SCENE 1
Kroger

GUEST: Chuck

CHUCK: Sometimes the beauty's so great in the produce department that I can't stand it. It's like my heart is just going to cave in.
AB: You know, Chuck, you keep this up and it's your head that's going to cave in.
 C: Hi, Mr. Brown. Beautiful, isn't it?
AB: You're, uh, you're shooting video of fruit.
 C: Oh, vegetables, too. Did you see these cauliflowers?
AB: Yeah, yeah.
 C: So pure.
AB: I, I saw some of those.
 C: So ...
AB: I've got to ask you a question. Why?
 C:  Because they won't last and I want to remember everything.
AB: Well, then, then pickle them.
 C: Oh, come on, Mr. Brown. That's Depression era, Aunt Bee, kind of talk. I'm a high tech kind of guy.
AB: Well, let me tell ya, just because we don't have to preserve pickles doesn't mean we shouldn't preserve pickling. I mean, there are recipes for refrigerator pickles that besides being incredibly simple combine just out of this world flavors and textures.
 C: But I can buy pickles.
AB: Oh, you can buy pickles.

[a fight ensues, AB takes the camera away from Chuck]

 C: Oh. Oh. That hurt Mr. Brown.
AB: That's for your own good, Chuck. Hey, I like your camera. Nice resolution. Listen, let me tell you something. Until you have come in on a hot, July day—having mowed the lawn, of course—and thrown open the refrigerator and cracked open the lid to a jar of pickles that you made yourself and relished that crisp, clean, cool, tangy, tart, sweet, gestalt you don't even know what beauty is.
 C: But what if I get tired of cucumbers?
AB: Well, ksh, just name anything in the produce department?
 C: Cauliflowers?
AB: Pickles.
 C: Carrots?
AB: Pickles.
 C: Pears.
AB: Easy pickles. Believe me, Chuck, if you'll just take a little time to learn a few basic procedures, not only the whole produce section but the whole world will be your pickle and good eats.

SCENE 2
Road

GUEST: Deborah Duchon, Nutritional Anthropologist

    "On a hot day in Virginia I can think of nothing more comforting than a fine spiced pickle brought up trout-like from the sparkling depths of the aromatic jar kept below the stairs of Aunt Sally's cellar," or so wrote Thomas Jefferson. You know, many of the Mamas and the Papas of this fine country shared our third president's pickle passion: uh, George Washington, John Adams, Dolly Madison, Elvis Presley, all major pickle heads. The king, in fact, liked his dills deep fried. And, lest we forget, those peerless pickle pilgrims, the Pennsylvania Dutch, didn't come up with their concept of the Seven Sweets and Sours until after they settled on these shores.
    So, how is it that America the melting pot became America the pickle crock? I'd love to tell you but I'm not a fermentational historian ...

AB: ... and neither are you.
DEBORAH DUCHON: There is no such thing.
AB: Well, you can't blame a guy for trying.
DD: When the huddled masses started flocking to America they wanted to bring a taste of home and no taste of home is more portable than a pickle. So, the Koreans brought kimchi and the Indians brought chutney and the Germans brought sauerkraut and the Chinese brought pickled vegetables. Oh, by the way, the Chinese learned to pickle vegetables from the Tartars.
AB: The Tartars.
DD: Yes.
AB: I guess that's why tartar sauce always has pickles in it.
DD: That's what they say. And pickles also help stave off scurvy, you know.
AB: Ah, a potentially deadly disorder caused by an acute deficiency of vitamin C. During Columbus' time, in fact, it was the leading cause of death among sailors.
DD: Speaking of Columbus, have you ever heard of Amerigo Vespucci?
AB: Oh, sure. The famed cartographer of Seville known for his early maps of the North American coast.
DD: Started out as a pickle merchant.
AB: Get out of here.
DD: Really. He supplied Columbus with pickles and they end up naming a whole country with him.
AB: Which one?
DD: His name was Amerigo. Put it together, big guy.
AB: I guess it's safe to assume that there were pickles pre-1492?
DD: Oh, yes, but for that you must go to Egypt.
AB: Oh bother.

"Pickle" is thought to be a mispronunciation of "Beuklz",
the name of a 14th century Dutch fisherman known for his pickles.

SCENE 3
Cleopatra's Tomb: Egypt - 3:19 am

GUESTS: Roman Legionnaire, Napoleon, WWII Soldier, Mummy

    Oof. Pickling was invented about 4,000 B.C. in India as an effort to preserve food in that very un-food friendly climate. Now, as it gained popularity it migrated East and actually caught the eye of a woman looking to do a little nature cheatin' of her own, Cleopatra. Uh, proof the woman consumed pickles religiously believing that she would somehow absorb some of their preservative powers. There's even a legend that she was buried with thousands of jars of pickles sealed with a curse.
    Well, what I do know is that before the old girl became a pickle herself she managed to introduce them to a few of her friends. For instance — what's this? — ah, hah, hah, hah, her boyfriend, Julius Caesar, late of Rome, found pickles to be so invigorating that he ended up including them in all of his legionnaire's rations. And this began sort of a military, well, tradition that was followed by Napoleon who certainly knew that armies fight on their stomachs and by United States forces which during World War II actually consumed 40% of the nation's pickles.
    Now, as for the curse, that's just silly kid's stuff, but [mummy grabs him] ... AAAAAAHHHHGGGGH.

SCENE 4
The Kitchen

[Alton is reading, On Food And Cooking: The Science and Lore of the Kitchen, by Harold McGee]

    "Any food impregnated with and therefore preserved by an acid is a pickle." Now, there are hundreds of world pickle styles but only 2 true pickle schools. Now, fermented pickles such as kimchi, sauerkraut and kosher dills derive their particular piquancy from naturally occurring bacteria which migrate into their brine and produce lactic acid. Now, this lactic acid also serves as a kind of, oh, microbial bouncer preventing other less friendly bacteria from crashing the crock, so to speak.
    Now, these pickles are easy to make, mmm, and sublime to eat but they do require about the same level of maintenance as an ant farm which is more than some people can handle. For them there is infused pickles.

    Down pickle. Then all you have to do is bring said acid to a boil, add whatever flavors you want to bring to the party and the acid charges rapidly in to the target food rendering it a pickle in hours or days ... up pickle ... instead of weeks or months like fermented pickles.
    Now, let's meet the acids.    

The Expression "in a pickle" was coined by Shakespeare in "The Tempest".*

SCENE 5
Kroger: Alpharetta, GA - 10:40 am

    Okay, end of lecture.

Once opened, a bottle of vinegar will begin to lose its flavor after six months.

SCENE 6
The Kitchen

GUEST: Paul, Unwitting Test Subject
            B.A., Sinister Sibling

    As Caesar's legions knew all too well pickles can be produced with straight vinegar and they taste something like this.

PAUL: [eating a straight vinegar pickle]

Water is a crucial pickle ingredient.
If you don't like the flavor at the tap - use filtered or bottled water.

    I happen to like my pickles on the sweet side but sour is the preference of my brother. Why let my, uh, doppelganger into the house? Well, to help me to prove a point that by making miniscule alterations to the pickle's DNA we can produce radically different results. Ironic, don't you think?

    Now the spicy stuff, whole yellow mustard seeds.

There are two common varieties of mustard seed: white (yellow)
which are the most common, and brown which are smaller, but stronger.

    For color and flavor, ground turmeric ...

Like its cousin ginger, turmeric comes from a rhizome.
But unlike ginger it is almost never sold fresh.

    Celery seeds ...

Most celery seed comes from lovage,
a cousin of common celery native to India.

Pickling  Spices: a mixture of whole or coarsely ground allspice,
bay, cardamom, clove, coriander, ginger and mustard seed.

The word "kosher" added to a pickle means
that garlic has been added to the brine.

SCENE 7
The Kitchen

AB: Can we do this now? Thank you.

    The trick, now, is to pour very slowly and very, very gently over the pickles. Now, uh, in about half an hour you may notice that they have shrunk up enough to take up a little bit more of the liquid. But for now, just bring it right up to the top. Please do not splash. And be careful if you have a white counter because this stuff can stain it. There. Wait until it cools completely, top it off again and into the refrigerator.
    How long will these keep in here? Well, 4 out of the 5 microbes we polled say they can't stand the acidity in the there, but there are a few strains of mold and yeast that can live in there. So, you really shouldn't look at beyond 3 months. Personally, I've never kept any longer than 2 months but they didn't go bad, I, I ate them. Anyway, a good rule of thumb is if they start to grow fuzz, throw them out. Oh yeah, uh, 3 to 5 inch pickling cucumbers are best for this but anything from, uh, English cucumbers to even zucchini makes a swell Bread and Butter pickle.
    Infusion is a method which works and plays well with others. My brother, for instance, will convert this innocent looking of half pound of mini-carrots into combustible comestibles he calls, Firecrackers. While I elevate this humble sliced Bartlett pear and red plum into a cooling dessert pickle possessing hidden talents which I'll release on the Unabomber when he least expects it.

Gas ranges are rated by British Thermal Units (BTUs)
or, the heat required to raise the temperature of one pint of H₂O by 1°F.

    Now, since I'm not going to be opening up any spices I don't have to wait for this to come to a boil.

Unless whole spices are called for,
refrigerator pickle brines only need to simmer.

    It only has to be hot enough to melt the sugar. So, pour just as we did before, nice and slow and all the way to the top.

    Now, why a hot infusion? A hot infusion speeds the pickling process but cold infusions have their uses, too. Take, for instance, cauliflower. I mean, come on, let's be honest. Cauliflower just doesn't taste like much. It's one of the reasons it makes great pickles, curried pickles, no less.

Leftover pickle brine can be added to
marinades, salad dressings, or mayonnaise.

SCENE 8
The Kitchen

    For instance, pickling salt is great on popcorn. Kosher salt isn't. Pickling salt will clump up like a rock on a very humid day. Kosher salt won't. Pickling salt dissolves quickly and cleanly in cold liquids like our brine over there. Kosher salt only melts in very, very hot liquids. And, last and by no means least, any given volume of pickling salt weighs about a third more than the same amount of kosher salt.
    For instance, say that you've got a recipe that calls for 1/4 cup of pickling salt. You think, well that's no problem. I don't have any pickling salt hanging around the house so, uh, I'll use the same amount of kosher salt. Well, believe it or not, that is a problem because guess what. That's not apples to apples. In fact, if you have a recipe that calls for a teaspoon of pickling salt, you need to use a teaspoon and a half of kosher salt.

Americans consume some 20 billion pickles a year.

SCENE 9
The Kitchen (A week later)

    Well, here we are a week later and we're highly enthused about our infusions.

AB: Why don't you go ahead and try those fruit pickles there.
BA: [tries one]

    My secret weapon, of course, the juice. Now that it's all minty and mellow it's good for a lot of things. Heck, throw it on the rocks with some club soda and you've got some nice summer spritzer or you could even, uh, pop it in the ole ice cream maker and sorbet, tangy, sweet, perfect summer dessert.

AB: Beat that.
BA: [pours some of the Firecracker brine into AB's beer]

    Well, there's proof. One man's good eats is another man's, ... well, come to think of it that's probably pretty good.

BA: [indicates to try a Firecracker]
AB: Oh, thank you. I will try one. See you next time on Good Eats. [grimaces,
      coughs]
BA: Now that's what I call good eats.

SCENE 10

GUEST: Pennsylvania Dutchman

*The Tempest, Act V, Scene I

Proof Reading help from Jon Loonin.