Good Eats Turns 10

Episode Note: This Good Eats episode was performed in front of a live audience at the Cobb Energy Center Auditorium in Atlanta, Georgia. There were 2 performances each lasting well over several hours and were the same format, but each with much ad-libbing. As you will see, Alton does not necessarily "run" the show. He has called in his fellow Food Network host, Ted Allen to "moderate" each segment. Alton explains this in the first scene. As a transcription, we'll keep Alton in the first person until Mr. Allen enters, and then go to a two-person format. Enjoy.

Cobb Energy Center Auditorium

GUESTS: Patrick Belden and his Very Small Orchestra
             Workers at Camp Pancake:
                      Noel Pumphry
                      Shelly Ryan
                      Kenzie Entercan
                      Vincent Dillon
             Ted Allen
             Marsha Brown

[Patrick Belden begins the music, the crowds is applauding and yells "Good Eats" at the appropriate time, AB walks on stage with his papier-mâché chicken. He places the chicken on a couch, and turns to the crowd]

AUDIENCE: [crowd cheers]

    Good evening! Hello! Thank you very much! Thank you, Atlanta! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Ahh, ten years. That's a lot of brine under the bridge. Thank you for coming out.
    You know, when we realized that we were actually going to cross the 10-year linewhich was only recently, I might addwe ... It was like, "Wow, we're actually going to make it to 10 years." ... we thought, we'll have, you know, some kind of live party thing ... type ... show. So what we decided to put together was a little bit more of a birthday celebration, kind of a variety show, if you will. And, of course, you can't pull off a variety show or a birthday party without music, and that's why we have Patrick Belden and his Very Small Orchestra.

[crowd claps]


    Interesting to note, Patrick and I go way, way back; almost 20 years, I mean, really. And he has done the music and the sound effects for every single episode of Good Eats.

AB: And for that I thank you, Sir.
PB: Thank you. It's been a pleasure.

    Also, it wouldn't be much of a birthday celebration without a big honking birthday cake. And we thought, "all right, there's got to be a food demo." I mean, you know, you come to things like this, you want to see some chow, right? So we will make a cake out of a whole bunch of pancakes. So what we did is we gathered up these big fabulous flat-top grills, and we set them up outside  at a space that we are now calling "Camp Pancake" [video of Camp Pancake appears on a huge chalkboard screen behind AB]. We actually managed to fool some people into going to and registering to kind of win a trip here, not knowing that they were going to be put to hard labor. [crowd laughs] So we've got Noel Pumphry, Shelly Ryan, Kenzie Entercan and Vincent Dillon up there.

AB: Hi, guys.
CAMP PANCAKE: [they wave]

    Boy, did they get a raw deal. Unfortunately, even with volunteers, we didn't have enough people and I had to resort to what I'd hoped to never resort to. And that is, of course, hiring family.

MB: [enters video quickly filling almost the entire Camp Pancake scene] Howdy, Bro.

[crowd laughs]

AB: [turns around to see her] Aah!
MB: How's it going?
AB: Hi.
MB: Hi. You know, not to worry about anything, because your dear younger sister has got everything under control here at Camp Pancake.
AB: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't mind you dressing up like a Dr. Seuss book, but I didn't tell you that you could be in control of anything. You're not qualified.
MB: I've got an idea. Why don't you just stay up there and chat with your little friends, and let me and my team do all the work?
AB: Fine, fine. Bye.

    Before we get any further, I do want to note that several of the, I think the first three rows, you have ponchos. Yeah, under your seats. Those, those aren't just prizes. [crowd laughs] Those are things that you will be needing throughout the show. I'll try to remember to warn you. It looks really good on you.
    [sits on the couch] So anyway, I have always been a really big ...

AB: [to the chicken] Stay. [camera cuts to the chicken]
[crowd laughs]

    I've always been a very, very big fan of, you know, those kind of talk shows where, kind of highbrow talk shows, where some impeccably prepared host with a big stack of index cards sits and questions some halfwit actor about his career. You know the ones I'm talking about? So I decided that I would prepare my entire life story on some index cards, and it's taken me quite a while to amass these. But, of course, I realized that I would have to have someone to actually read the questions to me. And I thought through, you know, looked through my Rolodex, and decided there was only one person for the job. A guy who I admire greatly and is perhaps, besides me, the smartest guy with glasses on Food Network. Please welcome Ted Allen.

TA: [comes running in from backstage] Thank you, sir. It is an honor to be here.
AB: It is an honor to have you. I have done all the work for you already. All you have to do is read the questions on these cards, and if you don't like the questions on those cards, there are also these cards.
TA: Okay, so let me get this straight. Basically what you want to do is interview yourself, but use me as one of your puppets.
AB: He, he has, he has a valid point.
TA: I don't think so. [takes out his own cards, as the crowd cheers] The way I would like to begin, if I may ...
AB: You may.
TA: ... is to read three names, and I would like to ask you about their significance.
AB: Shoot.
TA: Julia Child. Mr. Wizard. Monty Python.
AB: There is actually some significance to that. I'm not 100% sure how you found out about that since you didn't read my questions. Those were the names that I wrote down on a piece of paper in an office where I was working in 1994 when I first started putting ideas for this show together. I was an amateur cook and not a terribly good one. I would watch all these food shows in my spare time. And I remember thinking one day, "I don't learn that much from these shows, and they're certainly kind of boring." And I remember writing down what I would like to see in a cooking show is, you know, some Julia Child, some Mr. Wizard, and some Monty Python. And that was the memo.
TA: [to the audience] Doesn't that kind of explain everything?
AUDIENCE: [agrees]
TA: So you're sitting there, you wrote down these names ...
AB: Yeah.
TA: ... you hatched this idea for this crazy show, of which there is nothing like, similar on television today and probably never will be, and that might not be such a bad thing.
AB: It'd be okay by me.
TA: Yeah. You said to Deanna [his wife] ...
AB: Yes.
TA: You know what we should do? We should quit our jobs, and I should go to culinary school so that I can make a half-hour TV show that's a combination of Julia Child, Mr. Wizard and Monty Python.
AB: Wrong!
TA: Wrong.
AB: I said, "Wouldn't it be cool if somebody made it," and she said, "You should, but we'll have to quit our jobs and go to culinary school."
TA: Can you believe her?
AB: So it was her audacity that led us down this sorry road.
TA: Yes, and as in so many other aspects of your life, she turned out to be absolutely right.
AB: Yeah.
[crowd applauds]
TA: Well, but I'd like to ask you, is there a particular cooking segment that was not so much about something that was delicious, but that was just your favorite cooking segment on Good Eats?
AB: Ohh, that's easy. From the day we shot it, I have had my favorite cooking scene. It has never been eclipsed, and what is ironic is that it's not really, doesn't make good eats. In fact, it made ... well, let's watch it.

[outtake from the episode Oat Cuisine, Scene 4]

GUEST: Scotsman Paul

    [in a very bad Scottish brogue] Sew, yuu want tu make a Hah-gis. Well, step one is you're going to have to find a stoomick, a ship's [sheep] stoomick, and sook it overrrnight in salty water, right?
    Step tew, you're gonna have to find yourself soom bits and pieces like a ship's tongue, a ship's long, a ship's liver or bladder and the like.
    Step three, is yuu put 'im in the salty water and bring 'em to a burrl for at least two 'owers. Excellent.
    Nowew, when they're done, take outs your parrts and put 'em out on the cuttin board. Ew, be careful about the burlin' water, would yuu? Now, hack at them until their little intzy, bintzy bits bein' extra careful to look out for any skin or grilse or you'll get the back of me hand.
    Now, hack in maybe 3 or even 4 u'nions while you're at it. Now that that's duun, gew ahead and add half a pound of suet chopped fine ...

SP: [can't find the suet]
AB: Suet! It's the stuff on the left.

    You nuu idea how hard it is to find guud coolinary help in Scotlan'. Nowew, once you've hacked it all into wee bits, add half a bag of soft {salt?} oats.

AB: Hurry up!

    [sighs] It's a wunder we ever get anything un the table. Aye. Right. Nowew, time to stoof the stoomick. [approaches the work area] Don't be shy. [camera hangs back] Don't be shy! [camera approaches]
    Nowew, stoof you're soppin' stoomick full of the mixture thusly. Mmm, mmm. Right.

AB: Too many onions.

    Now, get yourself a bit of string and tie it up into a lovely, notily portion and boil it fer three hours to three days but not a minute longer ... or you'll get the back of me hand!

Cobb Energy Center Auditorium

AB: What really makes that scene work was Patrick Belden on bagpipes. That was what did it, yeah, absolutely.
TA: Yeah, because it wasn't your accent.
AB: Uh, it actually made a web site for a while of the worst accent performance on television ever done. Oh, I want to mention, Paul Merchant, my prop guy, who was the cooking assistant on that, we accidentally made this scene at the side of a lake over a yellow jacket nest. And we were "true Scots" that day, which brought a certain ... urgency ... to filming. We made it, but it was tense for a while.

TA: [voiceover] Stay tuned to learn more about some of Alton's crazy cooking contraptions. Good Eats Turns 10 will be right back.

Cobb Energy Center Auditorium

    Welcome back to Good Eats Turns 10, live here at the fabulous Cobb Energy Center. I'm sitting here chatting with Ted Allen, and his, his questions are ... What do you think? Let him keep going, or do we ...
[crowd cheers]
    Fine, fine, but, um, I do, you know, I do really have to check back in. These pancakes are important to me. So I want to go back up to Camp Pancake.

AB: Marsha, report!
MB: Yes, Alton, everything's fine here.
AB: Oh. Good.
MB: Everything's going smoothly. In fact, we're ahead of schedule. We don't need as many pancakes as we thought, and I'm thinking about going and getting my nails done. What do you say?
AB: You actually think we need fewer pancakes?
MB: That's what they tell me.
AB: Okay, bye-bye.
MB: Bye, Alton.
AB: Bye.

AB: I'll go out and check on that later, but it does look like the crew is making the pancakes, so we're at least heading towards something that might be edible.
TA: Well, I mean, it's a birthday. We need a cake.
AB: Let's get on with it!
TA: All righty. Well, Alton, you seem to have some particular penchant for building crazy, bizarre contraptions. You call them, some of you call them rigs.
AB: Hacks.
TA: You call them hacks. I would like to take us through real quickly through a fast slideshow on some of the ones that I think are fantastic.
AB: Oh, all right.
TA: And, uh, so let's do it.
AB: All right, I'll try to give insight.
TA: Now what is... What are you doing? Cold fusion? What is that all about?
AB: No, no. I like cooking whole fish. But scaling fish is treacherous business, and you scrape, and they're made out of protein, and they're covered with slime, so when they fly up and they hit the wall, they solidify there, and it's like sequins.
TA: What's wrong with sequins?
AB: Well, except they smell like fish.
TA: Oh, they smell like fish. That's what's wrong with them.
AB: And so I thought, well, I wish I could have this kind of containment for it. So I went to a discount store, I bought a four-dollar plastic bin, cut two holes in it, stuck in these rubber gloves, and you put it on a cutting board, and you can scale your fish all day, and you don't have to worry about it. It is also amazingly good for changing diapers.
TA: Oh!
AB: Next.
TA: All right, here we have a jerky dryer, made of a window fan and a furnace filter.
AB: Ahh, one of my proudest moments in the making of the beef jerky. I was very upset by the fact that all the beef jerky machines, dehydrators, use heating elements, which cooks the beef jerky, and that's not what you want from beef jerky. You want it to be dry, dehydrated. So I went down in my basement, I found this old window fan, brined, or, you know, did a wet cure on some flank steak, cut it up, and then I had found where the people that work on the furnace had left some furnace filters. That's there. And so I just layered the meat up on the furnace filters, used bungee cords to hang it onto the fan, and turned on the fan. I went away for 24 hours. Granted, I should've done this maybe in the basement, not the spare bedroom. Once that aroma sets into the draperies...
TA: Oh, yeah.
AB: ... it's very difficult to get that out. However, it is incredibly important to note that if you do leave one of these furnace filters laying around, you tell the people that change the furnace filters.
TA: Don't use them.
AB: Because if they put it into the furnace, then it's like somebody set off a beef bomb. [crowd laughs] Hey, you come home, you drive home, and there's 75 dogs in your driveway, and they're all pointed at the house. And my dog ... I have this basset hound/beagle named Matilda. We'd walk her down the street, and she's like, 'That's right. I live in that house'.
TA: 'That's right. I'm Alton Brown's dog.'
TA: Well, our last contraption ...
AB: Yes.
TA: ... I believe is considered the pièce de résistance! The turkey derrick!
AB: Well, the whole thing was is that, you know, I wanted people to be able to fry turkeys, which is an incredibly dangerous operation, right? So I went to the hardware store, and I bought, like, 20 dollars worth of pulleys, sash cord, and a window cleat that you do drape things with. And I put it on this Fiberglas ladder, and look. You can now step away and safely, you know, torture the turkey there in the boiling oil. And I really like the beacon up at the top, which allows ... you know, everyone knows frying turkeys is going on here.
TA: Yeah.
AB: And, look. I mean, it's magnificent. Oh. Every year, I wait for the Nobel committee to call.
TA: Think of the lives that have been saved.
AB: I don't know that I've saved any lives, but I feel certain that I have saved a deck or two.
TA: Yeah. Well, it is time for a break. But when Good Eats Turns 10 returns, we will challenge Alton to come up with a cooking contraption using the one uni-tasker in his kitchen.

TA: [voiceover] More Good Eats Turns 10 when we come back.

Cobb Energy Center Auditorium

GUESTS: Itchy and Twitchy

Welcome back, to Good Eats Turns 10, live with my friend Ted Allen, who's right here next to me. We're in our lab suits. We've brought in the one piece of the Good Eats set that we could actually fit in here with all this junk that we brought. And, of course, the new blackboard.

AB: So what is it exactly you have in mind?
TA: Well, I think you've made some kind of culinary contraption from virtually every object in your kitchen. Am I right?
AB: Yes.
TA: But there is one item that I have never seen you put to multiple purposes before, and that item ...
AB: Yes.
TA: Is this. [brings out a fire extinguisher**, as the crowd cheers] A handsome fire extinguisher it is.
AB: It is. It's a uni-tasker. It is the one and only uni-tasker. So it doesn't have to do anything else.
TA: No, it doesn't have to. But I'm beginning to wonder if you simply can't come up with anything cool to do with it.
[starts to ooo and ahh]
AB: Ted, would I be right in assuming that ... Are you daring me?
TA: In point of fact, sir, I'm double-dog daring you.
AB: You're on!
TA: Bring it!
AB: [turns the FE around a little while examining it] You're going to have to help me.
TA: Okay.
AB: Wrench! [removes the nozzle and hose from the fire extinguisher]
TA: So you've broken the fire extinguisher.
[goes backstage and wheels out the bottled water dispenser]
TA: You know, I think that belongs to the Cobb Center, actually.
AB: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll replace it. Bucket. [removes the five-gallon water bottle and empties it into the bucket]
TA: Oh, ponchos are coming out. Ooh. Clever.
AB: [audience laughs as he walks to the front of the stage with the dripping water bottle.] Yeah, that's probably a good idea. Reconnecting this thing to that thing over here. [connects the extingusher back to the hose and up thru the dispenser, takes out a drill] All right, hold that. Do you trust me, Ted?
TA: I don't think you're going to get your deposit back.
AB: I'm not going to get my deposit back. [drills a 3" hole into the top of the water bottle] Yep.
TA: All right.
AB: All right.
TA: Good.
AB: All right. The other drill now. Excellent. [brandishing the drill, and reprising a character from "Citizen Cane"] Is it safe? All right. We need some holes. [begins to 1/4" holes around the top and middle of the bottle] Turn. Do a couple down here. All right, we're getting someplace now.
TA: All right.
AB: Okay, one more.
TA: All right.
AB: Okay.
TA: Okay.
[crowd applauds]
AB: Don't clap. We drilled some holes. [crowd laughs, returns the bottle to the dispenser, goes backstage again, and comes back with an assortment of grapes and berries]
AB: Funnel! Fruit's good for you. [loads the fruit into the water bottle] Okay, that's good. [AB looks up, as the crowd laughs]
TA: [holds up a pair of goggles] Ooh, wait, wait, wait. Do we need these?
AB: Yeah. Well, maybe we should just test it.
TA: Okay.
AB: Okay.
TA: Ready?
AB: [holding on tightly to the bottle over the dispenser] Yeah.
TA: Okay. [opens the fire extinguisher valve which releases CO2 into the water bottle, around the fruit and out through the holes spraying carbon dioxide and fruit everywhere]
AB: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
TA: That was cool. I like that. That was cool. You guys all right?
AB: [retrieves a tennis racket which he places over the 3" hole on top to keep the flying fruit inside it]
TA: Are you ready?
AB: All right. Hit it! [they give three more blasts on the FE] All right, all right! [reaches into test the fruit]
TA: That felt good. Is there any fruit left in there?
AB: I hope so. [empties frozen fruit back into bowl]
TA: Oh, cool. Wow.
AB: You're wondering, it's full of dry ice now, what could we possibly do with that? Well ...

TA: [points to his goggles] May I take I take these off now?
AB: Yes.
TA: Okay. You're sure?
AB: I think the danger has passed. [takes out a blender] Help me get that in there. [puts the frozen fruit into the blender] We'll just ... All our frozen fruit and our dry ice. Okay.
TA: All righty.
AB: Now the critical ingredient. Grape juice. [pours in the grape juice, which causes the carbon dioxide in the dry ice to sublimate]
TA: Look at that. That'd be great for parties.
AB: What do you think this is, buddy? You got a little on your lip there. [indicates for Ted to turn on the blender]
TA: Why do you want ... why do I have to do it?
AB: [turns on the blender, making smoothies]
TA: It bubbles. [they taste as the crowd cheers]
AB: Oh! Oh! Brain freeze. Oh! If you noticed, it's lightly carbonated.
TA: It is. It's a carbonated smoothie. It has a little bit of fizz to it.
AB: I'm going to go finish this.
TA: Oh, I believe I will, as well.
AB: You know, Ted, I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful intermission.
TA: I think you're right.

ITCHY & TWITCHY: [walk out on stage holding signs that read "DON'T TRY THIS" and "AT HOME"]

TA: [voiceover] Stay tuned to test your Good Eats knowledge, when some super fans challenge Alton to a trivia takedown. Good Eats Turns 10 will be right back.


Cobb Energy Center Auditorium

GUESTS: Shirley Corriher
             "Tender" and "Flaky" puppets

    Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you. Welcome back to, well, Good Eats Turns 10, which is a pretty self-explanatory title. We've had a good time so far, I think. Have we? We've had a good time.
[crowd cheers]
    Before we get a whole lot farther into this whole thing, I do want to try to establish contact with my sister again, because we really do need these pancakes at the end of the show.

AB: Marsha, what's going on over there?
MB: What? What? What? What, Alton, what? Everything's fine, just fine. Why wouldn't it be fine?
AB: [the scene appears to be chaotic, with pieces of pancake everywhere, and the crew is throwing food around] I don't see "fine". What's that girl doing right there with those things?
MB: Nothing. She's doing what she's supposed to be doing. Everything's fine. I don't know what gave you the idea it's not fine. Look, I don't have time to chat, okay? I got to go. [video stops]
AB: O... kay.

    It's all right. I'm watching my career flash before my eyes. Wait a second. Okay, uh ... Well, there'll be something to cook, or, well, it looks like it's already been cooked. Burnt, in fact, but anyhow ...
    Now I'm going to indulge myself in another little fantasy, which is to be a contestant on my very own game show. Of course, it's very difficult to have a game show without having contestants. And here are the people that were chosen to come forth and be conquered***. Please welcome to this stage: Angelina Vittorio. Where are you, Angela? Ahh, there she is. Dave Duran. Right there. And, Nan Kimbalan. Where are you? Nan, there you go. Come on up. Come on up. Never have so few come so far to do so little.
    I hope you're feeling the love here, because that all is pretty much going to stop right now. Because we're going to play, Good Eats Trivia Takedown!

DAVE DURAN: You're going down.
NAN KIMBALAN: You're going down now.
DD: Bring it on, bring it on. Let's go, come on. Come on.
AB: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the stage Mr. Ted Allen.
TA: At your service. Thank you. Contestants, this is how it's going to be. I'm going to read a question. It may be fill-in-the-blank. It may be multiple choice. If you think you know the answer, push the big red button then, not now, and you'll have three seconds to state your response. Each correct answer scores one point. And when we are done, there will be prizes aplenty for the winner.
AB: That'll be me.
TA: Or winners.
AB: Not going to happen.
TA: Could happen.
AB: Not today.
TA: Moving right along. Is everybody ready?
AB: Yes.
NK: Yes!
DD: We're ready.
TA: Question number one. What ingredient has had the most Good Eats episodes named after it?
DD: [to AB] Your fly is down. [hits the buzzer]
TA: Whoa. Strategy. Yes, Sir? [challengers whisper amongst themselves]
DD: Is it crustaceans?
TA: 1, 1,000, 2, 1,000...
AB: This is so easy. I'm trying to give you one.
TA: 3, 1,000...
DD: Can we take our lifeline?
AB: You did see the thing on the Internet about, you know, fans, being Good Eats fans? You'd ... All right. I tell you what, lifeline. I'm going to close my ears, and I am going to let him count to five, and whatever happens in this room happens.
TA: You can help him.
AB: Da da-da da-da da-da.
[audience members shout the answer: eggs]
TA: Okay, that's enough. That's enough. That's enough.
AB: Da da da da da da...
TA: Do you have an answer, Sir? Or Mesdames?
DD: I think we're going to go with eggs, Ted.
TA: Eggs is the correct answer.
NK: Yeah!
AB: I'm just trying to give them, you know, a little something. Give them the hope that I'm going to smash later.
DD: Come on, A.B., Let's see what you got.
TA: In the one-hour special, "Down and Out in Paradise," what angry animal does Alton blow up with a hand grenade. A: a wolf,  B: a wolverine, or C: a pig?
AB: You know...
TA: No, you're really, maybe you're being overly generous.
AB: Maybe.
TA: Guys, it's three freakin' options. Was it a dad-gum wolf, a wolverine ... You've got a 33% chance.
AB: Look, look, I'm a cook. Wouldn't I blow up something you could eat? Let's look at the list again.
NK: Oh, a wolverine!
TA: A wolf, a wolverine or a pig? As in pork, bacon, ham.
AV: [sounds buzzer]
TA: Yes?
AV: We're going to go with pig.
TA: Do tell! Maybe you just never had the right wolverine. Let me tell you, it's delicious.
NK: I know!
AB: Give it to them. I'm just trying to be ...
TA: The correct answer was a pig. Alton blew up a pig. He then made it into sweet-and-sour pork.
AB: Yes.
DD: Whoo!
TA: That's how he rolls.
AB: And how many people here knew that?
TA: Here comes our next question, and it's a little bit more difficult. In several episodes, Alton is held captive by a deranged fan ...
NK: Ooh, me!
TA: A different one.
NK: Okay, okay.
TA: ... based on a character from the Stephen King novel "Misery." What is that fan's name?
AB: [sounds buzzer]
NK: No No.
AB: That would be Francis Anderson.
NK: I knew that one.
TA: That's correct.
NK: I knew that one!
AB: [taunts NK, who taunts back]
TA: Is everyone paying attention? There's a lot riding on this. Okay, next question ...
AB: [sounds buzzer] Just checking.
TA: What ingredient does Alton refer to as an aquatic cockroach?
AB: [sounds buzzer] That would be the lobster.
TA: You are correct, Sir.
AB: Yes, of course, I am.
TA: Next question, and it is a video question submitted by cooking expert and Good Eats regular, Shirley Corriher!
SHIRLEY CORRIHER: Which fat is the best for making a super flaky piecrust? Butter, lard, or shortening?
AB: [sounds buzzer]
TA: Oh, why, yes? Quick refle...
AB: I'm sorry. That would be lard, Ted.
TA: You are correct, Sir.
AB: Yes.
DD: [derisively] Ooh, ooh. Wow.
AB: Four men enter, one man leaves.
NK: Oh, whatever.
TA: We're going to play a little show-and-tell here, and fly in a couple of puppets. I'd like for you to take a close look at these pugilistic puppets, and tell me what piecrust attributes they represent?
AB: [hits the buzzer, but it is not working]
TA: Got to hear the buzzer.
AB: [mutters to himself]
TA: I have to hear the buzzer, Sir, or I cannot accept ...
AB: Well, I don't have... Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
TA: Maybe you should take the...
AB: [knocks the head off of one of the puppets, as the crowd gasps, puppeteer skulks off]
NK: Ohh!
TA: The pugilistic puppets are named for two desirable attributes of a piecrust. Think about a piecrust. What do you like in a piecrust?
NK: Flaky.
DD: Flakiness.
TA: And what might another attribute, positive at...
AB: [who has been trying to rig a light bulb inside the blender at his table to work as his "buzzer"] I don't hear no buzzer over there, bucko.
P: Tender.
TA: You are correct! Tender and flaky.
NK: Oh!
TA: Tender and flaky.
AB: I knew that.
TA: This would have to be our very last question. In which episode did Alton first introduce kosher salt? Was it A: "Steak Your Claim", B: "This Spud's For You", or C: "Salad Daze?"
DD: [sounds buzzer]
TA: I... oh.
DD: We're going to go with "Steak Your Claim."
TA: You are correct.
AV: Yes!
NK: Whoo!
TA: And...
AB: I pushed the button. It didn't work.
TA: Alton, we have to hear the buzzer. You made the rules.
AB: I didn't ...
TA: You know the rules. You wrote them.
AB: I ...
TA: What are you going to do? And what that means, folks, is that, let's hear it for our winners. The fans have beaten the man!
NK: Whoo-hoo!
TA: Shocking.
AB: [abuses his defective buzzer]
TA: Kick it. Just kick it.
NK: That's not a multitasker over there.
TA: As I promised before, prizes galore. Winners, each of you now gets to pick out your very own Good Eats shirt.
AB: What?
TA: Each has been lightly, but lovingly used, and dry-cleaned for your convenience.
AB: No. Ted ...
NK: Yeah!
TA: And ...
NK: Nice.
AB: ... those are mine.

TA: Super fans, enjoy those. Just don't wear them anywhere near an open flame. Now, Alton, I'm afraid it's my sad duty to inform you that as thelet's not call you a loseras the non-winner ...
AB: [hits the buzzer, which starts working again]
TA: I'm afraid you have to take a ride in the vomit-tron! The nausea-inducing device from the award-winning episode, "Ginger: Rise of the Rhizome." [hands AB a bucket] Just in case.
AB: Thanks, buddy.
TA: Ta-ta.
AB: Fine, I'll ride the vomit-tron. I won't need this bucket. I invented this thing. Go ahead, give me your best shot. I'm fine. Good Eats Turns 10 will be right back.

Cobb Energy Center Auditorium

TA: Welcome back to Good Eats Turns 10. And how about our super fans who beat the pants off Alton and won themselves a shirt? Let's give them one more round of applause. Oh, and, uh, Alton, maybe we ought to let him out. How you doing?
AB: [stumbles out, and not doing too well]
TA: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Sir. Alton, Alton.
AB: I don't need this bucket.
TA: I thought you had the vomit-tron under control?
AB: I don't need the bucket.
TA: Let's get you to the sofa, get you to ...
AB: Yeah.
TA: Let's ...
AB: Yeah, that's good. Mom?
TA: Now that's weird. Okay, there you go. There you go.
AB: I don't need this bucket.
TA: I know, but why don't you hang onto it?
AB: I don't need this.
TA: I know, but ...
AB: You have it.
TA: No, you keep it.
AB: Ponchos.
TA: Ponchos, poncho, poncho! Ponchos.
TA: All righty, well, while Alton kind of gathers his ... collects himself, let's take a moment to watch another few Good Eats moments, and then Alton will perhaps tell us what they all have in common.

Outtakes from various episodes

WAITER: [from "Great Balls of Meat"] Run for your lives! Run for your lives!
[from "Art of Darkness II"] Howdy, howdy, howdy, folk.
CREOLE HOST: [from "Bowl O' Bayou"] Spi-I-I-I-I-cy! Whew!
[from the Good Eats short "Teeny Tiny Bubbles"] Whoo! Whoo!
CAPTAIN SQUINT: [from "Shell Game IV"]
[from "Curious Yet Tasty Avocado Experiment"] Live long and prosper.
KOOL-AID CHARACTER: [from "Dill-icious"] Oh, yeah!
[from "Oh My, Meat Pie"]
LACTOSE MAN & RAMON ENGLE: [from "Milk Made"] Ooh!
: [from "House of the Rising Bun"] Burrrrrrrp.
BACTERIA PUPPET: [from "Tender is the Loin II"]
[from "Potato, My Sweet"] Gun!
: [from "The Muffin Method Man"] Go get it, boy. Go get it.
[from "This Spud's For You, Too"] I am your biggest fan.
KOKO KARL: [from "Power Trip"] Slp, slp, slp, slp, slp.
SYLVESTER W. GRAHAM: [from "Going Crackers"] Lust!
FANNY BAY: [from "Shell Game"] Zinc increases testosterone production, you know.
PEANUT SALESMAN: [from "Sometimes You Feel Like A...] You want a nut. Try looking in the mirror, you freak!
MARSHA BROWN: [from "Circle of Life"] Why, you little freak.
FED #3: [from "Churn Baby Churn 2"] We're watching you, little man.
KAZIMIERZ FUNK: [from "If It Ain't Broccoli Don't Fix It"]

Cobb Energy Center Auditorium


AB: I'm okay now.
TA: It's like there's a strange little fantasy playground inside your brain.
AB: Usually the medication keeps that in check.
TA: Ahh.
AB: And then it comes time to write scripts, and I go off them, the meds.
TA: And then things like, things like that happen.
AB: And the thing that all that has in common, characters. And actually, we have three different kinds of characters. Most of the peopleI have to give props tomost of the folks that you see up on that screen are actually crew members. They are people that operate various machines. You see that guy out there with that camera? Right here? Yeah, that's Ramon Engel. Whenever I need a doctor, he plays the doctor. He's now played doctor, I don't know, like, eight times probably on the show. Our head lighting technician David is. Whenever we need a law enforcement guy, a cop, he's the cop.
TA: Do you pay them extra for that?
AB: Yes.
TA: In what sense?
AB: Snacks. And if they, you know what? The truth is, if they don't want to do it, I replace them with a puppet.
TA: Oh, okay. There you go.
AB: Puppets are fantastic because they don't have to have a trailer, and you don't have to feed them. And when they're done, you put them in a box. I would say that everybody on Good Eats ... no, no. There's one person on Good Eats, luckily, that cannot be replaced by a puppet.
PUPPET AB: Ha! Want to bet?
AB: Look, that's ... it's ... no, no, that's not even close. That doesn't even look anything like me.
PAB: Ha! Have you looked in a mirror lately?
AB: Your hair is all wrong.
PAB: Oh, yeah? Well, at least mine won't fall out.
AB: I have opposable thumbs. How are you going to have a cooking show without opposable thumbs? Hmm?
PAB: Oh, well, I don't need any. I've got Thing on my side.
THING: [appears holding a whisk]
AB: Et tu, Thing? Doesn't matter. Take the worthless little appendage. I don't care. The truth is that you don't sound anything like me.
PAB: Oh, yeah? Check this out. [begins to quote AB]
        "Organization will set you free."
        "Oh, bother."
        "Prodigiously perforated pie pans."
        "John Wayne loved puppets."
        "That's another show."

[*Note on difference between taping and broadcast]

MARSH BROWN: [appears on screen between Puppet AB] Alton? Alton!
PAB: What do you want, Marsha?
MB: The pancakes are coming up in a minute.
PAB: The pancake ... Ohh! The pancakes! Battle stations, everybody! Oh! Oh! Don't worry. Good Eats Turns 10 will be right back.

Cobb Energy Center Auditorium


[AB and TA walk out on stage, with full body "clean room" suits and goggles]

TA: Welcome back to Good Eats Turns 10, where we are about to bake a cake. Or, is it "make" a cake.
AB: No. Make a cake, bake a cake. They already baked it.
TA: Is there a difference?
AB: We're going to assemble.
TA: That's right. We're going to assemble.
AB: [to the audience] Might I suggest the ponchos? Yes, we're going to make a cake, all right. [to offstage] BRING FORTH THE PANCAKES!
[MB and the Camp Pancake crew enter with trays full of 2' diameter pancakes]
AB: Now listen, Ted, I do have a bit of a job for you on this. I'm going to want you to apply the frosting, okay? You're in charge of the frosting.
TA: How am I supposed to do that?
AB: Our special products division has brought something for you. Say hi to W.
TA: W.
W: Which one of you is going to be the test pilot?
AB: [points to TA] Here's the test pilot. Yeah, so get him strapped in there. Oh, you know, it's easy.
W: No, I got it.
TA: How does this work?
W: All you have to do is point it, and pull the trigger.
TA: Oh. This one?
AB: Oh, I like it.
W: Yeah, there you go, go right there, turn this here. Is there anyone that you'd like for me to contact?
AB: Come on, W, it's going to be fine. Go.
W: Fine, fine. Let me evacuate first.
AB: Evacuate, by all means.
TA: Safety off.
AB: [runs to the top of the stairs] Let's make a cake! [is handed the pancakes by Marsha and then impales them on a giant metal rod] It's rolling. You put way too much fat in these, Marsha. [to TA] Hit it.
TA: [sprays fluorescent frosting on the stack of pancakes as AB continues adding them]
AB: Way too soft. [throws it into the audience] Give me another one. We're going to be lucky if we survive. Hey, watch it, Ted! Keep going, keep going, keep bringing them, keep giving them. Go, Marsha. Move it. All right, good structure on those. Come on, come on, come on, come on! Almost there. We're almost there. Right up to the top. Come on! Hurry! All right, that's it. Give me my pack! [comes down the stairs and straps on a similar pack as TA's and beings to frost the cake, too] Come on, come on.

[after spraying the cake, spraying each other and spraying themselves,
the lights go off and the cake lights up fluorescently, the cake is finished]

AB: [takes a piece of the frosting and smears it around his face]
Hey, nice shooting, Tex.
AB: I thought I told you not to cross the streams. Well, what do you think?
TA: I think it looks great. I think you look great.
AB: Yeah, you look great.
TA: But it really needs a candle or something.
AB: Or something? I vote for "or something".
CREW MEMBER: [brings out a "detonator" type box]
AB: [plunges it down but nothing happens] Nothing around here works! [kicks the detonator, which sets off rockets from the top of the cake] Thank you for coming, Atlanta! I love you! Thank you! Thank you! And good night.
TA: Alton Brown!
AB: Ted Allen!
TA: Alton Brown!

[AB's family and then the cast and crew come
out on stage and spray him with Silly String]

*As anyone who attended the show will tell you, an entire scene was dropped from the final episode. The puppeteer at this point springs on to the couch and is none other than Lucky Yates. Directly following this, AB leaves while Bart Hansard, Widdi Turner and Daniel Pettrow enter to chat with Ted Allen. During the chat, AB dons his Colonel Bob Boatwright costume and later enters to be "interviewed" as well. He sits close to Widdi and attempts to use his Southern Charm on her during the interview ... Widdi was often repulsed. It was one of the funnier (and more mature) bits of the evening that unfortunately got dropped.

**The fire extinguisher Ted Allen brings out is a CO2 (carbon dioxide) version. This type of extinguisher is used for Class B (Flammable liquids and gasses) and Class C (Electrical equipment) fires. It should not be used for Class A fires (ordinary combustibles), as the high-pressure cloud of gas can scatter burning materials. Therefore, it  not suitable for the kitchen. Many recommend an A/B/C extinguisher for the kitchen.

***The audience learned why these three were chosen as contestants. Food Network ran a contest online for folks to submit amateur videos from fans. The best ones would be invited to be in the show. The audience got to watch all 3 of the videos. (The other 4 winners are in Camp Pancake)

Can't Find it. It's one with sock puppets on the fan. She's babysitting them.
Angelina Vittorio's Video

Dave Duran's video

Nan Kimbalan's Video

Transcribed by Michael Roberts
Proofread by Michael Menninger

Hit Counter

Last Edited on 08/27/2010