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60 Facts About Alton Brown

This list came from Charlie Hatton's blog, Where The Hell Was I?
The threads in which he made there are here and here.
(Copied Here with Permission)

1. Alton Brown grinds his own peppercorns ... with his teeth.
2. Alton Brown's chili cheese fries are healthier than raw carrots ... even after he adds the bacon and lard.
3. Alton Brown brushes his teeth with wasabi and gargles with pickle brine; but still his breath smells like lemon meringue.
4. Alton Brown can boil a three-minute egg in thirty-seven seconds.
5. When Alton Brown was born, he collected the hospital slop they'd left for his mother and made it into an zesty, appetizing goulash. The dish fed the entire maternity ward for a week.
6. In the first, as-yet-unaired episode of Iron Chef America, Alton Brown single-handedly defeated an all-star team of Bobby Flay, Cat Cora, and Hiroyuki Sakai. The secret ingredient was 'whimsy'.
7. Alton Brown doesn't reduce sauces, he demoralizes sauces.
8. Alton Brown prepares his fugu blindfolded, with one chopstick and a plastic spork. Alton Brown ain't afraid of no chump neurotoxin.
9. Alton Brown's blender has four speeds: stir, mix, frappe, and 'plasmify'.
10. Alton Brown can split a pineapple in half using only his pinkies. For coconuts, though, he has to use his thumbs.

11. Alton Brown knows where capers come from, and he grows his own on a Chia pet in the pantry.
12. On Rachel Ray's show, she shows people where to eat for less than forty dollars a day. When Alton Brown eats, people pay him.


5 Slices of Alton Brown's Ham
Magnified 600 Times

13. Alton Brown slices ham so thin, it can only be seen using an electron microscope.
14. Some knives can slice through a tin can and still cut a tomato. Alton Brown's knives can slice through a Pontiac and still cut a tin can.
15. Grown men have been known to weep for joy in the mere presence of Alton Brown's vinaigrette. His hollandaise sauce can kill a man from sheer ecstasy at forty paces.
16. Alton Brown can eat just one Lay's potato chip ... if he ever bothered to eat food he didn't make himself, that is.
17. Alton Brown once got carried away slicing carrots and julienned his cutting board. Undaunted, he sautéed the splinters in olive oil and spices (and they were delicious).
18. Every Burger King Alton Brown has walked into has immediately closed forever. Try as they might, they simply can't 'do it his way'.
19. Alton Brown can pair a wine with any food including hot dogs, ice cream, raw eggs, Alpo, sawdust, and soylent green (it's people!)
20. Alton Brown's cakes don't rise. They ascend.

21. Some meats are so tender, they seem to melt in your mouth. Alton Brown's meats are so tender, he's had entire turkeys vanish into thin air.
22. Alton Brown's no saint. But if his chicken Kiev cures one more kid's leprosy, the church will reconsider the evidence.
23. Alton Brown doesn't whip potatoes. Alton Brown's potatoes whip themselves, if they know what's good for them.
24. Alton Brown's other car is the Wienermobile.
25. Alton Brown's show is called 'Good Eats' because Multiple Shuddering Mouthgasms didn't play with the network's target demographic.
26. Alton Brown's freezer operates at minus-twenty-seven degrees ... Kelvin.
27. Alton Brown once prepared shrimp gumbo for a cooking competition, using only water, salt, canned Spam, and a packet of Arby's 'Horsey Sauce'. He took second place. He would have won, but one of the judges was allergic to shellfish.
28. Alton Brown can fit three hundred and forty-two cookies on a standard-sized baking sheet ... without any touching.
29. When Alton Brown slices onions, the onions cry.
30. Alton Brown was once asked to participate in a blind orange juice taste test. He was the only person able to successfully identify the brand, style, vintage, temperature, pH level, distance to the orchard, age of the grove trees, and the names of the workers picking the fruit ... including the one who needs to start washing after bathroom breaks.

31. Your grandmother may make biscuits that taste light and airy. Alton Brown's biscuits have to be tethered, or they float right up the chimney.
32. Too many cooks spoil the soup. Unless one of those cooks is named Alton Brown.
33. Alton Brown ran a lemonade stand as a child, just like the rest of us. But Alton Brown's lemonade was so delicious, he bought his house with the profits.
34. Some salsas are so thick, a tortilla chip may break off when dipping. Alton Brown's salsa has been known to trap entire herds of wild deer.
35. Alton Brown grows truffles in his back yard. And at harvest time, he sniffs them out himself.
36. In Alton Brown's fridge, the open boxes of baking soda aren't thrown out when they're through absorbing odors. They go straight to the Louvre.
37. Like any trained chef, Alton Brown can make any of the five 'mother sauces'. But Alton Brown also makes father sauce, grandmother sauce, and great-uncle-twice-removed sauce.
38. Alton Brown's oven is a Hotternell.
39. Legend has it that a school of piranha can strip the meat from a full-grown cow in sixty seconds. Alton Brown can do it in thirty -- and wrap the cuts in butcher's paper, to boot.
40. Alton Brown's fudge brownies aren't simply dark and rich. Alton Brown's fudge brownies actually exert a mild gravitational pull.

41. Gordon Ramsay calls Alton Brown 'sir'.
42. Alton Brown was once pulled over by a traffic cop who asked to see his driver's license. Though he had forgotten his wallet, Alton Brown proved his identity on the spot by preparing a delicious Stromboli using only the beef jerky, ketchup packets and stale doughnut scraps found in the officer's car. Needless to say, Alton Brown was not given a ticket that day.
43. To most people, 'a pinch of salt' is an approximate measure. To Alton Brown, a pinch of salt equals three hundred and twenty-four grains, exactly. And he can grab them, even blindfolded, every time.
44. Alton Brown doesn't need to brush. Alton Brown's teeth are coated with Teflon.
45. Cervantes famously said: 'Hunger is the best sauce in the world'. Cervantes clearly never tasted Alton Brown's remoulade.
46. Alton Brown doesn't use deodorant. Alton Brown brushes down with olive oil.
47. Some chefs can sculpt fancy swans out of foil to hold their diners' leftovers. Alton Brown's diners never have leftovers.
48. Alton Brown scrambles eggs into their individual component atoms. And can still make them into a tasty omelet.
49. Most soufflés collapse if you breathe too loudly near them. Alton Brown's soufflés are guaranteed fall-proof, up to 8.6 on the Richter scale.
50. Alton Brown's kitchen timer is an atomic clock. It's set to GMT (Gumsmacking Morsel Time).

51. You or I might cream leeks until they're tender. Alton Brown creams leeks until they say they're sorry.
52. Alton Brown once carved a rose garnish from a radish peel so lifelike, neighborhood bees tried to pollinate it. He planted and watered it, and now Alton Brown has a whole rose garnish garden in his back yard.
53. Some desserts are so tasty, they come with extra spoons. Alton Brown's desserts are so decadent, he cannot legally serve them without defibrillator paddles for every person within a three-mile radius.
54. Alton Brown owns the fastest mixer in existence. When he runs it in reverse, time flows backwards.
55. The Eskimos have fifty words for 'snow'. Alton Brown has fifty words for 'kosher salt'.
56. Alton Brown's egg slicer can cut through cue balls, too. And when he's done seasoning them, diners can't tell the difference.
57. Most chefs are happy when they've beaten egg whites into 'stiff peaks'. Alton Brown isn't satisfied until his egg whites can support a watermelon.
58. Alton Brown doesn't bother buying elbow macaroni. Alton Brown buys mezzani, and bends it with his will alone.
59. The sweat from Alton Brown's brow registers 30,000 units on the Scoville scale.
60. Alton Brown once attended a charity ball where a prize was awarded for the best donation. Though he showed up seemingly empty-handed, he won the prize, anyway. Because Alton Brown brought flavor to the party.

Here are some captions Charlie and I came up with.
 


 

He came.
He saw.
He cooked his ass off.

 
When Alton gets sick,
he breaks out in recipes.

 
Alton has been cooking so long,
he regularly has his fingers and nails retooled into Shun Knives.

 
Some people play with their food.
Alton Brown 
waltzes with his.
Emeril created Emeril's Essence Spices.
Alton created Alton's Essential Elements.

or

Alton's recipes are so exotic, he had to
create his own periodic table just to
describe them to mere mortals.

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Last Edited: 08/27/2010