SCENE 1
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AB: And that's the end of the show. Hey, you've been a really great audience. I'm going to take a little break but I'll be back in 20 minutes with more fantastic food magic. Food ... (sigh). Plebeians. I don't know. |
A. B. 's |
Oh, you don't believe that food's magic, huh? Okay. All right. Fine. Tell me this. How else but by magic could a plain, ordinary, pitcher of cow juice convert itself wonderfully and magically into a round of Camembert cheese? All right. That's mostly bacteria that does that. But ... Oh, oh, okay, okay, okay. I know. I know. I know. How about popcorn. Popcorn. How else but by the powers of magic could these tiny, little, little hard beads possibly convert themselves into giant piles of white fluffy goodness except by magic?
AB: [wipes away popcorn from lens] Sorry about that.
(sighs) All right, so that's mostly pressure from
water vapor. All right. I, I ... Oh.
I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. Ham. How else but by magic could this common, lowly, every-day
leg of pig convert itself into a rich, luscious, delicious, fragrant, wonderful,
beautiful, fragrant, did I mention ridiculously, delicious ham.
[applause]
All right. So there's some osmosis, chemistry, smoke and time involved. But, hey, any time you can feed 20 people for a buck a head, I say that's magic. Besides, if you're willing to try out a few spells of your own, you'll find that ham is not only magic but it's good eats.
All right. I admit that there's nothing really magical about my favorite porcine preparation but, I will tell you that it'll help if you know the lay of the ham. Okay?
Up here, you've got the loin. All chops or a really good roast right there. Down here you've got the belly. That's where the bacon comes from. Up here, the shoulder or Boston Butt. That is the home of fine barbeque. Right below that you've got the picnic shoulder, also known as the picnic ham. It can be smoked and cured but do not ever confuse it with the 'true' ham which runs from the aitch bone up here all the way down to the shank. This stuff is real magic. [hides pig under cape] Where'd it go? I don't know. |
Ham | Fat Back | Jowl | |
| Pork Loin | Shoulder Butt |
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| Spareribs | Picnic Shoulder |
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| Flank Bacon | Hock | |||
GUEST: Federal Agents 1, 2 & 3
Grocery
Shopper
If you were to take this fresh or green ham home and cook it, you'd end up with a really great roast. But, it wouldn't taste any more like ham than grape juice does fine burgundy. Now we can juice this analogy even further because this [ham] can be processed into nearly as many distinct final forms as this [grape juice]. In fact, even the federal government recognizes four distinct ham classifications.
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FEDERAL AGENT #1: The United States Department of Agriculture recognizes four classifications of processed ham, each defined by its water-to-protein ratio. A ham containing at least 20.5 percent protein and no added water may bear the label, "ham." A ham containing no less than 18.5 percent protein may be labeled "ham in natural juice." Such hams are usually sold on the bone and may be fully or partially cooked for your convenience. If a ham contains up to 10 percent added water while maintaining at least 17 percent protein, it must be labeled as, "ham, water added." Many ready-to-serve spiral sliced hams fall into this category. Hams labeled as "ham and water product" can legally contain more water than ham and are usually boned, reconstituted and molded or tumbled into a ham-like shape. |
Not actual USDA agents 20% protein + no H2O = Ham 18.5% protein = Ham in natural juice 17% protein = 10% H2O = Ham & water product |
AB: Ham like shape. You're kidding, right?
FA#1: [holds back FA#2 reaching for something in his coat pocket] If
after a curing, smoking, burning and cooking a ham's weight exceeds its original
green weight, it must be labeled according to the amount of water that has been added. And no, sir. We never kid.
AB: Okay. Okay. Settle down.
These may all call themselves
"ham", but the similarity really ends there. Now let me say that
when I see a pig grow a leg shaped like this, I'll consider eating eating a ham
that's shaped like this but not a minute before. Besides, most of the
reconstituted hams have been speed pickled via injection with something that
looks like this. Ew. Also, I'm kind of dubious about any ham
lacking a skeletal component, okay? Now even if bones didn't add to the
flavor of the ham and make terrific seasoning agents later on for soups, beans,
greens and the like, I'd still be troubled by the question of once the bones are
gone, what holds this together? Could it be erythor* ...
I can't even say it.
Now by far, the largest groups of market hams are referred to
as 'city' hams. Now whether they are "water-added" or "in
natural juice," these hams are partially cured in a sweet brine before
being lightly smoked and cooked. But these are mild-mannered,
crowd-pleasing hams which make up for their lack of depth with a user-friendly
versatility.
Now city hams usually come in one of two different halves. Now this is a shank end and here is a rump end right
here. Now this looks
like it might be easier to carve and therefore a better value, but there's a lot of
connective tissue in there so I skip it and stick with the shank end.
Country hams are a whole other food. First, they are
rubbed or packed in a dry cure composed of salt, sodium nitrate, and sometimes
sugar and pepper. After that they're hung, sometimes for months, sometimes
with smoke, sometimes without. Now during that time, the salt pulls
moisture out of the ham leaving it a bacterial desert not to mention a whole
lot wider than when it started. The resulting flavors are amazingly complex. It's almost like a small batch
bourbon. And the texture has
been compared to fine aged cheddar.
Did you know the famed Presunto hams
of Portugal,
Westphalia's Schinker hams, Serrano hams
of Spain and Italy's Prosciutto are all forms of country ham.
How is it that country hams can laugh in the face of refrigeration without ill effect? Because they're dehydrated, biological salt licks, hibernating mud skippers, mummies if you like.
And
mummies just aren't known for their good looks. Of course if you've been
packed in salt and hung up in a sack for a year or two, you'd probably need a
long soak, too, and that is all that this needs. But, we've got this hock
down here. Now I admit that makes a very respectable handle, but in the
world of kitchen currency this has higher value elsewhere, i.e. a big old pot of
collard greens. So, ask your butcher to take it off or take matters into
you own hands. [saws it off]
When you co..., ahh. There we go. Now, freeze that
and use it later. As for this, well, it needs to soak but I don't have a
pot this big. But I do have ...
... a cooler. It's even got a little drain right here on the bottom for easy water changes. Now why would I want to give a ham a bath? Well, the same reason we brined that turkey in our Pulitzer winning episode, Romancing The Bird, only backwards. Imagine if you will, ...
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[voice over] ... that this night spot is our ham and it's packed with salt played by these dorky looking guys. Now we want that salt out of there but we're going to have to go in and get it and that means getting past this salt membrane which is kind of like a biological bouncer. Lucky for us he's got a weakness for balanced osmotic pressures so he'll happily let water, played by these lovely ladies, slide right on by. When they come out later on, they've got salt in tow. Of course, if we want to get more salt out, we'll have to send more water in. |
salt cell membrane water |
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Which is why I'll change this water twice a day for two days. That looks good. By the way, if you're going to do this outside, be sure to stash your cooler in the bushes else somebody's going to steal your ham and hock it. Never mind. |
change H20 twice |
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What does our country ham have in common with Forrest Gump? It's going to drink about 13 Dr. Peppers. Well, maybe not 13 but certainly enough to come half to two-thirds up the side up this disposable aluminum roasting pan. Now you can use any flavorful liquid you like—apple juice, wine, cola, beer, whatever. I tend to think sweeter is better. And you know, the Doctor just brings a certain twang to the party. Of course if you had some sweet pickle juice on hand—[is handed a jar of pickle juice] sweet— you could bring that on, too. |
3-4 Dr. Peppers will do |
Next we need a tent made from two pieces of wide aluminum foil crimped together down the middle. That's going to look kind of like something that fell off of Mir, okay? Now just crimp that on to the edges of the pan all the way around. Get a good seal but don't push down on the ham. We're not trying to wrap it. We're trying to tent it, give it an environment where the heat and moisture can circulate around. Yeah. Good seal. And into a 400 degree oven for half an hour.
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Now when that's up, drop the oven temperature to 325 and cook for another hour and a half. Then pull the whole thing out, take off the foil and flip the ham over so that the Doctor can get to work on the other side of the ham. Cover it back up, put it in and then insert the probe of your probe thermometer into the deepest part of the ham and set your target temperature to 140 degrees. |
400° for 1/2 hour 325° for 1 1/2 hour 140° |
Now if you don't have one of these, it doesn't mean you're a bad person. It just means that you're going to have to come back every half an hour and check the temperature by hand. How long is it going to take in the end? Well, that depends.
"Ham" is Old English for
"bend". Until the 16th century it
exclusively denoted the part
of the leg behind the knee.
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[Alton is reading, |
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[alarm is going off] (sighs) Ah. We have ham. Now if all has gone well, we will have a dark, mahogany beauty. Ah. There. Thermometer out. The moment of truth. Ah. Ah. There we go. Mir won't be using that anymore. Now that looks great. You notice that the meat which used to be all the way up to the level of the bone has drawn up. So it's really plumped up and gotten juicy. In fact, [wiggles bone], yep. See how loose that bone is? That's what the old timers would use as kind of a pop-up thermometer.
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So this is more than ready go but it needs to kind of rest for about half an hour before we carve. And that's going to give us just enough time to bone up on porcine anatomy. |
X-RAY DEPT |
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Here is our ham. Here, of course, is the rump end. This is the shank end. Now this little critter right here is called the aitch bone and it is a very inconvenient bone to have to get around. It is connected the to leg bone. The leg bone is connected to the knees bone. The knee bone is connected to the shank bone. The shank bone is connected to ... well, would be connected to the foot bone only this little piggy didn't make it to the market with its trotters intact. |
Aitch bone |
Now here's our strategy. We're going to harvest most of
our slices from the bottom two thirds of the ham starting from the shank end and
moving our way upwards. That way we will avoid the aitch bone and its blade confounding configuration.
So here we have the knee and I'm just going to take a
chunk off of the rump right above the knee cap. Now we've got kind of a nice platform
to work. There. So I'm going to come back about an inch from the
shank and take out a wedge. Now just follow this angle. Use it
almost as a template for slicing all the way back to the dreaded aitch bone. Just remember whatever you do, country ham is strong juju so slice
thinly.
Now besides the traditional applications, my favorite of which
is biscuits and ham, you can basically use this in any way that you would,
say, prosciutto. You can wrap it around pieces of melon, you can toss it
with some asparagus, maybe. What I usually do is carve the whole side like
that at the table, serve up everybody and then go back in the kitchen and just lop
off the rest of the big pieces of meat and just carve it up whenever. That'll leave you with the main piece of the rump at the
end. You can pick
that off and put it into, I don't know, soupings if you like. And
then, of course, that leaves the bone. And the bone, of course, is a whole
'nuther matter.
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I like to serve city hams at parties because people love them. They usually come in half portions and because, well, they're ... they're just pretty darn tasty as long as you take the time to tinker with them a little bit. |
CHEAP |
Now unlike country hams, city hams have been cooked but not
always to the same degree, okay? They've all been cooked to at least 137
degrees. Hot enough to kill the occasional microbial agent but not hot
enough to be called cooked from a culinary standpoint.
Now such hams are usually labeled, "partially
cooked" or "needs cooking." But most city hams have been
fully cooked and can call themselves, "ready to eat" or "fully
cooked" which isn't to say that they wouldn't profit from a long, slow,
manipulated reheating process, which means a little geometrical surgery.
We'll need our culinary scoring knife. Okay, it's a
utility knife, mat knife. Got it at the local hardware store. Open
it up to the second click, okay. Then you'll need a roasting pan with an
old kitchen towel in the bottom. Nothing fancy but clean, all right? Deposit your drained ham thusly. Now we're to execute the diamond pattern
that's adored by ham lovers everywhere. It goes like this. Start at
the bottom of the ham and barely moving on the diagonal, slice upwards and move
your way all the way around the ham. You don't have to get it exact. You don't have to be perfect about
it. But do make sure that you've got
the blade all the way in. What we're looking for here is uniformity of depth. What that's going to do is it's going to let a lot of excess fat
out during the cooking process and we could definitely stand to get rid of some.
And it's also going to open up kind of a portal to allow flavors in
which we'll definitely take advantage of a little later.
Now once you've worked your way all the way around like that,
we're going to go the other direction. I just put the knife in
the other hand and do the same cut but move upward the other way. And
watch out for your finger. There. You can see that diamond shape already
happening. That's going to open up even more in the oven. I really
think the utility knife is the best tool for this job because it's really the
only way to get a uniform cut. There we go.
Now once again, we will need a piece of Mir space station. If you can not get a piece of space station, it's another double width of wide
aluminum foil crimped together. And again, we're going to make a tent. You don't want to push it down on the
ham. You just want to
crimp it around the pan like this and make sure you get the handles. And
go for as tight of a seal as you can. Because basically we want to keep
heat and moisture in. There. Nothing really touching the ham so
there won't be any sticking. Good.
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Now most packages that city hams come in suggest baking or reheating at 350 degrees. I think that's just a little too hot. I like to go with a slower roast: 250 for 3 to 4 hours or until the deep dark center of that meat reaches a 130 degrees. And when that happens, we're ready for the crust. |
250° for 3 - 4 hours 130° at center |
Originally smoke was applied
to hams not because it tastes
good to humans, but because it tastes bad to flies.
The best ham crust that I have ever tasted
was invented by my grandmother, Ma Mae, who also makes a passable
batch of biscuits. Anyway, this thing is really delicious and for
years I've been asking her, "can I please have that recipe." And
she kept saying, "oh, it's too hard for you." And then finally,
last year for Christmas no less, I get an envelope containing The Recipe for her
ham crust. And I look at it. And I'm kind of feeling ripped off
because there's only 4 ingredients: brown sugar, mustard, bourbon—which I
always keep around in a spray bottle anyway—and the secret, she said,
gingersnap cookies pulverized in a food processor.
So I say to her,
"four ingredients? What's the big deal." She says,
"well, it's the way they're put together." I say, "well,
how are they put together?" She says, "next Christmas,
dear." So, I hope you like it because I gave up two whole years of
plaid boxers for it. Oh, all the other hardware? A basting brush.
Now let's see how our city cousin's doing here. Yeah,
that's coming along very nicely. Now as you can see by looking down
in the bottom of the pan, there's a good big of fat in the bottom of the pan and
that ran out from all of these perforations that we made.
Now this is
actually rind. That's the actual pork skin. And it tastes pretty
darn good if you treat it right, but crust doesn't stick to it real well so just
go around and quickly pull it off. It's only going to take a little bit of
effort.
| Okay, now we've got a nice platform for a glaze, okay? Meat all around. There's a little bit of fat but that's, that's good. We don't want things to be too dry. So, the first layer is a wet layer, the mustard. Just paint it on. I generally work from the bottom up. You don't have to get it super thick but you do kind of want to apply some pressure so that you really kind of get it in to all of those cracks. |
Layer 1: brown mustard |
| Layer two is a dry layer, brown sugar. The darker the better, okay? Brown sugar's got molasses in it and that's going to bring a lot of flavor to the party. Now this is kind of a two hand operation. Think sprinkle not push, okay? I'm just going to kind of sprinkle it on. Use one hand to kind of pat as it falls. You're going to get a little mustard on you, but you know what? That's okay. |
Layer 2: dark brown sugar |
| Now, odds are good that this is going to be wet enough to take on the next layer. But just in case, we're going to give it a little more flavor, bourbon. Just give it a light spritz. |
Layer 3: bourbon |
| The final layer? The secret. The gingersnap cookies. This is the thing she held out on me for so very long. Now basically we're going to repeat the same action we did with the brown sugar. This is just a sprinkling. I use two hands here ever so lightly. Now this layer we kind of want thick, okay? As thick as you can get it to take. |
Layer 4: pulverized |
| There. It's beautiful. But, it needs to go back into the oven and the crust needs a little more heat to set. So, raise your temperature to 350 degrees. This is only going to take about an hour. We just want to get the meat up about another 10 degrees and set that crust. |
350° that's 140° at center |
Which you can cut as thin or as thick as you like. I
like to kind of cut it on the bias. I get a little bit more crust that way. Now once you and yours have finished picking this off, I sure hope
you won't throw away the bone unless, of course, it's to throw it in that pot of
soup-ings you've got going over there. As far as keeping hold of this
thing, well truth is a set of vice grips does a pretty fine job.
Oh, we hope that we have wet your appetite for the
abracadabra that is the American ham. Whether you lean towards the city or
the country, you should stick to some pretty clear rules.
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Only buy hams that are clearly labeled as just plain 'ham' or 'ham in natural juices', okay? And stay away from anything that's shaped more like an iMac computer than a hind leg of an animal. Same thing for boneless cuts. It's just not natural. |
Ham Ham in natural juices |
If you buy a country ham, make sure you buy it far enough ahead to give it a couple of days time to soak. And always remember to slash a city ham to let some of that fat out. Either way, ham's magical stuff as well as good eats. Mmm.
Last Edited on 08/27/2010
