SCENE 1
Mouse Hole & Kitchen

    But, it was enticing, too. And when nobody was looking I snuck into the room and I scooped up some of the dregs with a cold Oscar Mayer and I took a bite and it was, wow, it was like just stepping trough the looking glass. From that day on, I was a dedicated cheese melter.
    That was 1965 and back then we only had two cheeses—the white kind and yellow kind—but, boy, I melted a ton of both of them. And when there wasn't any cheese around to melt I'd sometimes take the heads of my sister's .... Well, let's just say that anytime that a new cheese hit the grocery store, I was down there with my allowance in a flash. I remember bringing a piece of brie home when I was 8 and my mom made me take it back because it had mold on it. Heh, heh.
   Oh, when college came, whew, was there cheese. Oh, ho, ho, ho, boy, was there a lot of cheese then, let me tell you. But, you know, after you've had a few raclettes and done some Welsh Rarebits, you know, the exoticism kind of wears off and you just want to go home to your first love. For me, with the exception of one particular guilty pleasure, which maybe we'll get to later, that meant fondue.

AB: [to the unseen mouse in the hole, he places a mousetrap with cheese on it] Here you go, buddy, here's a nice piece of aged Cheshire for ya.

    Fondue, of course, is all about melting. But how do you know what will melt well and what won't? Well, you can do what I did, you can melt them all. Heh, heh, heh, heh. I can tell you, after that you'd be surprised how many of those childhood cheeses still hold up the best.
    Now, what did I do with all those leftovers? Well, let's just say that Ole Squeaky down there's days are numbered. But, heh. No sacrifice too big for good eats, right?
    I think I see a Port Salut over there. [he crosses his kitchen floor full of mouse traps, fades to black, a mouse traps snapping] Yeow!  Do'h!

SCENE 2
Spring Grove Dairy: Brodhead, WI - 9:00 am

GUEST: Cow

COW: Moooo.

    Cheese making has been called, "the art of spoiling milk." That's a pretty good description.

AB: [applying milking apparatus to a cow] Easy, girl.

    See, it all starts with the processing of milk's primary and secondary proteins, that would be casein and lactoglobulin, into what's basically curds and whey. Now, by the way, you're not likely to find people milking cows while sitting on tuffets any more. But that's not to say you won't occasionally run into the occasional spider.

Containing over 250 chemical compounds,
milk is the most complex food on earth.

SCENE 3
Roth Kase USA, Ltd.: Monroe, WI - 10:15 am

GUEST: Bruce Workman, Master Cheesemaker

    I arrived at Roth Kase just in time to help a vat of cow juice over into the afterlife. But before putting me to work, Master Cheesemaker, Bruce Workman, gave me the lowdown on the three major stages of cheese production.

At 6.8 billion pounds per year, the US leads the world in cheese production.
At 43.6 pounds per person per year, France leads the world in cheese consumption.

SCENE 4
Whole Foods Market: Atlanta, GA - 2:40 pm

Never commit yourself to cheese without having examined it first. -T. S. Elliot

GUEST: Linsey Herman, Cheese Monger

    I don't know about you but I think this comes as close as you can get to a culinary mine field. I mean, one wrong step and you've dropped 10 bucks on 2 ounces of coagulated gym socks, which I hear some folks really like. Like fish, wine and certain auto parts, the key to cheese enjoyment is to find the right cheese monger to supply you. What do you look for? Passion without pretension, knowledge without attitude, and a quick hand with the samples. Now when casing a cheese monger, ask them a question you already know the answer to just to see if you like the way they handle it. Observe.

AB: Um, excuse me.
LINSEY HERMAN: Yes.
AB: Could you tell me why that Swiss cheese has holes in it?
LH: Um, the holes come from the carbon dioxide that are produced during the cheese making process, from the bacteria.
AB: Pretty good, uh, can I have a sample?
LH: Absolutely.
AB: Ha, ha, ha, ha.

    Well, she's two for two. Let's turn up the heat, shall we?

AB: You can do it. Come on, girl. That's it. We're almost free. We're almost there. Ahhh.

    A beautiful cheese. Should be about enough.

SCENE 5
The Kitchen

    Ah. It is finished. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, hi. Welcome to this old cutting board. You know, anybody who's cut cheese knows that anything tougher than driving a knife through a block of mozzarella is driving a bicycle through a swimming pool. So, I decided to convert this old miserably undersized cutting board into a wire cutter much like that used by my professional cheese monger friend. So, what I did is I cut a little vent right there, kind of a little slot in the end of the board and then I cut a big slot all the way down the face of the board and ended it with this little V right here.
    Then, I stole a guitar string off my nephew's guitar. Let's face it, if he hasn't gotten Stairway To Heaven by now, he's never going to. Of course, if you've got a zither laying around the house or an autoharp or small harpsichord that will do fine, too. I just ran the nut of the string through this little nail and then bent the end of the nail so that when inserted into slot "A" ... ha, ha, ha, ha ... it is captured. The wire goes into the slot and what was once a woefully unusable piece of equipment is now a cheese cutting Juggernaut. [demonstrates] Aah. You can't beat that. Now, of course eventually this little slot is going to get dirty. That's no problem. Whenever you wash it just use a pipe cleaner to get down in the slot.
    Of course, now that we have the technology to cut the cheese, you've got to know where to store the cheese. 
    Real cheese has a lot of life left in it. Bacteria are munching, enzymes are catalyzing, mold is growing. It's a busy place. Like a head of lettuce, it's breathing, basically. But unlike lettuce which stores best in here [the fridge] when robbed of air, if cheese doesn't breathe it gets funky, smelly, slimy. It's not pretty. Now, when the Edam was whole it was protected by its wax. It didn't need a whole lot of attention. But after it was breached, well, a lot of things can go wrong. So, a few layers of wax paper will help to prevent drying and suffocation. Rubber band keeps things together.
    Now, since this picks up odors like molecular Velcro, this should have a room of its own. Cheese, like Greta Garbo, likes to be alone. Now, if I could just find a drawer for this [huge piece of cheese purchased in the previous scene]. [attempts to put it in the bottom drawer] I think I'm going to need a bigger box.

SCENE 6
Fondue Inferno
Bed, Bath & Beyond: Atlanta, GA - 4:20 pm

GUEST: "W", Equipment Specialist

AB: [enters BB&B wearing a polyester 70's type outfit] Hello, W.
 W: Hello, Hutch. Starsky parking the Torino?
AB: Hey, come on. If you're going to revive a 70's food faddish you should dress the part, right?
 W: I bet you're looking for a fondue pot.
AB: How'd you guess?
 W: Well, you've got cheesy dip written all over you.
AB: Ehh.
 W: Come on. I want to finish polishing my mood rings.
AB: Oh, I didn't think you'd have more than one.
 W: Rings?
AB: Mood.
 W: The traditional Swiss fondue pot is made of earthenware which is slow to heat and gentle to cheeses.
AB: Yeah, but you know those alcohol burners are tough to set up ... by the hot tub. Got any options?
 W: Of course. The electric models can handle cheese as well as oil fondues all you have to do is set the thermostat.
AB: Non-stick interior. Very considerate. Is that it?
 W: Well, we have the ornamentals.
AB: Oh, you know the flimsy metal is a crummy insulator and an over eager conductor. Either way it's bad for cheese. No, I'll stick with the electric. I think it looks kind of cool. Got any tips for me?
 W: Change clothes.
AB: Hmm. I need a grater.
 W: For cheese?
AB: No, remind me of you.
 W: Hmm. Routing graters are best for hard cheese like parmesan. But, if you are only going to get one grater make it a box. Broad based models with center handles are the most stable and you want at least 4 tooth sizes. Buy big. Small graters are worthless.
AB: Great. I'll get grating.
 W: Do you ever stop?

    One final fondue philosophy: Don't spend the green if you don't dig the scene.

 W: [leaves]
AB: No, really. What?

    Make your inaugural batch in a heavy sauce pan or even your croc pot. It will take a little bit longer but it will taste just as good. Then, you know, if you dig it, you can spend for the pot. I've got three.

In the late 60's and early 70's, a newly wed couple could
expect to receive 2.7 fondue pots as wedding gifts.

SCENE 7
All's Fair in Food And War
Lassiter High School: Marietta, GA - 8 am

GUESTS: "Protestant" Football Player
              "Catholic" Football Player

    With one possible exception, which we'll get to shortly, fondue is the finest destiny to which cheese can aspire. It also happens to be the original half-time food. The time? 1531. The place? A Switzerland torn by reformation. Catholics from the rural Cantons and Protestants from the cities have skirmished with and laid siege to each other for months leaving both sides near starvation.
    Of course, being Swiss, and therefore efficient, they realized that if they starved to death, they can't keep killing each other. So, a truce is drawn up so that the two warring parties might pool all of the edible resources that remain. A fire is built on the middle of he field of battle and a pot is placed upon it.

"Fondue" is from "Fondre," the French word for melt.

    I don't know if anybody bothered rubbing the cauldron down with garlic but I do know that it's traditional and it really does make fondue taste better.
    Now, the Protestants brought bread and wine. The Catholics being good farm boys brought homemade cheese.

AB: Whathca got for me?
PROTESTANT: Apple juice. Bag of rolls, coach.
AB: Bag of rolls and apple juice. Did you bring a bottle opener?
  P: Swiss Army Knife, coach.

    Now, cheese melts for two reasons, basically. One, the fats loosen up and get soft.  But, the protein casein is actually primarily responsible. See what happens, in its raw state these proteins are balled up into these tight little coils. When they get hot they denature, unwind—kind of let their molecular hair down—and they kind of tangle up with each other. Now at this point, they're extremely attracted to one another, and if there is too much heat in the pot, they'll huddle up even tighter than they were in the original cheese. In other words, they'll clump and that's not a nice thing.

    Of course, the best thing about fondue is finding good stuff to dip in it.

AB: Suggestions, guys?
  P: Chunks of bread.
AB: Sure. All kinds, shapes and sizes.
  C: Doughnut holes.
AB: Rethink that.
  P: Blanched and chilled vegetables such as broccoli and cauliflower?
AB: Very good.

    Fondue is actually an excellent way to trick children into eating their vegetables.

  C: Cheese cubes.
AB: Have I mentioned that these little forks ...
  P: Why would you put cheese in the cheese?
  C: I like cheese.
AB: Hey, we all like cheese, okay?

    Now, see these little tines, they're really great for holding on to the food so you don't loose it in the drink. Now, my personal favorite is cooked sausage: kielbasa, bratwurst ...

  P: Vienna?
AB: Vienna. Not exactly what I had in mind, but okay.
  C: Uh, oh. I lost my apple.
AB: Ahh. See, you've had a blow out. Now traditionally, you'd have to buy all of us a round of drinks. But in your case, 50 push-ups and back to killing each other.

If a crust forms on the bottom of the pot don't throw it out, eat it.
The French call it "la croute" and consider it a delicacy.

SCENE 8
The Kitchen

"Many's the long night I've dreamed of cheese
- toasted mostly." -Robert Louis Stevenson

    [to us] Let's not ruin this moment with words.

Proof Reading help from Jon Loonin