SCENE 1
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| AB: Now, water is actually the most important ingredient in coffee. If it doesn't taste great, neither will the coffee. Now my tap water actually tastes like the pool down at the Y. So I use a filter, I just keep this in the fridge. They're cheap. [puts it back in the fridge] There we go. And you'll notice that I've got 24 ounces here and I added an extra splash for evaporation. | 24 Ounces Filtered Water |
AB: Now we need this at a rolling boil. And ordinarily, I would look to an electric
kettle to do this, but I know you don't have one. But I did note that you do
have a microwave at your place, and that will certainly do the job. But here's a
bit of a safety tip. Microwaves can actually heat water to a boil without
bubbles forming. And when you reach in and grab it, the motion could set off an
almost explosive boilover that could, well, really scald your hands.
So, Clarence ...
C: Got what you need right here. [hand SON some chopsticks]
AB: A wooden chop stick, or even just a wooden skewer placed thusly, will
provide what's called nucleation points so that the bubbles can form and you
won't have to go through all that pain and suffering.
So into the microwave and I'm just going to go with, say, five and a half
minutes on high. But the time, of course, will depend upon your exact make and
model. That will give us time to deal with the other software: that's what we
call ingredients around here. I speak, of course, of the coffee beans.
Now I keep my beans up here with the spices. Why would I do that? Because coffee
is a spice. Think about it, it's a dried seed full of volatile compounds that
we want to preserve until we're ready to get them out. So, I store coffee beans
like I would store spices. Air tight containment, all right, and I keep it away
from heat, and I keep it away from light. So, what is the number one thing that
you can do for your coffee? Well, believe it or not, it is wait and grind right
before you're ready to brew, okay? You are going to have to grind the beans
yourself.
Now, take a look at these and tell me, which of these devices
would be most suitable for the job? [hands the Son a
View Master] Go ahead, have a look.
SON: [flips through where he sees 2 old fashioned grinders
but then stops on a
workbench grinding wheel]
AB: Okay, let's see what you got, let's take a look. Ah, well as an American male, I
can certainly see the attraction. She's a beauty. But it's not the kind of
grinder we need.
You see, what we want to do is break the beans into uniform pieces so that we
can use water to extract maximum flavor. Now a blade grinder like this would be
inexpensive, and it would certainly get the job done. But these blades, well,
they will never create, really, a uniform grind. [shows a sample] See what I mean? That's why I
vastly prefer a burr grinder. It costs more, but it's worth it. It uses this
big-toothed, conical grinding wheel
that nests down into a stationary-toothed receiver. And the beans are fed in
from the hopper and ground to the same size. The grind can be adjusted with this
knob, that changes the distance between the grinder and the receiver.
Now typically, slower brewing methods, like say, percolating, take longer, so
you want to use a larger grind. As opposed to, say, espresso or Turkish coffee,
which uses an almost talcum-like, fine powder grind. Now our French press is,
well, a medium slow method. And so we will go with a grind that is right slap
dab in the middle.
| Now, here's something to memorize and there will be a test. Have a look. Two tablespoons of ground coffee, plus six ounces of boiling water, plus a pinch of salt to counteract the bitterness equals one cup of man coffee. |
2 T COFFEE |
Next up, eggs, bacon & hashbrowns [sic] (man food)!
| AB: So, we want four six-ounce cups, two tablespoons per cup, and that means that we want eight tablespoons, and that equals half a cup. | ½ Cup Ground Coffee |
| Now the last thing that I want you to do in the morning is have to measure coffee, so I've taken the liberty of placing a rubber band at just about the half cup mark there on the little carafe so that you can just grind right up to the line and that's all you have to do. So, do me a favor. Dump that straight in. Our water is done, that's good. I do like a pinch of salt, use kosher salt, right there, to knock off some of the bitter edge. | Pinch of Kosher Salt |
And here comes the water. Of course, it's important
to remove the chop sticks, and actually we're going to use those. I like to pour
in just enough water to wet the grounds. That'll make sure that there are no dry
air pockets kind of hiding in there. And also gives a good opportunity for the
grounds to swell up, because they're being agitated, and that'll extract more
flavor. So once you've got a nice little slurry going, go pour on the rest of
the water. There. We'll place the plunger on top just to keep things warm, but
no plunging, not at this point. And turn on your timer, four minutes is what
we're looking for. Anything less would under-extract the coffee, anything more
would over-extract. Either way, you'd have bad eats.
[4 minutes later at the table]
The brew is complete. It is now time to take the plunge. Straight down on the
column, please, ever so slowly, should take about 30 seconds to reach the
bottom. Keep in mind you are pushing the grounds out of the way, but you're
also forming an emulsion, okay, using that mesh to emulsify the oil phase of the
beans into the water. And that is going to give us a very nice body. Okay, good
job.
Now, if you find that this coffee is too weak for you, then just decrease the
grind size. But do not extend the brew period, or you will over-extract, and
that is not a good thing as it will lead to bitterness. There.
If you prefer your coffee on the weaker side, well I don't know, I'd say um ...
C: Get over it.
AB: Yes, exactly. Get over it. Now we have good color in the cup, the fragrance is
nice, and deep, the flavor ... [takes a sip] ... excellent, wouldn't you agree,
Clarence?
C: Absolutely. But you know, Mr. B, breakfast sure would be nice.
AB: Breakfast. I concur. That would be lovely. Let's cook.
AB & C: [both point to the Son]
SON: [tries to make a hasty escape]
AB: Where you going little man? Why don’t you try the other one?
SON: [first tries a locked door and then heads to another which he runs
into and passes out]
AB: Nope. Nope. Wait, wait, wait ... Here he is.
Hey, welcome back.
C: Sorry about that door. I told Mr. B over and over that we really need to fix
that hinge.
AB: And I just keep putting it off. Hey, do you like bacon? Of
course you do. You know, you can't cook up the bacon until you bring home
the bacon. Now we didn't think you were quite ready for an actual market, so
we're going to be using this simulator. [places his hand on a hand imprint
decoder, the door opens, he walks through] It's very user-friendly. Nothing to
worry about. Come on in.
BEEF TENDERLOIN $3.99 lb BONELESS CHUCK ROAST $3.29 lb RIBEYE STEAK $7.69 lb FILET MIGNON $9.99 lb FLAT IRON STEAK $3.99 lb GROUND CHUCK $2.59 lb TOP SIRLOIN $3.99 lb BEEF CUBED STEAK $3.49 lb BOTTOM ROUND ROAST $2.99 lb GROUND CHUCK PATTIES $2.69 lb BEEF SHORT RIBS $3.99 lb |
SKINLESS CHICKEN BREASTS $1.99 lb MARINATED CHICKEN BREASTS $2.99 lb CHICKEN THIGHS $1.99 lb CHICKEN DRUMSTICKS $1.09 lb WHOLE CHICKEN $1.29 lb CENTER CUT PORK CHOPS $3.29 lb MIXED PORK CHOPS $1.99 lb PORK TENDERLOIN $3.99 lb BABY BACK RIBS $3.89 lb SPARE RIBS $1.99 lb CENTER CUB BACON $3.49 lb |
|
Eat more BACON! |
|
Okay, quality American mega marts can feature up to ten different kinds of bacon in a wide array of styles, and with vast range of prices attached. How do you sort them all out? Well, you could sort them by whether they are mass-market national brands, or specialty, artisan brands. What's the difference there? Well, the artisanal producers take fresh pork bellies, like that, and they rub them down with salt and herbs. Here take that. [hands Son a latex glove] They let them sit, cure, for days, sometimes even weeks before, then smoke them long and low over smoldering hard wood. The results are miraculous. But the process takes time, and time is money, and money is, well, gosh-darned expensive.
Now, budget-minded national brands often just pump previously frozen bellies
full of all kinds of chemicals: sodium, what is it, eyrthorbate, sodium
nitrate, phosphates and the like. And then they spray them down with liquid
smoke. I know of a couple of factories can do the entire process in a couple of
hours, instead of weeks. The results are, well, you get what you pay for, if you
know what I mean.
Anyway, oh another way of sorting bacon is by flavor: hickory, mesquite,
apple wood, maple, brown sugar and Clarence’s favorite, black pepper.
C: I like my bacon to bite back, know what I'm saying?
AB: I think we do. What I mean by all this is that bacon isn't simple. But don't
worry. We've got some nice, easy tips for you to use.
Okay, now here's the first one, start at the full service
counter. If there is slab bacon, that is bacon that hasn't been cut into pieces,
or rashers, then this is where you want to start. And make sure you ask the
butcher to slice thick pieces. It's more manly.
You may also see cut bacon just stacked up in here, and you
might think it'll be dried up. But actually, it's vastly superior
to the stuff you'll find wrapped in plastic.
Take a look. See this? Even portions of fat and lean meat, both are streaks
rather than blobs, the fat is nice and firm and the aroma, smoke, but it's not
overwhelming. This is good stuff. Oh I know what you're thinking. You're
thinking, "Oh, but this looks brown, while this stuff over here looks pink."
That's because this was cured with some chemicals, nitrites, which can be kind
of nasty stuff. They say it even causes cancer. This is actually the better
bacon, even if it isn't as pretty.
Now I realize that not all markets offer such a porcine bounty. So, let's peruse
the average mega mart display, which generally will feature three different
levels.
Now I want you to steer clear of the bottom rack. It's usually full of budget
stuff, fatty, full of chemicals and water, blah! Don't reach for the top shelf,
either, because it's usually the expensive stuff, and, well your mom mentioned
that you've been, you know, kind of in between jobs. Look, just stick with what
is in the middle.
Now, look at these rashers. Yyou see how they're shaped and stacked so that it
looks very, very lean? Well the good stuff will be that way all the way through.
But you got to buy it to find out, all right? Two words to look for, "center
cut" meaning the slab came from the leaner, meatier center of the belly, and
"thick cut," which means the rashers are of course, thicker than standard.
Until you develop a few favorites, I would just stick with whatever brand is
right in the middle, price-wise. And remember, these days most bacon is designed
with refrigeration in mind, okay? So keep this stuff cold at all times, except
of course, when you're cooking it. Clarence.
C: Here you go, take a look at this. [places a View Master in front
of the Son]
"Uncured" bacon is produced without chemical preservatives.
It is "cured" however, with the natural nitrates found in celery juice.
AB: Cooking bacon can be as treacherous as buying bacon.
In fact, next to nuts,
bacon is the food most often burned by professionals in the restaurant
environment. That's because as the moisture cooks out of the slices, the heat
can suddenly go up very, very quickly, leading to, to burning. And of
course, the fat and lean contract at different rates and that leads to wrinkles,
which only makes things worse.
Now the oven is an attractive option, as roasted
bacon is flat and evenly crisp. But, it is a slow method and so we turn to one
of my favorite, every day multi-taskers. That's right. This is called a waffle
iron and here is kind of my little trick.
Now since they shrink as they cook, long pieces of bacon can get all stretched
out, and kind of gnarly. So I cut them in half with my trusty shears, and I
simply arrange in the iron thusly. Now if your iron features a temperature
control, just shoot for dead center there. Get your pieces arranged and set your
timer for two and a half minutes.
[2.5 minutes later]
Just open the lid and move around the pieces just enough so that any unseared
areas will come into direct contact with the metal. There, close the lid, and
we'll time another two and a half minutes.
So that'll give us just enough time to start prepping those hash browns. You do
like hash browns, don't you? Of course. Clarence, take him down to level three.
C: My pleasure.
C: Welcome to level three. He's already inside waiting for you.
AB: You know it doesn't matter where you go, the best hash browns in town will
always be found at the local diner, where short order cooks conjure magic from
massive hot slabs of steel called griddles. Now I do not imagine for a moment
that we are going to turn you into a short order cook. But there are some hash
brown tips to be gleaned from this environment.
All right, now first thing is the selection of the proper potato. We begin, as
all short order cooks do, with the russet potato. You probably saw this in your
mom's kitchen. It is the standard baking potato, and it's also known as, that's
right, Mr. Potato Head. Now this particular model weighs 8 ounces, that is
plenty for two people to have hash browns. But until you get off the sofa and
deal with that pasty complexion, I don't think you need to worry about
making breakfast for two, if you know what I mean.
C: Oh now maybe we can get him set up on a workout program or something.
AB: Well at this point, good point, Clarence, but I think we need to get him
feeding himself first. Now the next thing is, of course, we have to grate these.
And short order guys use a grater that looks a lot like this. Okay now I know it
just looks like a box grater, but see those holes? Those are very large holes
and that's important because we want the potatoes to actually be in individual
strips, okay, you see how they stay separate, and that requires a really big
strip. Problem is, most graters come from the store looking like this. Notice,
holes are much, much smaller. So what does the clever short order cook do? He
takes himself some needle-nose pliers, he just puts it inside the holes like
this and kind of pries them open. It'll take you about 10 minutes, just go to
each hole and knock that open. All right, and it's no big deal because that
costs about $15 bucks.
All right, so when the grating is done, of course, there's some cooking to be
done. And I don't expect you to go out and get a nice, big griddle like this,
because let's face it, your place is a little on the small side. So what we want
you to do is learn how to use this. This is a ten-inch cast iron skillet. It's
very, very cheap to procure. And with just a little bit of care, it will become
one of your best friends. And let's face it, you could use some friends right
about now.
C: Mr. B., You kill me.
AB: Aw thanks, Clarence, it's nothing, really.
All right, go ahead and give this a lift, a little on the heavy side. And take a
look at that nice, dark black surface. That's a good cure right there.
| Okay the pan is over medium-low heat. Now I want you to remove the bacon off [of the waffle iron] to some paper towel to drain, and then just pour, say, a tablespoon of that fat directly into the pan. There you go. Hurry up, now check this out. I have grated about half of a potato, but all that moisture is going to kill us. [has it wrapped in a thin towel] So I'm just going to wring it out, there, in a kitchen towel. Now this goes directly into the pan, along with a heavy pinch of kosher salt. And we'll let this cook, untouched, for five minutes. |
1 Tbs. Bacon Fat 4 Ounces Grated Russet |
The term "hash" comes from the French hacher, meaning to hack or chop.
GUEST: "W", Equipment Specialist
AB: All right, your hash browns are looking good, kind of sticking
together there. It's time to flip them and you're going to do it. Just take that
flexible spatula, dig down and just try to roll that whole thing over, there you
go. Yeah. That's good. Just kind of scatter it out a little bit. Yeah. That's
fine, that's fine. All right, lower the heat all the way down to low, and we're
going to set our timer to five minutes. We're not going to touch it. Now that
will give us time to deal with the eggs. Now you know where eggs come from,
right?
SON: [looks over at the papier-mâché chicken]
AB: Yes, that one's papier-mâché, but you got the right idea. We're going
to fry these and it's not as hard as you might think. In fact, if I was cooking
with the hash browns, I would just toss them in the pan. But, we're going to say
for the sake of argument that we're doing them separately. And in that case, you
might want a different pan, one that's made up ... Oh, hey W.
W: Pay attention. Eggs contain a lot of protein.
AB: You can actually think of them as liquid meat.
W: And what happens to proteins when they cook?
AB: They coagulate.
W: And that's why they stick to pan surfaces. Pans aren't really smooth, not on
the microscopic level anyway. So when it comes to eggs, you want a non-stick
surface. For one or two eggs, something in the eight-inch range will do. And
don't you ever, ever scrub that with an abrasive or I will hunt you down.
C: Oh she'll do it too. I've heard some pretty scary stories.
AB: Okay, just because these eggs are going to be fried, doesn’t mean they are
going to be fried hard.
Low heat is key in this operation. So the pan goes over, we'll say, two to
three on the heat index.
Okay, as for the eggs themselves, it is really important that they go into the
pan at exactly the same time. So we will crack them both into this little bowl.
It's called a custard cup, a very practical thing to have around. Always crack
on a flat surface, not on the edge of a bowl or anything. And hold the egg so
that it doesn't crack too much, and then into the cup, there.
| Now we are ready to go on that, the pan is getting warm, so one teaspoon of butter right in the middle. That's going to foam up a little bit as it melts because there's water in the butter. If the pan's too hot, it will brown; we don't want that. That looks okay. | 1 tsp. Unsalted Butter |
Okay, while I swirl that, you want to give those hash browns a little bit of a
poke there, okay, a little poke. There you go.
Okay, come back over, this is good. [the butter has all melted] The eggs go right in the middle.
A pinch of
kosher salt, there you go, and we'll do just a little grind of pepper, and
cover. This way, the eggs will actually steam on top and they'll stay nice and
soft. Three minutes for slightly runny yolks, five minutes for hard set.
You are now a breakfast animal.
SON: [un-skillets two cooked eggs onto a plate with hash browns and bacon in
front of AB and C]
AB: Yeah, wow. You know, next time I'll show you how to do four or even six eggs
at a time with the hash browns in the same pan.
Well you know, Clarence, I
think that our work here is just about done.
MJ: [enters with a full laundry basket] Hi honey, I brought all your laundry for the week.
AB & C: [look at each other and frown]
C: And then again, maybe not.
Transcribed by Jennifer Schleicher
Proofread by Michael Menninger
Last Edited on 08/27/2010