The Quotes

Here's some real gems!

   Now, our fifth element is crucial. Although it has no exact proportion, it is the spice.

H: He who controls the spice, controls the universe.
AB: Hawkins, you really do need to lay off the sci-fi.
H: [to us] The spice must flow.
AB: Stop it.

Feeling Punchy

Alton Brown: Now my wife may think she's locked me out
     of the kitchen but MacGyver's not my patron saint for

Where There's Smoke, There's Fish

Alton Brown: When proteins get hot they tend to tangle
     up tighter than teenagers at a dance. And when they
     bond up tight enough, they over coagulate. And when
     they over coagulate, they can curdle. And any cook or
     parent will tell you that leads to trouble.

Good Milk Gone Bad

Alton Brown:
    Stand there. There are a lot of features in today's
    toasters. But if you're really shopping for one, there are
    a few things you definitely want to look for. For
    instance, see this? That's a cancel button in case you
    change your mind. You just hit that, it's all over with.
    Uh, I like to have a defrost feature, you know, for
    frozen foods, frozen waffles, things like that. Oh, a
    cool-touch chassis so it won't heat up even after
    repeated toastings. Oh, a good set of ejectors is nice.
    And a place to coil up ... I got it, Paul ... a place to coil
    up the extra cord on the bottom. And most of all, you
    want to have at least 6 to 7 browning settings.
Paul Merchant:
I made this one. It goes to 11.
Blair McGuffin:
Why not just make 10 higher?
PM: But, it goes to 11.
AB: Okay, hey, hey. You know what? Time out, Paul. Time

Behind The Bird

Alton Brown: That dingo ate my belly.

Scrap Iron Chef

Alton Brown: Slicing a warm slab of bacon is a lot like
    giving a ferret a shave. No matter how careful you are,
    somebody's going to get hurt.

Scrap Iron Chef

Alton Brown: Now, wet stuff does not like sticking to
    other wet ... stuff. It's one of those universal axioms
    that keeps the galaxy from ripping itself to shred and
    dissolving into the void.
Marsha Brown: That's funny. I could have sworn that was
AB: That's one of them, too.

Fry Hard

[speaking on coffee]

AB: That's what I wanted to hear. All right, we've got a lot
    of grounds to cover not a whole lot of time.

True Brew

[speaking of boiling temperatures]
Daniel Stillman: And on Mount Everest it's 156° Fahrenheit.
Alton Brown: 156?  Wow, it must be tough to get a hard
    boiled egg on Everest.
Mountain Climber: Yeah, but at that temperature you can
    reach right in and grab it.
AB: Reach right in and grab it?  Oh, like Daryl Hannah did
    in Blade Runner.
DS: She was a replicant. It didn't count!
AB: You got beat up a lot in school, didn't you?

Urban Preservation I: Jam Session

AB: Now really last but not least, two smashed and
    chopped cloves of garlic. Now, why garlic?  Hey,
    garlic don't need no reason.

Pork Fiction

AB: Candy making is basically the manipulation of sucrose
    by heat. Um, taffy, jawbreakers, fudge, divinity,
    butterscotch are all made possible by the fact that
    between 230 and 350 degrees plain old table sugar,
    sucrose, goes through more changes than a teenager
    during prom week.

Citizen Cane

AB: For those of you who might have grown up in the city,
    these are cattle.

Steak Your Claim

Alton Brown: You like my drawing?  You like my cow
Mel Coleman: Yeah, that's a pretty good square cow.
AB: Would a steer have a nose ring ...
MC: Uh, ...
AB: ... these days?
MC: Not on our ranch, no.
AB: Uh, not on your ranch, no. Not on mine either.
MC: Now, these are antennas I guess. [points to horns]
AB: Uh, yeah. Those are antennas, Mel.
MC: AM and FM.
AB: Um, thanks a lot, Mel. That makes me feel great.

Steak Your Claim

[in reference to thermometers]
Alton Brown: Heh, good for steak?
Sally Bernhardt: No, this a candy thermometer.
AB: Okay, how about this little guy?  This looks ...
SB: That's a cappuccino frother thermometer so you don't
    burn the milk in your cappuccino.
AB: You're joking.
SB: No, I'm not.
AB: How have I lived without that all this time?

Steak Your Claim

AB: Now, medium starch potatoes do look kind of like
    Russets but they always have [a] lighter kind of thinner
    skin. Now, varieties like this Yukon Gold, Kennebecs,
    Superiors or, say, these California Longs are for some
    reason always marketed as white. Racism. It's ugly. Even
    in tubers.

This Spud's For You

AB: "The chicken," it's been said, "is just an eggs way of
    making more eggs."  And, since she can grind out 1 about
    every 25 hours the female Gallous here could be
    considered an egg factory, no rooster necessary. And
    since she's a cumulative layer as along as someone keeps
    taking them, she'll keep making them, 365 days a year,
    no Lamaze, no epidural. Now that's dedication!

The Egg-Files

AB: Like the hat?

The Egg-Files

Pantry Raid IV:
Comb Alone

Chops Ahoy

[on cooking pilaf]
AB: See, there's still a lot of heat in there. That rice is still
    cooking. You open that lid now, whew, that rice will
    miss it's one shot at all it can be and believe me, a grain
    is a terrible thing to waste.

Power To The Pilaf

AB: [handing an apple to a doctor] Here you go. This
    should keep you away from yourself for at least a day.
    How do you like them apples?

Apple Family Values

AB: But, consider this:  if you're capable of converting a
    common crimini into truly good eats just think of what
    you'll be able to do the next time you see a porchini
    pop up in your yard ... supermarket, pop up in your
    supermarket. That's what I meant to say.

The Fungal Gourmet

Paul Merchant: Yeah. Today's new generation of toasters,
    uh, utilizes ...
Alton Brown: Keep calm, keep calm.
PM: ... quartz technology. Uh, they have heating bars,
    they have micro-coils, uh, sensors. They can think for
AB: Yeah, well.
SM: I thought toasters had two slots.
PM: Uh, but the single slot is far more flexible. You can
    toast up to three bagels, a large slice of rye, ...
AB: Keep calm.
PM: ... pita halves, pound cake, waffles, [getting more
    excited] flounder, even ...
AB: Okay, okay, okay. Just stand here a second.

Behind the Bird

Alton Brown: Mom, where did you get a helicopter?
Mrs. Brown: It's Emeril's. I called him. He's the nicest guy.
  AB: Emeril has a helicopter.
MRS: A V-22 Osprey.
  AB: [sigh]

Behind the Bird

[on converting sugar to caramel]
Alton Brown: Now pushing sugar to the limit doesn’t take
    much skill. But nerves of steel are a plus, because
    basically you’re playing chicken with the sugar. You
    see, you want it dark, really dark cause that’s where
    the roasty, toasty flavors are. But things are moving so
    fast now that if you answer the phone, yell at the dog,
    see who’s at the door, stop to take a picture of that
    UFO or brush that tarantula from your shoulder you
    could end up with a pan load of carbon.
         Now it’s getting darker. Darker. But wait. Wait.
    Don’t look at the UFO. [UFO flies by]  Wait. Then the
    instance you see wisps of smoke coming from the
    surface of the pot you go to action. Removing it from
    the heat and at arms length dumping in your cream.
    Whew. What a rush.

Citizen Cane

[discussing butter oxidizing]
Alton Brown: Exactly. The butterfat reacts with the
    oxygen either from the air or in the water inside the
    butter itself to create butyric acid. That leads to
    rancidity and rancidity and tastes like ...
Judge Eato: Yak back.
AB: Old, wet Yak back to be exact.

The Case For Butter

Judge Eato: What exactly is this shallot?
Alton Brown: Well structurally it's like, well, imagine if
    an onion and head of garlic got together and got
    married and had a kid.
JE: Is that legal?

The Case For Butter

Alton Brown: Now follow this with three tablespoons of
    assorted fresh herbs. I like thyme, rosemary and sage.
Judge Eato: I just love that song.
AB: That's nice.

The Case For Butter

AB: As far as the fire?  Ah, forget about it. It's going to go
    out. That's what fires do.

Grill Seekers

AB: Hey, what's up, Chuck?
  C: Yo, Mr. Brown. This is the pot roast aisle, right?
AB: Well, there's not really a pot roast aisle per se ...
  C: Well, 'cuase it's Thursday night and Thursday night is
      pot roast night at mom's. She usually make's it
      Thursday nights.
AB: Why isn't she making it tonight?
  C: She's gone. Mom's gone.
AB: Oh, man. I ... Chuck, I didn't know. Was it her ticker?
  C: Branson, Missouri.
AB: Oh, she ditched you for Tony Orlando. That's harsh.
  C: Yeah. And on pot roast night, too.
AB: Whof. Tie a yellow ribbon around that.

A Chuck for Chuck

AB: Ahh. Okay. So would you say that eating honey is
      about as close as you can get to eating flowers?
MS: Well, I mean there are plenty of flowers that we can
      eat. Over here, for instance, this is actually one that
      I typically like to eat on the weekends...
AB: Gee. Too bad we don't have time for that. Uh, gotta
       run and hive.

Pantry Raid IV:
Comb Alone

Alton Brown: Well, no not really. Look, I understand that
    that's protein to feed the hive but tell me. Where's the
    nectar that you've been gathering on all your flights?
Bee #1: [spits out nectar through tube in mouth]
 AB: Eeh. I thought only supermodels did that kind of

Pantry Raid IV:
Comb Alone

AB: So on one hand, honey is an amazingly sophisticated
    and efficient food source. On the other hand it's bee

Pantry Raid IV:
Comb Alone

[At the Franco-Mart]
AB: Okay. I'll take the baret for sure. I gotta have that
    barrette. And, um, that pillow, that "I'd rather be in
    Paris" pillow. Oh, yeah. That's nice. Um, the Jerry
    Lewis box set and, uh, oh is that a French for Stupid
    American Cooks? Definitely need one of those. Oh yeah.
    That'll be great. I'll take this bumper sticker and one of
    these, one of these flags. Hey, is that one of this grill
    medallions under there? Yeah, I want one of those for
    my ... and a key chain.

Crępe Expectations

[Discussing Crępe Pans]
Shirley Corriher: Have you tried other pans?
Alton Brown: But Shirley, I've tried every pan in the joint.
SC: Did you try a crępe pan?
AB: I don't have a crępe pan. Do I need one?
SC: Are you making crępes?
AB: I'm trying to.
SC: Bingo. Alton, honey, I gotta to go. I've got another
      chef on the other line and he's already taking off his

Crępe Expectations

Alton Brown: Of course, uh, peak performance is
    predicated on proper pan preparation.

The Trouble With Cheesecake

Alton Brown: Don't thank me, Chuck. I'm only here
    because a bet's a bet.
Patty: Ha. I guess you didn't know about Chucky being
    National Junior Wacky Golf Champion four years running.
AB: No. I regrettably let my Wacky Golf Weekly expire.

Squid Pro Quo

Ned: I found Patty's camera but no Patty.
Chuck: You don't think ...
Alton Brown: Oh, don't worry, Chuck. I'm positive she did
      not get taken up by giant squid-man.
  C: How do you know that?
AB: Well, because I saw her walking with Aqua Man just
      down the beach. [laughs]

Squid Pro Quo

  Patty: Hi, boys. Any luck?
 huck: Patty Cake? Oh, woowoooo.
        P: This is Rrrrronco. He saved me.
Ronco: She fell from the ...
        P: ... the, the, levy.
        R: ... and my boat was near by.
        P: What luck. Heh.
        N: Did you see him?
        P: Who?
        N: Him! Giant squid-man.
        P: Oh, that's just a silly old legend.
        C: How come your shoes are dry then?
        P: Oh ... I'm famished.
        R: I have a case of crabs to deliver.

Squid Pro Quo

Alton Brown: Wow. Look at that tight pattern. That's
    really beautiful. You know, uh, being ambisinister I think
    I'll opt for the more neoteric of the, uh, quintuplet. And
    although I delectate in discommoding you, I will tarry
    here no longer. As always, you have been

Art of Darkness II

Alton Brown: There are all of these warnings and
    incantations and unnatural rituals and everything's veiled
    in this threat of "you mess with the mayo, the mayo
    mess with you, man."

Mayo Clinic

(speaking of frying potatoes)
Alton Brown: So, after two to three minutes and 375° oil
     what was once limp and pallid is now crisp and golden
     brown (I've always wanted to say that.)

Fry Hard

Alton Brown: Pizza dough gets its rise from the gas
     produced by billions and billions of unicellular fungi
     called ' yeast' that chomp down on the sugar in
     flour-based doughs. Have a look. They are real pigs.
     And once there little feeding frenzy is over ...
Yeast: [belching sounds]
    ... that's right. Yeast belch makes bread rise.

Flat Is Beautiful

Alton Brown: Perhaps it's the griddle. Ah, yes. That wide
      open plane of inch thick, high carbon steel. It's dense
      so it heats evenly and cooks evenly. There's plenty of
      room to flip things around on there. And, hey, it's as
      slick as the back seat in Shaft's El Dorado.

Flap Jack Do It Again

Alton Brown: Of course, we're not going to have any
      more fresh ingredients because we're all out of hand

Down and Out
in Paradise

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Common Sayings to Many an Episode.
Can you think of  anymore?

" ... but that's another show."
" ... now the secret to _________, and I'm not saying there is one ..."
" ... we're dealing with a culinary ticking time bomb."
" ... makes great refrigerator Velcro."
" I have told you time and time again that I'm not a nutritional anthropologist."
" ... is a great / has got to / love / appreciate a multi-task(er)."
" ... and it will bring a lot of _________ to the party."
" ... do it's Voodoo."
" ... but that's okay."
"Now, wash those (insert meat here) hands."   [see below]
"Oh bother."
" ... works and plays well with others ..."
" ... the rest of the hardware ...", " ... now, the software ..."
" ... other worldly ..."
" ... gets/catching the funk ..."
" ... put the spurs to her/it ..."
"Thank you, Thing."
"Your patience will be rewarded."

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1 Wash these nasty chicken hands. A Bird In The Pan
2 Wash those turkey hands. Romancing The Bird
3 Wash those porky hands. Pork Fiction
4 Wash those fishy hands. Where There's Smoke There's Fish
5 I'd better wash those charcoal-ly hands. The Other Red Meat
6 Wash those beety hands. Beet It
7 Wash those lamby hands. Fruit Ten From Outer Space
8 Wash these engine-y hands There Will Be Oil
9 Wash those oystery hands 'Twas The Night Before Good Eats

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Last Edited on 08/27/2010