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The Quotes

Here's some real gems!
Now, our fifth element is crucial. Although it has no exact proportion, it is the spice. H: He who controls the spice, controls the universe. AB: Hawkins, you really do need to lay off the sci-fi. H: [to us] The spice must flow. AB: Stop it.	Feeling Punchy
Alton Brown: Now my wife may think she's locked me out of the kitchen but MacGyver's not my patron saint for nothing.	Where There's Smoke, There's Fish
Alton Brown: When proteins get hot they tend to tangle up tighter than teenagers at a dance. And when they bond up tight enough, they over coagulate. And when they over coagulate, they can curdle. And any cook or parent will tell you that leads to trouble.	Good Milk Gone Bad
Alton Brown: Stand there. There are a lot of features in today's toasters. But if you're really shopping for one, there are a few things you definitely want to look for. For instance, see this? That's a cancel button in case you change your mind. You just hit that, it's all over with. Uh, I like to have a defrost feature, you know, for frozen foods, frozen waffles, things like that. Oh, a cool-touch chassis so it won't heat up even after repeated toastings. Oh, a good set of ejectors is nice. And a place to coil up ... I got it, Paul ... a place to coil up the extra cord on the bottom. And most of all, you want to have at least 6 to 7 browning settings. Paul Merchant: I made this one. It goes to 11. Blair McGuffin: Why not just make 10 higher? PM: But, it goes to 11. AB: Okay, hey, hey. You know what? Time out, Paul. Time out.	Behind The Bird
Alton Brown: That dingo ate my belly.	Scrap Iron Chef
Alton Brown: Slicing a warm slab of bacon is a lot like giving a ferret a shave. No matter how careful you are, somebody's going to get hurt.	Scrap Iron Chef
Alton Brown: Now, wet stuff does not like sticking to other wet ... stuff. It's one of those universal axioms that keeps the galaxy from ripping itself to shred and dissolving into the void. Marsha Brown: That's funny. I could have sworn that was gravity. AB: That's one of them, too.	Fry Hard
[speaking on coffee] AB: That's what I wanted to hear. All right, we've got a lot of grounds to cover not a whole lot of time.	True Brew
[speaking of boiling temperatures] Daniel Stillman: And on Mount Everest it's 156° Fahrenheit. Alton Brown: 156? Wow, it must be tough to get a hard boiled egg on Everest. Mountain Climber: Yeah, but at that temperature you can reach right in and grab it. AB: Reach right in and grab it? Oh, like Daryl Hannah did in Blade Runner. DS: She was a replicant. It didn't count! AB: You got beat up a lot in school, didn't you?	Urban Preservation I: Jam Session
AB: Now really last but not least, two smashed and chopped cloves of garlic. Now, why garlic? Hey, garlic don't need no reason.	Pork Fiction
AB: Candy making is basically the manipulation of sucrose by heat. Um, taffy, jawbreakers, fudge, divinity, butterscotch are all made possible by the fact that between 230 and 350 degrees plain old table sugar, sucrose, goes through more changes than a teenager during prom week.	Citizen Cane
AB: For those of you who might have grown up in the city, these are cattle.	Steak Your Claim
Alton Brown: You like my drawing? You like my cow drawing? Mel Coleman: Yeah, that's a pretty good square cow. AB: Would a steer have a nose ring ... MC: Uh, ... AB: ... these days? MC: Not on our ranch, no. AB: Uh, not on your ranch, no. Not on mine either. MC: Now, these are antennas I guess. [points to horns] AB: Uh, yeah. Those are antennas, Mel. MC: AM and FM. AB: Um, thanks a lot, Mel. That makes me feel great.	Steak Your Claim
[in reference to thermometers] Alton Brown: Heh, good for steak? Sally Bernhardt: No, this a candy thermometer. AB: Okay, how about this little guy? This looks ... SB: That's a cappuccino frother thermometer so you don't burn the milk in your cappuccino. AB: You're joking. SB: No, I'm not. AB: How have I lived without that all this time?	Steak Your Claim
AB: Now, medium starch potatoes do look kind of like Russets but they always have [a] lighter kind of thinner skin. Now, varieties like this Yukon Gold, Kennebecs, Superiors or, say, these California Longs are for some reason always marketed as white. Racism. It's ugly. Even in tubers.	This Spud's For You
AB: "The chicken," it's been said, "is just an eggs way of making more eggs." And, since she can grind out 1 about every 25 hours the female Gallous here could be considered an egg factory, no rooster necessary. And since she's a cumulative layer as along as someone keeps taking them, she'll keep making them, 365 days a year, no Lamaze, no epidural. Now that's dedication!	The Egg-Files
AB: Like the hat?	The Egg-Files Pantry Raid IV: Comb Alone Chops Ahoy
[on cooking pilaf] AB: See, there's still a lot of heat in there. That rice is still cooking. You open that lid now, whew, that rice will miss it's one shot at all it can be and believe me, a grain is a terrible thing to waste.	Power To The Pilaf
AB: [handing an apple to a doctor] Here you go. This should keep you away from yourself for at least a day. How do you like them apples?	Apple Family Values
AB: But, consider this: if you're capable of converting a common crimini into truly good eats just think of what you'll be able to do the next time you see a porchini pop up in your yard ... supermarket, pop up in your supermarket. That's what I meant to say.	The Fungal Gourmet
Paul Merchant: Yeah. Today's new generation of toasters, uh, utilizes ... Alton Brown: Keep calm, keep calm. PM: ... quartz technology. Uh, they have heating bars, they have micro-coils, uh, sensors. They can think for themselves. AB: Yeah, well. SM: I thought toasters had two slots. PM: Uh, but the single slot is far more flexible. You can toast up to three bagels, a large slice of rye, ... AB: Keep calm. PM: ... pita halves, pound cake, waffles, [getting more excited] flounder, even ... AB: Okay, okay, okay. Just stand here a second.	Behind the Bird
Alton Brown: Mom, where did you get a helicopter? Mrs. Brown: It's Emeril's. I called him. He's the nicest guy. AB: Emeril has a helicopter. MRS: A V-22 Osprey. AB: [sigh]	Behind the Bird
[on converting sugar to caramel] Alton Brown: Now pushing sugar to the limit doesn’t take much skill. But nerves of steel are a plus, because basically you’re playing chicken with the sugar. You see, you want it dark, really dark cause that’s where the roasty, toasty flavors are. But things are moving so fast now that if you answer the phone, yell at the dog, see who’s at the door, stop to take a picture of that UFO or brush that tarantula from your shoulder you could end up with a pan load of carbon. Now it’s getting darker. Darker. But wait. Wait. Don’t look at the UFO. [UFO flies by] Wait. Then the instance you see wisps of smoke coming from the surface of the pot you go to action. Removing it from the heat and at arms length dumping in your cream. Whew. What a rush.	Citizen Cane
[discussing butter oxidizing] Alton Brown: Exactly. The butterfat reacts with the oxygen either from the air or in the water inside the butter itself to create butyric acid. That leads to rancidity and rancidity and tastes like ... Judge Eato: Yak back. AB: Old, wet Yak back to be exact.	The Case For Butter
Judge Eato: What exactly is this shallot? Alton Brown: Well structurally it's like, well, imagine if an onion and head of garlic got together and got married and had a kid. JE: Is that legal?	The Case For Butter
Alton Brown: Now follow this with three tablespoons of assorted fresh herbs. I like thyme, rosemary and sage. Judge Eato: I just love that song. AB: That's nice.	The Case For Butter
AB: As far as the fire? Ah, forget about it. It's going to go out. That's what fires do.	Grill Seekers
AB: Hey, what's up, Chuck? C: Yo, Mr. Brown. This is the pot roast aisle, right? AB: Well, there's not really a pot roast aisle per se ... C: Well, 'cuase it's Thursday night and Thursday night is pot roast night at mom's. She usually make's it Thursday nights. AB: Why isn't she making it tonight? C: She's gone. Mom's gone. AB: Oh, man. I ... Chuck, I didn't know. Was it her ticker? C: Branson, Missouri. AB: Oh, she ditched you for Tony Orlando. That's harsh. C: Yeah. And on pot roast night, too. AB: Whof. Tie a yellow ribbon around that.	A Chuck for Chuck
AB: Ahh. Okay. So would you say that eating honey is about as close as you can get to eating flowers? MS: Well, I mean there are plenty of flowers that we can eat. Over here, for instance, this is actually one that I typically like to eat on the weekends... AB: Gee. Too bad we don't have time for that. Uh, gotta run and hive.	Pantry Raid IV: Comb Alone
Alton Brown: Well, no not really. Look, I understand that that's protein to feed the hive but tell me. Where's the nectar that you've been gathering on all your flights? Bee #1: [spits out nectar through tube in mouth] AB: Eeh. I thought only supermodels did that kind of thing.	Pantry Raid IV: Comb Alone
AB: So on one hand, honey is an amazingly sophisticated and efficient food source. On the other hand it's bee backwash.	Pantry Raid IV: Comb Alone
[At the Franco-Mart] AB: Okay. I'll take the baret for sure. I gotta have that barrette. And, um, that pillow, that "I'd rather be in Paris" pillow. Oh, yeah. That's nice. Um, the Jerry Lewis box set and, uh, oh is that a French for Stupid American Cooks? Definitely need one of those. Oh yeah. That'll be great. I'll take this bumper sticker and one of these, one of these flags. Hey, is that one of this grill medallions under there? Yeah, I want one of those for my ... and a key chain.	Crêpe Expectations
[Discussing Crêpe Pans] Shirley Corriher: Have you tried other pans? Alton Brown: But Shirley, I've tried every pan in the joint. SC: Did you try a crêpe pan? AB: I don't have a crêpe pan. Do I need one? SC: Are you making crêpes? AB: I'm trying to. SC: Bingo. Alton, honey, I gotta to go. I've got another chef on the other line and he's already taking off his clothes.	Crêpe Expectations
Alton Brown: Of course, uh, peak performance is predicated on proper pan preparation.	The Trouble With Cheesecake
Alton Brown: Don't thank me, Chuck. I'm only here because a bet's a bet. Patty: Ha. I guess you didn't know about Chucky being National Junior Wacky Golf Champion four years running. AB: No. I regrettably let my Wacky Golf Weekly expire.	Squid Pro Quo
Ned: I found Patty's camera but no Patty. Chuck: You don't think ... Alton Brown: Oh, don't worry, Chuck. I'm positive she did not get taken up by giant squid-man. C: How do you know that? AB: Well, because I saw her walking with Aqua Man just down the beach. [laughs]	Squid Pro Quo
Patty: Hi, boys. Any luck? huck: Patty Cake? Oh, woowoooo. P: This is Rrrrronco. He saved me. Ronco: She fell from the ... P: ... the, the, levy. R: ... and my boat was near by. P: What luck. Heh. N: Did you see him? P: Who? N: Him! Giant squid-man. P: Oh, that's just a silly old legend. C: How come your shoes are dry then? P: Oh ... I'm famished. R: I have a case of crabs to deliver.	Squid Pro Quo
Alton Brown: Wow. Look at that tight pattern. That's really beautiful. You know, uh, being ambisinister I think I'll opt for the more neoteric of the, uh, quintuplet. And although I delectate in discommoding you, I will tarry here no longer. As always, you have been supernumerary.	Art of Darkness II
Alton Brown: There are all of these warnings and incantations and unnatural rituals and everything's veiled in this threat of "you mess with the mayo, the mayo mess with you, man."	Mayo Clinic
(speaking of frying potatoes) Alton Brown: So, after two to three minutes and 375° oil what was once limp and pallid is now crisp and golden brown (I've always wanted to say that.)	Fry Hard
Alton Brown: Pizza dough gets its rise from the gas produced by billions and billions of unicellular fungi called ' yeast' that chomp down on the sugar in flour-based doughs. Have a look. They are real pigs. And once there little feeding frenzy is over ... Yeast: [belching sounds] ... that's right. Yeast belch makes bread rise.	Flat Is Beautiful
Alton Brown: Perhaps it's the griddle. Ah, yes. That wide open plane of inch thick, high carbon steel. It's dense so it heats evenly and cooks evenly. There's plenty of room to flip things around on there. And, hey, it's as slick as the back seat in Shaft's El Dorado.	Flap Jack Do It Again
Alton Brown: Of course, we're not going to have any more fresh ingredients because we're all out of hand grenades.	Down and Out in Paradise

ALTON-ISMs
Common Sayings to Many an Episode.
Can you think of anymore?

" ... but that's another show."

" ... now the secret to _________, and I'm not saying there is one ..."

" ... we're dealing with a culinary ticking time bomb."

" ... makes great refrigerator Velcro."

" I have told you time and time again that I'm not a nutritional anthropologist."

" ... is a great / has got to / love / appreciate a multi-task(er)."

" ... and it will bring a lot of _________ to the party."

" ... do it's Voodoo."

" ... but that's okay."

"Now, wash those (insert meat here) hands." [see below]

"Oh bother."

" ... works and plays well with others ..."

" ... the rest of the hardware ...", " ... now, the software ..."

" ... other worldly ..."

" ... gets/catching the funk ..."

" ... put the spurs to her/it ..."

"Thank you, Thing."

"Your patience will be rewarded."

1	Wash these nasty chicken hands.	A Bird In The Pan
2	Wash those turkey hands.	Romancing The Bird
3	Wash those porky hands.	Pork Fiction
4	Wash those fishy hands.	Where There's Smoke There's Fish
5	I'd better wash those charcoal-ly hands.	The Other Red Meat
6	Wash those beety hands.	Beet It
7	Wash those lamby hands.	Fruit Ten From Outer Space
8	Wash these engine-y hands	There Will Be Oil
9	Wash those oystery hands	'Twas The Night Before Good Eats

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Last Edited on 08/27/2010

ALTON-ISMs Common Sayings to Many an Episode. Can you think of anymore?

ALTON-ISMs
Common Sayings to Many an Episode.
Can you think of anymore?