SCENE 1
The Kitchen

GUESTS: Mannequin Father
             Mannequin Mother
             Mannequin Sister
             Mannequin Son

    Hi, I'm Alton Brown. And after years of tireless research, I've come to the conclusion that the maelstrom of mediocrity in which our culture currently finds itself spastically spinning, was set into motion by an event that took place right here at the very epicenter of our civilization, the dinner table. [camera pulls back to show AB at the dinner table with a "nuclear" family of Mannequins] And furthermore, I propose that the straw that broke the camel's back was, in fact, a particular edible. And I imagine the scene was something like this.

Mannequin SON: [AB speaks for each of the Mannequins] Hey, Sis, give me a roll!
Mannequin FATHER: Hey, careful there, Sport. Don't forget your manners.
M Son: Okay, Dad. Please pass a roll.
Mannequin SISTER: Gee, Ricky, I don't even see any rolls.
MF: Hey, say, honey, where are the rolls?
Mannequin MOTHER: I didn't bake any today.
M Son: Aw, mom.
MF: Gee, Hon, what gives?
MM: Well, since you got your hours cut, I had to get a job. So I barely had enough time to get dinner on the table. So if you guys want rolls, you can jolly well learn to make them yourself.
MF: Oh. [pause] Who's for going out?
KIDS: Yeah!

    Once the soft, aromatic, warm, yeasty, ever so slightly sweet, edible hug that is the dinner roll disappeared from the American table, our civilization began to quietly crumble. Is it too late to get our hug back? Maybe not. But, we're all going to have to bake tall, and answer the roll call of ...

[Good Eats theme]

SCENE 2
The Kitchen

GUEST: Yeast Sock Puppets

    Each and every culture that bakes, bakes small breads. And some of the cultures in question bake hundreds of different types of small breads. In America, such breads became known as rolls, because you typically rolled the dough to shape it. Now a hundred years ago, rolls were considered fast food because they were so much quicker to make than larger loaves, which typically require a long rise and baking time. It's a fact which can easily be grasped by these comparative illustrations [references the chalkboard with a small oval and large oval on it.]
    Now just to be clear, rolls are differentiated from muffins and biscuits by virtue of yeast ...

YSP: [pops up and begins burping]

... which are responsible for lifting all rolls and buns—which are nothing more than sweetened rolls. Unless you're talking about hamburger buns, but that's another show.

    [at the counter] Behold, the fantastic four of bread-dom: flour, water, yeast, salt. Without them, bread just ain't bread. Now the starch and protein of the flour provide for bread's structure. And it should be noted that unless you're making really crusty, rustic loaves, bread flour with it's added protein content just isn't necessary. All-purpose or A-P flour will do us just fine.
    And then there's the water which hydrates the flour components and provides the moisture the yeast need in order to break down and consume the flour, thus producing CO₂.

YSP: [3 rise up and start burping again]
AB: Um, look, yeast ... look, we, we need to talk. I know you've been portraying yeast for, for a long time on this show. But frankly, we've had some complaints. You see, you guys don't even look remotely like real yeast. I mean, you've got eyes and mouths and whatever those things are on your heads. Well, we've been asked to come up with something more lifelike. And so, we're going to be going with these.
YSP: [begins to whine]
AB: Yeah, I know. It's hard for me, too. But, I have to let you guys go.

YSP: [one burps loudly]
AB: No. No severance. But I will provide excellent references for all of you. I will.
YSP: [exit slowly and sadly while mournful music plays them off]
AB: [opens the back door as the YSP march out] Good luck. Bye.

    Now as I was saying, the yeast will in the presence of water, warmth and food, come to life producing a lot more yeast while giving off CO₂ in the process. [gestures to new Yeast, it falls over] ... CO₂ in the process. [gestures again and falls over again] Speaking of yeast, many recipes these days call for rapid-rise or instant yeast. And in past episodes I, myself, have extolled their virtues because they are super- charged microbes, they ferment quicker than standard active dry yeast—because the granules actually contain more living yeast—and they are packed with stimulants such as vitamin C. And yet, I have found that with proper treatment, active dry yeasts are just as good. And when both sugar and fat are added to the mixture, I actually think they do even better job. More on that in a minute.
    Now, uh, ... Oh, let's talk about salt. A lot of writers these days are fond of saying that it's optional. But in bread making, that is simply not the case. Without at least a little salt, bread tastes dead, ... [continues to try and get the new yeast to stand up which keeps falling over] ... unpalatable, no matter how much butter you smear onto it. Salt also strengthens gluten which we'll get to shortly. And it also helps to prevent staling. Of course, I do prefer to use kosher salt in baking, but you could use sea salt, course salt, or even regular table salt if you are so inclined.
    So, this humble quartet can certainly yield some satisfying lean rolls. But if we're going to produce the edible hug that is the American soft dinner roll, we have to bring some modifiers online. Milk, butter, sugar and eggs can enhance both flavor and texture. Sugars—including sucrose and lactose from the milk—caramelize to create complex flavors. Sugar is also hygroscopic so it clings to water tenaciously preventing the final bread from drying out. Fat in the form of butter and egg yolks also lubricates gluten structures and adds considerable flavor. Egg yolks also contain emulsifiers which can which help to integrate fat into the dough itself. Best of all, we don't really need a lot of any of these to effect big changes.

Before commercial yeast hit the market home
bakers had to use suds from local brewers.

SCENE 3
The Kitchen

    Now the hydration part of the program is going to last 10 to 15 minutes, and it's important for several reasons. [returns the dough to the mixer bowl, inserts the dough hook and covers all with a tea towel] One, it will give the flour time to soak up some moisture, making the dough easier to knead later on. Two, it will allow time for the proteins glutenin and gliadin to come together to form the all important gluten structures. And as for the yeast, this will get the little critter plenty of time to wake up and spring into action. [is now at the new Yeast and is eagerly waiting for something to happen] Realistic? Maybe. Boring? Definitely. [exits]
    [10 minutes later, returns] Well, it's been 10 minutes and, hey, we've made progress. [returns to the new yeast and now there are two of them] Good thing, too, because I was starting to think my spore was on death's door. [laughs at his bad rhyme]

     Alright, if our stretching and alignment has been successful, then we should be able to get a good "window pane" out of this. Just take the dough, kind of stretch it between your fingers the way you ... well, kind of the way that you would work bubble gum with your tongue right before blowing a big bubble. Kind of like that. Stretching, pulling and turning. There. That's what good development looks like right there. Perfect. This is done.

SCENE 4
Half Baked Bakery
208 Main Street

    [outside] One of the really groovy things about roll dough, is that it can be crafted into a wide array of shapes and sizes. These include, but are not limited to, pan loaves, spirals, twists, knots, cloverleaves, and butter flakes, which, of course, are cooked in muffin tins. And then, there is the naughty Parker House roll.
    [inside] Named for Boston's Parker House Hotel where it was invented in the late 19th century, this is the quintessential, American dinner roll, easily recognized by it's folded top which conceals a little pat of butter, hence the "naughty". Now I especially enjoy Parker House rolls around Halloween, because it can be used to complete your Angelina Jolie getup [puts it in his mouth implying big lips], or your incredible Mr. Limpet look. [turns it over to indicate fish lips] Remember Mr. Limpet? You ... Man, I feel old.

Parker House Rolls are sometimes called pocketbook
rolls due to their purse-like appearance.

SCENE 5
The Kitchen

    Alright, let's see what we got here. [opens oven door and a bunch of the yeasts fall out] Hey, I guess they weren't dead after all. Huh. Oh, well. I'll just leave them here, I guess, and then ... [tries to close oven door but yeasts get in the way] Well ... get in the ... oh bother. There. [yeasts are now appearing everywhere like Star Trek's tribbles]

    Okay, now the Parker House part. Take each of these little balls and we're going to roll into a three-inch circle, or an oval, would be fine, as well. Now you could use a full sized rolling pin for the chore, but I find that a small 7/8ths inch dowel does the trick even better. Just roll it out. And yes, I do suggest you measure each one.

    [at the counter, several yeasts are everywhere] Ah, these things are starting to creep me out.

    [later] These look fantastic. But ultimately, doneness can only be determined by your thermometer: 200 degrees. We are good to go.

    [at the dinner table in Scene 1] Serve in a basket swaddled in a clean linen serviette or tea towel to prevent condensation while preserving warmth. You know, I think old Harvey Parker would be darned proud.

AB: [to Mannequins] Roll? No? Roll? Roll? Nobody? Nobody? Fine.

    You know, when I was a kid, I had an aunt who made butter flake rolls which, I think, are even easier to "configure". So, let's consider the very same dough after the first doubling.

AB: [again at the table, little yeasts are everywhere] Roll? Roll? Anyone? Roll? No? Fine.

    All this wonderment made possible by a simple phrase, "I have imagined seeing a demented rabid platypus carelessly drinking blue cocktails." And that's a fact.

Raw rolls stuck together in a pan and baked are called monkey bread.

SCENE 6
The Kitchen

GUESTS: Firemen
              Sid Maxberg

    The place, Avon, Florida. The time, 1949. A baker by the name of Joseph Gregor had just parked a pan of Parker House rolls into the oven when the town fire alarm sounded ...

FIREMEN: [alarm goes off and firemen walk across screen]

    Being a member of the volunteer fire brigade, Gregor had no choice but to pull and abandon his still pasty rolls. Upon their sooty return some hours later, Gregor decided to go ahead and bake the rolls once again. The results? Delicious enough that his Pop-In-Oven rolls were eventually purchased by General Mills for a big bucket of money. Well, our Brown-N-Serve Parker House Rolls are just as good.
    Here, we have a pan of our Parker House rolls. They've been buttered, they're doubled and ready to bake. Now the butter is especially important here, okay? Because when the rolls that'll go into storage [?] later on, it'll provide a seal against both oxidation and moisture loss. So don't get skimpy with the butter.

    [later] At this point, the internal temperature of the rolls would be about 185 degrees and the exterior will be rather pallid, due to the fact that the external temperature has not yet reached the browning stage. So at this point, remove and cool on the pan on a rack for 10 minutes. And then remove from the pan and cool directly on the rack until they're at room temperature. It'll be about 30 to 40 minutes, in which time I'll clean up the rest of these darn yeasts.
    When the rolls are cool, you can bag 'em, tag 'em, and freeze them for, well, up to at least three months.

    [back at the dinner table, yeasts are now everywhere and AB is dismayed] Well, I certainly hope that we've inspired you to bring back a little of the dinner table culture that made America great. If there ... [phone rings] Excuse me. I'm sorry. Excuse me. Pardon me.

AB: [on phone] Hello?
SID MAXBERG: AB, baby. DJ Sid here ... Sid ... Sid Maxberg, agent to the food stars. Uh, listen, amigo, word is out on the street that you're suffering from a serious yeast problem.
YSP: [pokes up behind Sid's back]
AB: That is outrageous. Who told you that?
SM: Well, you know how this town talks. [laughing] I may just have a solution for you, but it's going to cost you.
YSP: [one comes into view with money in its mouth]
SM: Oh, yes, it's going to cost you!
AB: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No way. I do not have a yeast problem. My new yeast are working fine. They are working out just great ... [a whole bunch fall onto AB's head]

    See you next time on Good Eats.

Transcribed by Michael Menninger
Proofread by Michael Roberts

Last Edited on 12/19/2011