SCENE 1
The Backyard
 This big old world of ours suffers no
shortage of edible oddities. Consider the roast guinea pigs Peru or Zanzibar's
ant pies, the bird nest soups of southeast Asia. If I told you what tacos
were originally meant to hold, you'd never look at a bait shop the same way
again. And yet, the weirdest food of all may just be lurking in your
refrigerator right now or at the very least your back yard.
 Mushrooms, like this agaricus bisporous, are strange feed
indeed. A fungus at once sinister and yet sublime, they kind of occupy that
middle ground between meat and vegetable, between science and superstition,
between the pit of man's stomach and the summit of his culinary knowledge. And yet, with the right care and simple cooking, well, mushrooms are welcome
citizens in that zone that we're proud to call good eats.
SCENE 2
Sher Rockee Mushroom Farms: Avondale, PA - 6:01 am
 Weird though it may be, the mushroom actually
has more in common with an apple than athlete's foot. That's because like
an apple a mushroom is a fruiting body, kind of seed delivery device. Only
the 'tree' happens to be embedded either in the ground or an old log, whatever
it happens to be growing on. Now, these underground
trees called 'mycelium' can live for a hundred years and can cover up to an acre
of land which makes them some of the largest living creatures on earth.
SCENE 3
The Kitchen
GUESTS: Mad French Chef
Kitchen
Apprentice
 Like most vegetables mushrooms continue to
breathe post harvest. But unlike, say, lettuce, mushrooms don't like holding their
breath. Locked away in plastic any mushroom worth its cap is going to
sweat itself to gooeyness in a matter of hours. On the other hand,
they dry out easily, too. So, the best we can do is play the middle.
| Now as soon as
I get them home I seal mine in a small paper bag. Now paper is a
good choice because it holds on to moisture while letting air pass through.
Even in here, though, mushrooms are going to go crazy in 3 or 4 days. So use them soon as you can. |
Seal in paper bag
Use in 3 - 4 days
 |
| If you insist
on keeping them in their little bucket, well, at least give them a few air
holes. |
Let 'em breath |
Lastly, don't wash them until you are ready
to cook the mushroom.
MAD FRENCH CHEF: What iz theez craziness you speak about?
Zee champignon must never touch zee water.
AB: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I hope he knows that this means war.
We've all heard that tired, old, kitchen myth that washing
mushrooms waterlogs them rendering them ...
MFC: Inedible! That's it.
Well the way we see it, a fresh mushroom
is already like a saturated sponge. So in order to water log it, you'd have to soak it
in a lot more water than it would take to just give it a good bath.
MFC: Ridiculous.
 To prove the point, I am going to wash these
mushrooms while my raving, French colleague cleans the exact same amount his
way, the brush. Just to keep things completely scientific we will give
mine a weigh both pre and post wash. So, we will know if water has been absorbed.
We've got 32 ounces or 2 pounds including the bowl.
 AB: Now chef, just to make you feel more at home we've enlisted
the aid of a kitchen apprentice for you to squawk at.
MFC: Ah, that's very thoughtful of you.
AB: Um, hm. Let's do it.
MFC: Alleze! Let's go!
[MFC and Asst. begin to clean the
mushrooms with a brush while AB puts them in a colander, rinses under cold
water, lays them out on paper towels to air dry and then roles them up for
storage]
  
MFC: Faster!
...
MFC: I'm fini. Where is that shoemaker?
AB: [enters reading a book,
sarcastically] What? Time to weigh in already?
Well, it seems that my mushrooms ...
AB: [to MFC]
... which were clean an hour ago ...
... have picked up a hefty 2 ounces or water.
MFC: Uh, huh. There, you see? I win.
|
AB: Yeah, not so fast, Frenchy. Besides the fact that 2 ounces hardly qualifies as water
logged I do declare that I spy a piece of dirt.
MFC: Aaaah. |
That's 1.5 grams of
H2O per 'shroom
 |
If your mushrooms aren't visibly
dirty, there's no need to wash them.
If they do need a bath, use cold water.
| In days of yore,
food scribes described mushrooms as vegetable meat. Now they may have
been off the mark botanically, but they were dead on culinarily because the
secret to cooking mushrooms is to treat them like a piece of meat. And to
us that means hot, fast, dry cooking methods like broiling, roasting, sautéing. |
 Broil
Roast
Fry
Sauté |
| Now, literally
translated sauté means 'jump' in French, but specifically it means to
cook small, uniform pieces of food in a little bit of fat in a very hot
pan and keep it constantly moving or 'jumping.' |
Sauté:
Small, uniform pieces
Small amount of fat
High heat
Constant movement |
| Now, the first
key to successful sautéing is uniformity of size which is why I'm cutting
all of my crimini mushrooms into exactly one quarter inch thick slices. Now, granted I've done a good bit of knife work over the
years and hey, practice does make perfect.
 |
Uniformity
1/4 inch thick |
|
[Camera pans down to show that his perfect slicing
is done by an egg slicer] Okay, so I
cheat. So, don't hate me just because I'm lazy.
But, the truth
is is that an egg slicer really is the perfect tool for cutting up meaty
mushrooms like criminis and white buttons. Now, if you're using
woodier stemmed mushrooms like shiitakes just use your kitchen sheers. Beats a knife any day. |
Crimini White
Oyster Porcini
Shiitake
Wood Ear
Chanterelle |
| Okay, number
two: heavy pan, high heat. I guess that's 2 and 3
actually. Heavy pans are dense and dense means that when food hits the
pan the heat will be maintained. That's how browning gets done. Now, ordinarily I
would do this in cast iron but watching
mushrooms cook on a black surface is kind of like taking a nap. So,
I'm using a traditional sauté pan. It's named for the job because
these straight sides provide for the widest possible cooking area. This goes over high heat. |
Heavy Pan
High Heat
Dense = Even Heating
 |
| That leads us
to rule number four: choose the right fat. Now, we need a high smoke
point to prevent burning but since mushrooms are absorbent little suckers
flavor would be good, too. Now, olive oil would be good for the job
so would bacon drippings. But as far as I'm concerned sautéing goes
best with butter. |
Chose the right fat |
Now, I know. You're saying butter has a low
smoke point. Well, you're right. It does unless it's been clarified. Don't have time to
bother? I'll make a deal with you. If
I can explain it in one breath you'll do it, okay? Fine. I must
prepare. [inhales deeply]
| Melt a pound of butter in a heavy saucepan over low heat and
slowly cook until the bubbling ceases and the liquid turns clear, 30-40 minutes
depending on the water.
 |
Melt a pound of butter in a heavy saucepan over low heat
and slowly cook until the bubbling ceases and the liquid turns clear,
30-40 minutes. |
| Strain and cool, being sure to leave any solids
in the bottom of the pan. |
Strain and cool, being sure to leave any solids in the
bottom of the pan. |
| Or, once the butter is clear, remove the pan
from the heat and quickly add two inches of hot tap water. Since it is
less dense than water, the now clarified butter will float to the top.
 |
Or, once the butter has cleared, remove from heat and add
two inches of hot tap water. Since it's less dense than water, the
now clarified butter will float to the top. |
| And
in a few hours in the refrigerator will solidify it into a big yellow Frisbee
that you can lift out and use. Use it immediately or wrap in wax paper and
refrigerate or add foil and freeze it for 2 months. |
A few hours in the fridge will solidify the
butter. Use or wrap in wax paper and foil and
refrigerate. Can
be frozen for up to two months. |
 See, that was a breeze ...
[collapses]. Um, just put an ounce of that butter in the
pan. I'm going to catch my
breath a little bit, okay? You'll know it's ready when it ripples on the
surface.
Because its milk solids have been removed,
clarified or "drawn" butter
(called Ghee in India) has a higher smoke point than
regular butter.
SCENE 4
Out of the Floor and into the Pan
The Kitchen
GUESTS: Scientists #1 & #2
Over crowded pans are the number one cause of
failed sautés. You see, if the food is all piled up in there then it
can't touch the pan. And if it doesn't touch the pan it can't undergo browning,
that miraculous set of reactions that create flavor and texture and that, well,
neither science nor physics has been able to explain.
 AB:
[to scientists] Have you? Come on
guys. Blind me with science.
SCIENTISTS #1 & #2: [run away]
Lab
punks. Now, you see here moisture is already seeping out of these mushrooms but the pan is so hot that
it's evaporating the second that it hits the fat. And you hear that sound? Ah. That is the music of the
sauté. That means that
the moisture is being pulled out and it's getting out of the pan in vapor form. And that means that a crust is going to be forming on this food in
no time flat. As long as you hear that sound, you are sautéing.
|
Now, you want
to keep things moving around. Just kind of turning things over. But what you want to avoid is that flashy kind of restaurant
business of tossing the food around in the air because you know what? Unless you're inside an oven doesn't cook in the
air. And we're not in an oven. Okay? |
Keep it moving
|
 Just turn things
over. And you see this
is already starting to get a crust on it. That is what sauté is all about. It doesn't matter if this is a pork chop or
shrimp. That is
the exact thing that we are looking for.
| As soon as the
first batch starts to take on really nice color like this, push it out to
the perimeter of the pan just get it out to the coolest area. It's
kind of like moving out to the suburbs and leave middle ... room right in
the middle of the pan for the next addition. Just another handful. Now, I usually get about 4 handfuls to a pan but I make
each addition just a little bit smaller than the one before, again,
because of over crowding. |
4 handfuls to a 10 inch pan |
| Did you know
that Russians are so mushroom crazy that they actually have a word for
mushroom crazy, raszh. They actually say that Lenin had a real
serious raszh which I think is kind of funny ... but that's just me. |
Raszh: mushroom crazy |
| Anyway, fight
the desire to turn the heat down. You may think that things are
about to burn but believe me they're not. Because as long as you hear that
sizzling, and I still hear sizzling, then there's still water in there. Soon as the sizzling stops that's when burning can
happen. Of course we don't want to strangle every little bit of
juice out of the mushrooms or they'll be like shoe leather. So, just
watch for the color on the outside. |
Keep the heat high |
Okay, time for another addition so I'm going to move
everything back to the outsides of the pan and its starting to look just a
little bit dry in there so I'm going to add just a few drops of butter
right to the middle of the pan like that and go with another handful. This one is a little bit smaller than the one
before. There.
| Now, as soon as
you've got the final addition in the pan it's okay to go ahead and season.
Up to this point you wouldn't want to throw salt in there
because one small group of the mushrooms would take it all and leave none
for the rest. So, I'm going to add a pinch of kosher salt right now. And be sure to scatter it very
evenly. Don't dump it in
one place. |
Pinch of Kosher Salt |
| I'm also going
to open up a little hole right there for about a tablespoon of shallot. Just minced, chopped up right there in the
middle. Toss it in with the rest of the
mushrooms. And everything is getting
to a good even cooking point. In the middle over the high heat
they're still a little on the underdone side but out across the sides
here in the suburbs things are looking really good. |
1 Tbls minced Shallot |
Now, once the
heat has wrung out most of the moisture the pan is going to darken with
kind of stuck mushroom guts. It's time to deglaze with a jigger of cognac.
Just pour it right into the middle of the
pan. There. Now, just kind of scrape around.
Now, we've done some deglazing before but it's always
been in roasting pans after the food has been removed. In this case,
you want to deglaze with the mushrooms in the pan so that once the liquid
has dissolved all those nice brown bits, the fond on the bottom of the
pan, then the sauce can just jump right back onto the mushrooms coating
them. |
mushroom guts
1 Jigger (1 1/2 oz) Cognac
 |
| I'm going to
finish this with a little herb. Little chive and some grinds of pepper. Time to get out of the pan. |
2 tsp chopped chives
3-4 grinds of pepper |
 Good looking stuff and darn versatile,
too. Now besides playing side man to every major entree from steak to
scrambled, sautéed mushrooms can fuel a plethora of other dishes from mushroom
soup to meatloaf. Now, just about any mushroom is sauté-able as long as
it doesn't have a thick woody stem. As a matter of fact, one of my
favorites is the Asian newcomer the Shiitake.
SCENE 5
Sher Rockee Mushroom Farms: Avondale, PA - 4:37 pm
 It's Japanese for 'wood
grown'. You see, shiitakes don't do
dirt. They do logs. In fact, if
you were to pick up an oak log that a shiitake colony had finished with
you'd notice that it feels like balsa; there's just nothing left.
Now, we've worked up a pretty good appetite for
shiitakes over the last few years. The problem is that once a log
has been inoculated it takes years to fruit which just isn't fast enough
for our demand. So the answer, faux logs. Wood chip composites
with 'shroom spore and 'shroom chow already in the mix. Cuts years
to weeks.
To extract the flavor from tough Shiitake
stems,
steep them in hot stock or broth, then discard.
SCENE 6
Stick That in Your Cap and Roast It
The Kitchen
Having made the ultimate sacrifice our adobe
friend over there is on its way to the compost heap but we've got a nice pan
full of shiitakes.
| The very same
dish, in fact, that we did with the criminis except now we used the stem
shiitakes so its a slightly different dish. |
Substitute Shiitakes for Criminis in sauté
|
| Now, as
delicious as this sauté is, you know, I'm really just not in the mood for
it anymore. So, I think I'm going to turn it into a paste by adding about a
third of a cup of heavy cream right to the hot pan. Now since it's
got a lot more fat in it than, say, whipping cream or half-and-half it's
going to thicken much faster because there is less moisture to evaporate
off. |
1/3 Cup Heavy Cream |
| Also, I think
I'm going to toss in a quarter of a cup of shredded parmesan. Part of that's for flavor but it will also thicken, too, because it melts
and those proteins uncoil and reach out for other things. Now, just
about 30 seconds over high heat and this will tighten up considerably. |
1/4 Cup Shredded Parmesan
 |
| While we're at
it, I think I'm going to add a little more flavor to boot. I'm going
to go with about a teaspoon of dried tarragon. Now, tarragon is kind
of the mushroom herb of choice both in France and in Russia. Oh, in
Russia did I mention that Lenin had a really bad raszh? I mentioned
that, didn't I? |
1 tsp dry tarragon |
Okay. Stir a couple of
times. It's already thickened up and we're going to
get it off the heat because if it over cooks the cheese will definitely
break.
Now, the next step to making a paste would to be to bind this
up and my favorite binder is bread crumbs. Going to sprinkle on just
enough to cover the surface of the mushrooms and then stir that in. The reason that bread crumbs bind so well is, well one they've got a very
kind of abrasive shape. They've got like these peatons{?} that go
off in every direction and that kind of sticks into the food and holds it
together. And they're extremely absorbent so they will soak up any
moisture that tries to seep in or out of the filling. |
 1-2 Tbls bread crumbs |
 It's now a delicious and stable
filler. But, we really don't have anything to fill do
we? I
don't know. If we could find something around here. Maybe a,
I don't know what. What are we going to fill? We're
going to fill ... [camera pans to mushrooms on counter] Oh, that's
crazy talk. You want to put mushrooms inside mushrooms?
 That's, that's
crazy. You can't ... well, they do have a pretty
good shape. They've got a nice little pocket there that we could
put the filling ... but you know what? This isn't going to work. These are raw, that's
cooked. By the time these did
cook the moisture would come out and that stuff would float away. It would be completely ... [camera pans to oven] Roast them,
huh? Roast them before we fill ... That could work.
| But you know
what, if we're going to put heat into these we might as well add a little
bit of flavor while we're at it. So, you know what, I think I'll get
a big, big, big bowl something like this and we'll just put about 10 of these
in here, right? Just kind of a big, big cluster and we'll drizzle
those with some oil. Okay. Little oil, maybe a tablespoon of
olive oil. |
10-12 large white caps
Olive oil to coat
 |
| Kind of toss
that around and uh, hey! Would you look at that. We've got
some herbs, too. Say a teaspoon of rosemary and thyme. Thyme
is on our side, right? A teaspoon of thyme and a couple cloves of
garlic, crushed. |
1 tsp each rosemary & thyme
2 cloves garlic (crushed) |
| Now, why don't
you kick the oven on. 350 I think will be fine. Now, once we
got these all kind of herbed up and lubed down, we're going to need to put
something, put them on something ... Hey, I know. A baking sheet
with a cooling rack. That will allow the moisture to fall away from
the mushroom so they won't water log. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Just put
them upside down so the extra moisture runs off. Just line them up
on the pan like that. Then scoop up the rest of the herbs and just
sprinkle right across the top. Yeah. That'll work. |
heat oven to 350°
 |
| Now, as far as
length of time we don't want these things to cook too long because they're
going to cook again one they're stuffed. So, why don't we go with
about. Well, let's see. We want them to be kind of al dente, right? I mean basically you'll know they're done when you take the
tip of a paring knife and you kind of just push into the mushroom and
they'll slide out nice and easy. That's how you know they're done. So, I'm figuring 10 minutes, tops. |
10 minutes ... tops! |
Oh, I said ten minutes,
tops. They were
done in eight. You see, sometimes time is not on your side and you've got
to actually look at the food.
| So, anyway,
here we are. Pretty cut and dried from here, really. just kind
of mound a tablespoons worth kind of right on top of the the little cavity.
You don't want to push down or the filling will just kind of
pack and it will take on a really bad texture and it will also cook very
slowly.
So, there. |
 1 Tbls of filling per
cap ... don't pack |
| Uh, one last
touch, more bread crumbs. This is going to help form a crust on top
of the filling and it will also take some color from the broiler. |
Top with more bread crumbs |
| Oh, while you
were watching the clock I took the liberty of moving the rack up one level
and turning on the broiler. |
Heat Broiler to High
 |
| So, this is
done.
Back into the oven it
goes.
But this time I really
suggest that you don't look at the clock. You've got to watch these
things because as soon as the filling bubbles a little bit and the top
browns they are done. So, don't go away. [camera pans away from oven
to AB] No. Really. You need to watch the mushrooms. |
Browning will take 3-4
minutes ... tops!
 |
"Portobello" is just
marketing-speak for "overgrown Crimini".
SCENE 7
Kroger: Alpharetta, GA - 3:09 pm
 Now, despite the fact that
computerized, refrigerated trucks and pony express style driver shopping
are getting 'shrooms to the store quicker than ever, it still pays to be
vigilant right here.
| For instance,
don't assume that bulk or whole loose mushrooms are any fresher than
mushrooms that are packaged. You see it all comes down to what sells
the quickest and gets restocked most often in your store. |
Bulk aren't always better
|
| But I will say
this: if you see condensation inside the package, beware. The same
goes for un-refrigerated mushrooms or mushrooms that are, heaven forbid,
under the mister. |
Beware:
condensation
un-refrigerated bins
misters |
As for pre-sliced mushrooms or
pre-sliced anything short of loaf bread, just let me remind you: quality and convenience are rarely seen holding hands.
SCENE 8
Outside
GUEST: Death, aka Joe Black
 Foraging for mushrooms is a lot of
fun.
And heck, anytime you can go out in the woods and find free
food has got to be a good thing, right? The trouble is, if you
don't know what you're doing, and I mean really know what you're doing,
you're basically playing botanical Russian roulette. Because sooner or
later you're going to get hold of a bad cap and if that cap happens to
be, say, the extremely common yet deceptively docile looking Death Cap,
then you're going to end up consuming a wide range of toxins some of
which have the habit of things like, say, dissolving your liver into a
little puddle of goo ... which I hear doesn't feel very good.
 To avoid that here are your options: you either
take the time and get the training to become an experience mycologist,
you forage with an experienced mycologist or you go ahead and set a
place at the table for Joe Black.
DEATH: [pops out from
behind a tree]
But I assure you, death doesn't
look anymore like Brad Pitt than I do. Now, since I am decidedly
not an experienced mycologist I stick with store bought mushrooms.
 AB:
[tosses the basket of hand picked mushrooms
over his head which hits Death]
DEATH: [staggers back behind the tree]
Now besides riboflavin and potassium, mushrooms
contain high concentrations of glutamic acid, a kind of chemical cousin
to monosodium glutamate. And that means, besides tasting great all on
their own, mushrooms actually have the ability to turn up the flavors of
the foods that are cooked with them. Pretty cool, huh?
 Now,
we hope that we've turned up your interest in
mushroom cookery. If you're a fungal freshman, just kind of
consider this as a primer. Believe me there are far more flavorful
caps on down the line: chanterelles, woodiers, puffballs you name it. But, consider
this:
if you're capable of converting a
common crimini into truly good eats, just think of what you'll be able to
do the next time you see a porchini pop up in your yard ...
 DEATH: [pops up behind
AB]
... supermarket. Pop up in your supermarket. That's what I meant
to say.
 DEATH: [shuffles off]
Now, I'm Alton Brown. This is Good Eats. And, I think he's taking a holiday.
|
