the Franco-Mart]
AB: Okay. I'll take the baret for sure. I gotta have that
barrette. And, um, that pillow, that "I'd rather be in
Paris" pillow. Oh, yeah. That's nice. Um, the Jerry
Lewis box set and, uh, oh is that a French for Stupid
American Cooks? Definitely need one of those. Oh yeah.
That'll be great. I'll take this bumper sticker and one of
these, one of these flags. Hey, is that one of this grill
medallions under there? Yeah, I want one of those for
my ... and a key chain.
|[Discussing Crępe Pans]
Shirley Corriher: Have you tried other pans?
Alton Brown: But Shirley, I've tried every pan in the joint.
SC: Did you try a crępe pan?
AB: I don't have a crępe pan. Do I need one?
SC: Are you making crępes?
AB: I'm trying to.
SC: Bingo. Alton, honey, I gotta to go. I've got another
chef on the other line and he's already taking off his
Alton Brown: Of course, uh, peak performance is
predicated on proper pan preparation.
|Alton Brown: Don't thank me, Chuck. I'm only here
because a bet's a bet.
Patty: Ha. I guess you didn't know about Chucky being
National Junior Wacky Golf Champion four years running.
AB: No. I regrettably let my Wacky Golf Weekly expire.
Ned: I found Patty's camera but no Patty.
| Patty: Hi, boys. Any luck?
huck: Patty Cake? Oh, woowoooo.
P: This is Rrrrronco. He saved me.
Ronco: She fell from the ...
P: ... the, the, levy.
R: ... and my boat was near by.
P: What luck. Heh.
N: Did you see him?
N: Him! Giant squid-man.
P: Oh, that's just a silly old legend.
C: How come your shoes are dry then?
P: Oh ... I'm famished.
R: I have a case of crabs to deliver.
Alton Brown: Wow. Look at that tight pattern. That's
really beautiful. You know, uh, being ambisinister I think
I'll opt for the more neoteric of the, uh, quintuplet. And
although I delectate in discommoding you, I will tarry
here no longer. As always, you have been
|Alton Brown: There are all of these warnings and
incantations and unnatural rituals and everything's veiled
in this threat of "you mess with the mayo, the mayo
mess with you, man."
|(speaking of frying potatoes)
Alton Brown: So, after two to three minutes and 375° oil
what was once limp and pallid is now crisp and golden
brown (I've always wanted to say that.)
|Alton Brown: Pizza dough gets its rise from the gas
produced by billions and billions of unicellular fungi
called ' yeast' that chomp down on the sugar in
flour-based doughs. Have a look. They are real pigs.
And once there little feeding frenzy is over ...
Yeast: [belching sounds]
... that's right. Yeast belch makes bread rise.
|Alton Brown: Perhaps it's the griddle. Ah, yes. That wide
open plane of inch thick, high carbon steel. It's dense
so it heats evenly and cooks evenly. There's plenty of
room to flip things around on there. And, hey, it's as
slick as the back seat in Shaft's El Dorado.
|Alton Brown: Of course, we're not going to
more fresh ingredients because we're all out of hand
|" ... but that's another show."|
|" ... now the secret to _________, and I'm not saying there is one ..."|
|" ... we're dealing with a culinary ticking time bomb."|
|" ... makes great refrigerator Velcro."|
|" I have told you time and time again that I'm not a nutritional anthropologist."|
|" ... is a great / has got to / love / appreciate a multi-task(er)."|
|" ... and it will bring a lot of _________ to the party."|
|" ... do it's Voodoo."|
|" ... but that's okay."|
|"Now, wash those (insert meat here) hands." [see below]|
|" ... works and plays well with others ..."|
|" ... the rest of the hardware ...", " ... now, the software ..."|
|" ... other worldly ..."|
|" ... gets/catching the funk ..."|
|" ... put the spurs to her/it ..."|
|"Thank you, Thing."|
|"Your patience will be rewarded."|
|1||Wash these nasty chicken hands.||A Bird In The Pan|
|2||Wash those turkey hands.||Romancing The Bird|
|3||Wash those porky hands.||Pork Fiction|
|4||Wash those fishy hands.||Where There's Smoke There's Fish|
|5||I'd better wash those charcoal-ly hands.||The Other Red Meat|
|6||Wash those beety hands.||Beet It|
|7||Wash those lamby hands.||Fruit Ten From Outer Space|
|8||Wash these engine-y hands||There Will Be Oil|
|9||Wash those oystery hands||'Twas The Night Before Good Eats|
Last Edited on 08/27/2010