SCENE 1
Main Street, USA

GUEST: Coco Carl
            Director

DIRECTOR: [off camera] Action!

COCO CARL: [toward camera holding mic] Howdy, howdy, howdy, folks. Coco Carl here on Main Street, USA, giving ordinary folks a little taste of the extra-ordinary flavor of Coco Carl's chocolaty concoctions. Here's comes an ordinary American now. Hello there, Mr. Ordinary American.
AB: Hi.
CC: How about a taste of Coco Carl's Bake-In-The-Box Brownie? Eeh.
AB: [takes a bite, grimaces, turns and spits it back into the bowl]
CC: Don't you just love that deep, chocolaty flavor? Heh.
AB: Yeah, that's really good. Thanks.
CC: He loves, it. Heh! How about a sip of Coco Carl's Cocoa Cup?
AB: What, what are those little white things there?
CC: Well those are Coco Carl's magic marshmallows.
AB: I'm allergic to those. [tries to leave]
CC: Oh, you don't know what you're missing.
AB: Oh, I think I do. I do.
CC: Well, try one more thing here. This is Coco Carl's latest creation, Coco Carl's Big Brown Squeeeeeeeeeze.
AB: Well it's, it's big and it's brown ...
CC: Yep.
AB: Oh, gee. Isn't that tasty. [tries to leave again]
CC: Ha. So you see ... Hey, wait a second. Come here, partner. [drags him back] So you see, the regular American loves Coco Carl's chocolaty concoctions. That just goes to show ya. Next time you got a hankering for chocolate, let Coco Carl do all the work.
AB: What work? Look, I can make all this stuff at home from scratch for like no time at all.
CC: Well, don't forget Coco Carl's secret ingredients. That's right folks.
AB: Oh, you mean like xenol-ethal-chloro ...
CC: Oh. Well ...
AB: Hey. You know the last time I saw this word it was on the side of a paint can.
CC: Well, that's about all the time we have.
AB: You know, I'm thinking maybe Coco Carl thinks we're stupid. Well do you, punk?
CC: [frightened] uuuhhh, ... [runs off]

    [laughs] Well, I guess Coco Carl just doesn't realize that as long as you've got quality cocoa powder in the pantry and sound food-science in your soul, delicacies like these really can be good eats.

SCENE 2
The Kitchen

GUEST: Conrad Van Houten

Recent studies suggest hot cocoa may
help to prevent strokes or heart attackes.

[Alton is reading the fictitious book, The Big Book of Culinary Lies]
    In the annals of food mythology, few figures are as revered as one "Brownie" Schrumpf. The late 19th century baker-librarian who left the baking powder out of a chocolate cake one day and was brave enough to serve the results which actually became this country's favorite dessert. Now, uh, I have no idea whether Mrs. Schrumpf actually existed. But I am willing to bet that the brownie was born of just such a bungle.

    Now as with most baked goods, pan preparation is crucial. This is especially true of brownies which need to be de-panned while still warm and gooey so they can still be cut before they get crusty on the outside and ornery. Now you could use a, uh, non-stick pan—and we are—and you could use non-stick spray—which we are. But that wouldn't be enough because even then you could break up during exit.

It takes 2.35 tons of beans to make 1 ton of cocoa powder.

SCENE 3
Bed Bed & Beyond: Atlanta, GA - 10:22 am

GUEST: W, Gear Mistress

W: Mixing.
AB: What?
W: Why say 'integrating' when you can say 'mixing'? Why do you always have to go for the words with the most syllables?
AB: Okay. Sifters, please.
W: There are basically four sifter styles. The oldest of which is nothing more than a fine mesh basket. You add the ingredients ...
AB: Oh, kind of like this? [dumps flour into mesh basket]
W: Then tap with your palm or the handle of a spoon.
AB: Spoon. [begins tapping flour onto floor]
W: You know you're not supposed to bring food or drink into the store.
AB: Yeah, I know that. You know, uh, that does a pretty good job but it does seem like an awful lot of work. You got anything else?
W: Excuse me.
AB: Sure.
W: And then there are sweep-style sifters.
AB: Oh, just like my grandma. You know, she never made biscuits when she didn't break this thing out.
W: Which is why hers were always better than yours.
AB: Well, that may be true.
W: Well the problem with these is they tend to throw as much into the air as they sift.
AB: [sifts flour with a lot going up into the air] Yep, that sure does. I don't think I like that very much. You got anything else?
W: Shaker sifters which utilize a swivel handle rather than internal moving parts.
AB: Internal. Why'd you have to say 'internal'? Why couldn't you just say 'inside' like normal people? You always have to use such big words.
W: They're fast but a bit on the messy side.
AB: Wow. That's like a shotgun. [sifts more flour] Sorry about your pants. Um, anything else?
W: Then we have the spring loaded models which sift by moving a raking device across the screen or screens.
AB: Interesting. I like the looks of that.
W: They're fast and a lot less messy than other models but the problem is that the spring can wear some people's hands out before the sifting is done.
AB: Wow. Look at that tight pattern. That's really beautiful. You know, uh, being ambisinister I think I'll opt for the more neoteric of the, uh, quintuplet [sic]. And although I delectate in discommoding you, I will tarry here no longer. As always, you have been supernumerary.*
W: And as always you've been super-numbing.
AB: [leaves]
W: [sighs] Clean up on aisle four and five.

SCENE 4
The Kitchen

    Now, uh, why bother with this step? Well, basically eggs when they're whole form are kind of like a salad dressing. I mean you've got an oily component and a watery component and they don't like to get along with each other or anything else for that matter. By beating them you create a kind of an emulsion and that is going to make it much easier to integrate ingredients later on. And that means a smoother batter.

Over-whipped eggs and sugar produce hard bricks instead of chewy brownies.

    You'll know you've got an emulsion when the eggs are light in color and in texture. And just turn your mixer down to its lowest setting and contemplate the dry goods. I like to sift everything together: the two sugars, the flour, the salt and last but not least, of course, the cocoa powder. Now just get this sifted right in to the ... right in to the work ... [can't find way to sift into work bowl, grabs flexible board as a slide into bowl and sifts on that] ... bowl. Heh. Yeah.
    There. Now as soon as the dry ingredients are integrated into the eggs, you can add the wet works: the vanilla and the butter. But go slow on the butter. This is just like making a salad dressing. We may already have an emulsion in there but if you dump all the fat in at once, it's just going to pool up on top of the other ingredients. Nice and slow. You also don't want to beat this too long because you don't want to get too much air in the batter or you'll just turn this into a cake instead of a brownie. And you never want to do this at a high speed for the very same reason. Now give this about 30 seconds, scrape down the side of the bowl, go about another 10. Then you're ready to face the pan.

Cocoa can be substituted for baking chocolate. Use 3 Tbs. cocoa
and 1 Tbs. butter for each ounce of unsweetened baking chocolate.

SCENE 5
The Kitchen

GUEST: Mouth

    Now your average brownie recipe usually calls for at least an hour in the hot box but, uh, I like mine on the moist side so I usually go for 45 minutes and then I take a core sample just to see what's going on in there. And to do that I like a toothpick. I really think that those metal, uh, cake probes are just too smooth to give you any real data. Right down in the middle. That's what I want to see, just a little bit of crumb on there. Perfect.
    Now the trick here is to get these cut before they cool down. Now if it weren't for our parchment sling here, we'd have to flip these out on to one plate and then flip again on to another which might cause breakage. This way they're safe. Now when it comes to cutting, knives tend to crush and crack brownies so I go with my pizza cutter. Yeah it might be named after a pizza but what a multi-tasker it is. One cut this way. One cut this way. [cuts into 9 pieces] There. Now up on to a rack to finish cooling. That way we won't get any condensation to build up. Now, uh, if I only had a nice glass ... [spies milk] aaahh. [takes bite] Mmmm. Almost forgot. My rule is if it's baked, I use natural cocoa powder because it's sharp enough to cut through the fat and the sugar of those kinds of recipes. Mmm. True, the color won't be quite as deep and as dark but ... you know? [noting milk] Something else here that could use some deep and dark. I think we can take care of that.

Theobroma Cacao, the botanical name for
the cocoa tree, means "Food of the Gods".

    Now you're going to be sitting here whisking and you're going to start thinking that this is never going to come together. But believe me, as soon as the cocoa butter in the cocoa powder loosens up and melts, this is going to come together into a nice smooth sauce.

    Now let this come back to a boil at high heat but watch it close. As soon as it starts to bubble, back it down to medium heat and let it reduce slowly until thickened. How long is that going to take? Uh, uh. Not going to tell you. There's just no way to know. Depends on the pan, depends on your cook top. You're just going to have to pay attention.
    This is what you're looking for when it's done cooking. Sure it looks a little watery now, but believe me in just a few hours this will set up into a perfect syrup. But now is the time to move it around, if you want to. And I like to keep mine in a, uh, in a little, uh, squeeze bottle. This [pan/syrup] is hot. This [hand] isn't. Let's keep it that way. Be very, very careful here, especially when you start the pour. You never can be sure where it's going to go. Go very, very slowly here.
    Now, uh, you know one of the best things about making your own chocolate syrup is that you get to control the ingredients. The, uh, stuff that, uh, Coco Carl puts out on the shelf, that's probably the cheapest cocoa powder he can get his hands on. You can use real quality stuff and that's going to definitely affect the flavor of your syrup. [pauses, still pouring] I didn't say it was fast.

To reheat sauce, place squeeze bottle in hot water for 10 minutes.

    There. I'm going to let that finish, uh, draining by itself. The other thing is you want to leave this open for awhile to, uh, let any condensation out. Uh, and let it cool on the counter before you put on the lid. Now it looks like I've got a little bit left over. I wonder if ... [glass of milk appears] Well, would you look at that. [pours remaining in milk]

Daniel Peter of Switzerland is credited with
the original recipe for milk chocolate in 1876.

SCENE 6
The Den & Kitchen

    This history books tell us that at the height of his power, the household of Montezuma the second consumed 50 gallons of hot chocolate a day, every day of the year. In fact, rumor has it that the great Aztec's last official act of state was to pour a tall frothy one for a blonde guy named Cortez who really enjoyed the drink and repaid the favor by wiping out Montezuma's entire civilization.

    [reading newspaper] Ooo. Indicted. Ouch. Ooo. Mmm. [laughs] He's in big trouble.

Proof Reading help from Sue Libretti and Anthony Foglia

*Translation:
AB: You know, uh, being clumsy, I think I'll choose the new one of the five [sic]. And although I love bothering you, I won't stay. As always, you have been your usual self.

**Molinillo: Spanish for "grinder" or "little grinder"

Last Edited on 08/27/2010

The real article above the fictitious Coco Carl article

Partisan Economic Fight May Dominate '02 Session
Scott Shepard - Cox Washington Bureau
Wednesday, January 23, 2002

Washington --- Just four months ago, Republicans and Democrats gathered on the Capitol steps in a singing, flag-waving display of solidarity against terrorism. Now, the strains of "God Bless America" have all but faded away in Congress.

The harmony been replaced by partisan bickering as the lawmakers return this week. It is a sign that their full agenda will be driven as much by election-year posturing as by sincere attempts to address the needs of a country engaged in war, slowed by recession and returning to budget deficits.

Add to the volatile mix the problems from the bankruptcy of Enron Corp., and you have a recipe for stalemate.

"The Enron investigation will soak up a lot of air time that otherwise would go toward debating the issues," said Darrell West, a Brown University professor and author of "Congress and Economic Policymaking."

"Look for Democrats to attempt to 'Clintonize' Republicans by focusing on scandal and personal malfeasance," West said. "Democrats will use the Enron issue to make their broader point that the GOP cozies up to corporate donors while refusing to provide prescription drugs for needy seniors."

At least nine congressional committees are investigating various aspects of Enron's collapse.

The outlook for legislative action is not as bleak as it might appear, because the prospect of political extinction often breeds a willingness to compromise.

"Congress can pass major legislation in midterm years, because the consequences of not acting can be so dreadful that fear will get them to move together," John Pitney said. Pitney is a former Republican strategist who now teaches political science at Claremont College in California.

In 1996, for example, after nearly a year of political jousting, President Bill Clinton and the Republican majority in both houses of Congress reached an agreement about overhauling the country's welfare system.

Six years earlier, President George Bush and the Democratic majority in both houses of Congress overhauled the budget process, even though the agreement's tax increases broke the president's memorable campaign pledge of "Read my lips: no new taxes!"

"I have no illusions that the work ahead will be easy," Sen. Edward Kennedy (D-Mass.) said about the upcoming debates in Congress. But after positions "once regarded as non-negotiable give way," Kennedy said, compromise is possible, even on the most contentious issues.

However, that point seems far away on many issues, especially the economy, traditionally politicians' No. 1 concern in an election year.

Bush, despite a campaign promise to "change the tone in Washington," has made it clear that Democrats will delay parts of his 10-year, $1.35 trillion tax cut law only "over my dead body."

Democratic leaders of Congress have tried to blame the recession almost entirely on the president's tax policies. Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle (D-S.D.) recently lamented "the most dramatic fiscal deterioration in our nation's history," apparently failing to consider the Great Depression of the 1930s.

Democrats have given unqualified support to Bush's war on terrorism and his efforts to bolster security at home, but they see political opportunities in challenging him on his handling of the economy and on a number of domestic issues left over from last year. They include:

> Enacting a patient's bill of rights.

> Expanding Medicare to provide prescription drug benefits.

> Blocking proposals to privatize Social Security.

> Passing an energy bill that promotes conservation and efficiency standards but prevents drilling for oil in the Arctic wilderness of Alaska.

> Increasing homeland security and conventional military forces rather than deploying a defense system against ballistic missiles.

> Reforming laws on campaign financing in order to minimize the influence of money.

The domestic issues are "totally separate" from the war effort, Rep. Nita Lowey (D-N.Y.) said. Lowey is chairwoman of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee, the group charged with helping elect Democrats to the House.

"Americans want you to support the president and his conduct of the war," Lowey said. "But how you deal with the economy and jobs is a fair issue of discussion."

Republicans counter that the Democrats merely are following the now-legendary political slogan from Clinton's 1992 presidential campaign: "It's the economy, stupid."

Democrats are taking their cues "directly from the James Carville political playbook," intent on "obstruction of the president's agenda on economic security," said Jack Oliver, deputy chairman of the Republican National Committee. The debate on Capitol Hill begins in earnest Feb. 4, when the president sends his budget to Congress. It will herald the return of deficit spending after just three years of surpluses.

At a breakfast with reporters last week, White House Budget Director Mitch Daniels declined to discuss the budget or deficits in detail. But he contended that the next fiscal year's deficit will be "by historical standards, very, very small."

In contrast, Sen. Kent Conrad (D-N.D.), chairman of the Senate Budget Committee, said the country is facing "oceans of red ink" in the years ahead.

Even as some of his advisers see signs of the recession abating, the president also will resume his push for the economic-stimulus bill that failed as Congress adjourned for the year in December. The president "would rather act and try to increase the chances of a quick and strong recovery as opposed to leaving it to luck," Daniels said.

It is questionable whether voters, their confidence rising since the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, will even care about the economic stimulus package come November.

"It appears most Americans believe the economy is already on course for improvement," said Lydia Saad of the Gallup polling organization. "Americans may be wondering what all the fuss is about."