SCENE 1
Movie Theater

GUESTS: Other Movie Patrons
              Usher

    [AB sits in a darkened movie theatre while a movie plays] John Wayne ate popcorn. Oh yeah. If there's a snack food that's more American, I can't think of it. I mean  after all, corn—or maize, as the rest of the world calls it—is the most important New World food of all. And popcorn is certainly the most American form of said cereal.

OTHER MOVIE PATRONS: Shhhh.

Think about it. Popcorn tastes great, it's good for you, and it goes off like fireworks when you cook it. What could be more American?

OMP: Eh, shut up, 'ya idiot.
AB: Sorry.

    But like so many crucial elements of Americana, we've allowed popcorn to fall from grace. What were once flavorful snowflakes, perfect and unique, have been supplanted with flavorless packing materials, grown for yield, rather than flavor or texture.

OMP: Quiet down front!

    To make up for this, today's average bowl of popcorn has been bathed in noxious flavorants [reaches into another patron's tub and pulls out a handful of popcorn] ...

OMP: That's so rude!

...  and dosed up with so much salt, you could make a mini-Lot's wife.

USHER: Excuse me, Sir.
AB: Just a second.

    As for the popping itself ...

U: Sir ...

... [becomes increasingly aggitated] which used to be a communal act, bonding families, friends, lovers ...

U: Sir ...

... it's been left to big industries ...

U: Sir ...

... or worse, consigned to that soulless box, the microwave.

U: Alright, that's it, Sir. Come on. [picks AB up from his seat]

AB: Just ... wait ... [is dragged from his seat]

    Well, I say, it's time for popcorn lovers to take back the snack. Take back the snack.

OMP: Sit down, you freak.
U: Come on.

    [now in a frenzy] Not only is popcorn good, and good for you, it's good clean fun ...

OMP: Whatever.

... not to mention ...

["Good Eats" theme plays]

SCENE 2
The Plaza Theater: Atlanta, GA - 10:15 am

GUEST: Popcorn Vender

    For instance, movie theatres have not always sold the stuff.

PV: Ah, yeah. In the old days, theatre owners used to rent space outside their places to local popcorn vendors, who used to move their carts around the city.
AB: Yeah. It wasn't until the Depression when a five-cent bag of popcorn seemed like an affordable luxury, that movie theatres got wise and started popping their own.
PV: Today, a vast majority of the theatre's profits comes from popcorn. And here's another myth; you know that first Thanksgiving? There was no popcorn.
AB: Uh uh. Our only reliable account of that event, a 1622 book, called "Mort's Relation". Old man Mort, he never even mentioned the stuff.
PV: In fact, popcorn didn't become popular in the eastern United States, until 19th ...
AB & PV: ... century whalers brought it back from Chile.
AB: That's right. Now, in the American southwest ...
PV: Ahh, that's another story.
AB: [turns to look at the popcorn salesman, and thinks he recognizes him as The Dungeon Master] You look really familiar to me.
PV: Oh yeah? Wait 'till you see the next scene. Whaaaaa ... [they exit]

SCENE 3
Bat Cave, Catron County, New Mexico

GUESTS: Deb Duchon, Nutritional Anthropologist
              "Batman"

    [AB spelunks down a cave wall a la the TV show, "Batman" from the 1960's] Welcome to Bat Cave, Catron County, New Mexico. These caverns once housed an ancient agrarian society who were heavily dependent upon maize for their nutrition. Because of the cool, dry microclimate here, these caverns are a fantastic place to find remains of ancient strains of maize.

DEB DUCHON: [DD sticks her head out of a hole in the side of the wall] You know, Alton, scientists have been working here for about 50 years, and they found corn tassels, and corn husks, and even little tiny ears of ancient popcorn still on the cob.
AB: Really?
DD: Yeah!

    [to us] Did you think about a nutritional anthropologist, because I know I wasn't thinking about a nutritional anthropologist?

DD: Well, today, I'm not a nutritional anthropologist. Today, I am an archeo-ethnobotanist.
AB: Oh yeah?
DD: Yeah!
AB: Well, what are you doing here?

[the camera tilts 90° to reveal that AB was really walking on the floor, he sits down next to DD]

DD: I'm working. What are you doing here, besides trampling all over my dig?
AB: Well, sorry. I was looking for some thousand-year-old popcorn.
DD: Oh, well just look around, 'cause this place is full of it. And it still pops, too. All you have to do is soak it in a little water, and let it go.
AB: Wow.
DD: But it's an ancient form of Zia maize, but the kernels are so hard, the only way for people to get at the nutrition was to pop it open.
AB: Wow, well, tell me something. How did the Meso-Americans pop it, when they weren't known for using fat as a cooking medium?
DD: [reaches down and pulls up a bowl of ... ] Sand.
AB: Sand?
DD: Sand. You put the kernels in the three-legged pot full of sand. It was placed on the fire. And then when the sand got hot enough, the kernels would pop up to the surface.
AB: Cool. I wonder who thought of that?
DD: Well, probably an accidental discovery. But I can imagine that back in the old days sitting around the campfire at night, that popping popcorn could have been a form of entertainment.
AB: Too bad they didn't have any butter.
DD: Well, they probably pounded it with water, into some sort of a gruel or mush.
AB: Wow, that sounds nutritious.
DD: Very nourishing.
AB: Tell me something, Deb. I don't see any bats. I don't smell any bats. Why do they call this "bat cave"?

BATMAN: [appears out of the hole] Ah, Deborah, there you are ... and with the popcorn. Excellent. We need you, back in the bat-kitchen. [acknowledges AB] Citizen. [disappears below]
DD: Sorry, Alton, gotta go. The boys need me.
AB: Yeah, I'd bet they do. [to himself] Who writes this stuff? [the camera re-tilts and AB "climbs" back up to the surface]
 

SCENE 4
The Kitchen

    Now here we have Pink Diamond, Purple Amethyst, Baby Black Pearl, Southwest Gold, Baby Blue Sapphire, Baby Pearl, Red Ruby, Baby Yellow Topaz, Blue Sapphire, Petit Princess Amber. Now each one of these has a distinct flavor and texture and a distinct popped size. But don't be deceived by the color. Except for the white varieties, which will always pop up white, they're all yellow deep down where it counts.

SCENE 5
The Backyard

    [AB stands next to a pot on a burner] Why is popcorn our only exploding food? Well, let's ponder some of the parts involved.

    [pouring water into the pot] Now, proper detonation requires between 13 and 15 percent water, which in this case, is the actual explosive agent. Now, all we have to do is seal this thing up tight.

At movie theatres in South America, people eat
roasted ants instead of popcorn.

SCENE 6
The Backyard

    [attaches clamps onto the pot lid] There, that ought to stay put. And now we apply ze heat! There. [turns on the burner]

    The pericarp ruptures, spewing hot liquid starch in all directions. As the pressure is released, the corn/lava begins to cool and set, into this rather curious shape [camera pulls out to show that AB is lying under a huge model of a popped kernel]. Now if anyone out there has a phone, I'd appreciate it if you would dial 911 and I'll just wait here.
 

SCENE 7
The Kitchen

GUESTS: Old Maid
             Little Orphan
             Bad Colonel

    Here is another thing that makes popcorn specifically American. It was greatly popularized after The Civil War by the development and marketing of popcorn poppers. If that's not an American concept, I don't know what is.
    Now, back then, poppers were hearth-based appliances; that is, they were meant to be used over a fire. Now the earliest models were essentially just wire mesh boxes, with wooden handles. There was no medium to evenly move heat into the kernels, so this method takes forever, and there are a lot of burnt pieces and loads of "old maids"

OLD MAID: [appears]
AB: Hi.
OM: [hits AB and leaves]
AB: Ow!

    Okay, fine, from now on, we'll call them "little orphans".

LITTLE ORPHAN: [appears]
AB: Hi.
LO: [hits AB and leaves]
AB: Hey! What the ...

    The next development was something I like to call "The Bed Warmer Popper". The reason it was an advancement? A solid bottom which means that you could actually pop with a little bit of fat. The problem is the bottom was way too wide, so you still ended up with a lot of burning, and a lot of, well, how shall I say, bad kernels?

BAD COLONEL: Perhaps you could use some time in the cooler.
AB: [offers] Popcorn?
BC: Nein.
AB: Okay.

SCENE 8
Test Lab

GUEST: "W", Equipment Specialist

W: [is testing popcorn poppers and wearing ear protection]
AB: W, what's popping?
W: What?
AB: What's popping?
W: [hands AB a pair of headphones] Put these on!
AB: Are you serious?
W: Regulations. [begins to talk to AB but we can't hear what she's saying]

    [to himself, as "W" is speaking] Now these things are just ridiculous. Hey wait a second. I can't hear a word she says. This could be kind of fun. I'll go along, kind of pretend.

W: [as AB removes the headphones we hear her]  ...  and manual, with oil resev ...

    Oh yeah, it's much better with them on. Hmm, I don't know what she's saying. Something about popcorn poppers.

W: [taps AB on the shoulder]

    What? Oh, better keep up the charade. Uh hmm. Yes, eat some popcorn; that's a good idea. Yuk, it doesn't have any salt on it. It's retched. [looks at a popper with a rotating bar on a flat pan] Oh, now that's just silly. Even if all the kernels popped, steam condenses on the dome and runs back on the corn. Even if it worked perfectly, who'd want such a gigantic unitasker hanging around the kitchen? Well, not me.
    Oooh, sweet. It's one of those movie-theatre models. Yeah, there's a little thing that rotates up top, and all the popcorn pops, and then you dump it out, and the warming lights keep it nice and toasty.
    [looks at "W", not hearing her speak] Blah, blah, blah. I wonder how much this thing costs ...

W: [AB has temporarily removed his headphones]  ...  somewhere from a thousand dollars. So, cost ...

    [puts the headphones back on] Ewww. I like popcorn. But I don't like popcorn that much. [turns to another popper] Hmm, maybe this air pop model is not so bad. The problem is, is without any fat inside, there's no way for the salt to stick, and popcorn without salt is, well, packing material. This bowl, however, that could be useful. Think I'll just slip out.

SCENE 9
The Kitchen

    Now I am all about letting the flavor of the kernel come through. But let's face it, there are few things on Earth that you can put in your mouth more disappointing than saltless popcorn. Now I'll admit, Kosher salt is usually my rock of choice. But in the case of popcorn, I find that the mere microscopic granules of popcorn salt, or pickling salt, are better at adhering to the nooks and crannies of the popcorn during the pop process. So, do we need to buy some? No, we never buy what we can make.

The average American consumes 63 quarts of popcorn a year.

SCENE 10
The Kitchen

    One cup of Kosher salt goes into our food processor. And I think about 10 three-second pulses should perfectly smash this, or pulverize it rather, into the correct consistency. It's important that you don't just let the machine run because the salt would act too much like a fluid. We want to really pulverize it. How many is that? That's got to be ten. Okay. There'll be a lot of powder; be careful. And just get that out onto a flexible mat. It'll make it easier for delivery later. There we go.
    Now as far as vessels go, I am a big fan of snap-on perforated lids. Snapping on is a lot easier than screwing on. I like this particular model, because it comes with several different top options, but we'll stick with the small one for this. So, we load thusly.
    Now a lot of folks like to put rice inside finely granulated salt in order to keep it from clumping because of humidity. The truth is, the rice doesn't actually absorb any of the humidity. If it did, you'd be able to cook a pot of rice just by setting it out in the rainforest for a couple of days. What it really does is provide physical agitation. The problem with rice is, as it breaks and cracks, it can actually jam up the little holes. So, I say skip the rice altogether and use a little bit of [raw] popcorn, which I've got plenty of here. We'll take about a teaspoon, add to the salt, give it a shake, and we are good to go.

    Place a piece of aluminum foil on top of the bowl, and now punch a few holes in that to let steam out. Believe it or not, it'll make a huge difference. Medium flame goes on, grab yourself a pair of tongs, and get to shaking. Now this is what I call "dancing the popcorn dance". Forty-five seconds to a minute will go by and nothing is going to happen. It doesn't matter if you're cooking on gas or electric/ That's just the way it is. But it is important that you keep the vessel in motion so that the heat can evenly build around the kernels. Don't worry, your patience will be rewarded.
    Now when it sounds like the popping is just beginning to subside, pick up the pace on the shaking. That'll keep the popped pieces from burning, and help the few remaining kernels to get the heat that they so badly need.
    Now, just smell those pyrazines, phenols, pyrroles, carbanols, and furans. Oh, you can't smell them, can you? I'm sorry. But trust me, the aroma is distinct and divine. It is also fleeting, which is why you cannot get this out of a bag of pre-popped popcorn, okay?

    [AB is watching television] Well, if you ask me, there's not a show on earth that isn't improved with a good, big bowl of popcorn, including this one.

    Other possibilities: your favorite spice or pepper rub. You could squirt on a little vinegar. Sky's the limit. Oh, and if you like the candied stuff that they talk about in that song, "Take Me Out to the Ballgame", you know? The one with the prize in the box? Not a problem.
    On the cook top side, the hardware will include a medium saucepan, a candy or frying thermometer, and a heat-proof spatula of some type. On the countertop side you will require the services of one half-sheet pan, one piece of parchment paper, cut to fit. You are also going to need some no-stick spray both on the pan and, once the paper is down, on top of that, too. This is sticky stuff, kids. There. Last, but not least, one very large stainless steel bowl. Now, software on the counter side ...

Cracker Jack was invented by F.W. & Louis Ruekhelm in 1893.
The prize was added in 1912.

SCENE 11
The Kitchen

    At this point, the syrup should be cool enough to where you can just kind of use your hands and spread everything out until it is good and even. There. Now, to the oven!
    [AB slips a little on the floor] Ohh, ummph, wait ... I guess I ought to clean up that no-stick spray. Anyway, slide this into the oven for one hour. This low temperature will drive away a good bit of the moisture, leaving us with a nice, crisp candy. Whoa [slips and falls].
 

SCENE 12
The Kitchen

    Now if I pop corn at night, I always save some for breakfast. First, the corn. Obviously, lightly salted but otherwise unflavored would be best. Then, either whole milk or, if you're feeling extravagant, half-and-half. Sprinkle with a bit of sugar and dig right in. Hah hah hah hah hah. Now that is all natural corny goodness for just a penny a bowl. As for health concerns, well ...

SCENE 13
Movie Theater

GUESTS: Three Doctors

...  just ask these doctors what they think. [looks at the doctors who are busy watching the movie and eating their popcorn]
    Okay, I'll help. Popcorn is high in fiber which we all know is a good thing. Dentists dig it because it is a sugarless snack. And although pediatricians warn against serving popcorn to toddlers because of potential choking hazards, they do like home-popped corn for older kids because it doesn't contain additives, dyes, preservatives, or other, you know, stuff. Microwaved and butter-flavored movie popcorn could possibly be another story, so pop your own. It's good, it's good for you, and it's more fun than a barrel full of MDs.

DOCTORS: [in unison] Shhhh.

    See you next time, on "Good Eats".

SCENE 14
Outtake - The Backyard

GUESTS: Crew members

AB: [from underneath a giant model of a popped kernel] And, cut.
DIRECTOR: [off camera] Alright, everybody, that's half an hour for lunch.

[crew members walk by, leaving AB stuck under the kernel]

AB: What? Yeah, that's fun. Hey. Wha ...  Hey, Brad, man, help. Gimme a ...
CM: [snickers]
AB: Oh, come on!

Transcribed by Michael Roberts
Proofread by Michael Menninger

Last Edited on 08/27/2010