1. Alton Brown grinds his own
peppercorns ... with his teeth.
Alton Brown's chili cheese fries are healthier than raw carrots ... even after
he adds the bacon and lard.
3. Alton Brown brushes his teeth with wasabi and gargles with pickle brine; but
still his breath smells like lemon meringue.
4. Alton Brown can boil a three-minute egg in thirty-seven seconds.
5. When Alton Brown was born, he collected the hospital slop they'd left for his
mother and made it into an zesty, appetizing goulash. The dish fed the entire
maternity ward for a week.
6. In the first, as-yet-unaired episode of Iron Chef America, Alton Brown
single-handedly defeated an all-star team of Bobby Flay, Cat Cora, and Hiroyuki
Sakai. The secret ingredient was 'whimsy'.
7. Alton Brown doesn't reduce sauces, he demoralizes sauces.
Alton Brown prepares his fugu blindfolded, with one chopstick and a plastic
spork. Alton Brown ain't afraid of no chump neurotoxin.
9. Alton Brown's blender has four speeds: stir, mix, frappe, and 'plasmify'.
10. Alton Brown can split a pineapple in half using only his pinkies. For
coconuts, though, he has to use his thumbs.
11. Alton Brown knows where capers come from, and he grows his own on a Chia pet
in the pantry.
12. On Rachel Ray's show, she shows people where to eat for less than forty
dollars a day. When Alton Brown eats, people pay him.
5 Slices of Alton Brown's Ham
Magnified 600 Times
13. Alton Brown slices ham so thin, it
can only be seen using an electron microscope.
14. Some knives can slice through a
tin can and still cut a tomato. Alton Brown's knives can slice through a Pontiac
and still cut a tin can.
15. Grown men have been known to weep
for joy in the mere presence of Alton Brown's vinaigrette. His hollandaise sauce
can kill a man from sheer ecstasy at forty paces.
16. Alton Brown can eat just one Lay's
potato chip ... if he ever bothered to eat food he didn't make himself, that is.
17. Alton Brown once got carried away
slicing carrots and julienned his cutting board. Undaunted, he sautéed the
splinters in olive oil and spices (and they were delicious).
Burger King Alton Brown has walked into has immediately closed forever. Try as
they might, they simply can't 'do it his way'.
19. Alton Brown can pair a wine with
any food including hot dogs, ice cream, raw eggs, Alpo, sawdust, and soylent
green (it's people!)
20. Alton Brown's cakes don't rise.
21. Some meats are so tender, they
seem to melt in your mouth. Alton Brown's meats are so tender, he's had entire
turkeys vanish into thin air.
22. Alton Brown's no saint. But if his
chicken Kiev cures one more kid's leprosy, the church will reconsider the
23. Alton Brown doesn't whip potatoes.
Alton Brown's potatoes whip themselves, if they know what's good for them.
Brown's other car is the Wienermobile.
25. Alton Brown's show is called 'Good
Eats' because Multiple Shuddering Mouthgasms didn't play with the network's
26. Alton Brown's freezer operates at
minus-twenty-seven degrees ... Kelvin.
27. Alton Brown once prepared shrimp
gumbo for a cooking competition, using only water, salt, canned Spam, and a
packet of Arby's 'Horsey Sauce'. He took second place. He would have won, but
one of the judges was allergic to shellfish.
28. Alton Brown can fit three hundred
and forty-two cookies on a standard-sized baking sheet ... without any touching.
29. When Alton Brown slices onions,
the onions cry.
Brown was once asked to participate in a blind orange juice taste test. He was
the only person able to successfully identify the brand, style, vintage,
temperature, pH level, distance to the orchard, age of the grove trees, and the
names of the workers picking the fruit ... including the one who needs to start
washing after bathroom breaks.
31. Your grandmother may make biscuits
that taste light and airy. Alton Brown's biscuits have to be tethered, or they
float right up the chimney.
32. Too many cooks spoil the soup.
Unless one of those cooks is named Alton Brown.
33. Alton Brown ran a lemonade stand
as a child, just like the rest of us. But Alton Brown's lemonade was so
delicious, he bought his house with the profits.
34. Some salsas are so thick, a
tortilla chip may break off when dipping. Alton Brown's salsa has been known to
trap entire herds of wild deer.
35. Alton Brown grows truffles in his
back yard. And at harvest time, he sniffs them out himself.
In Alton Brown's fridge, the open boxes of baking soda aren't thrown out when
they're through absorbing odors. They go straight to the Louvre.
37. Like any trained chef, Alton Brown
can make any of the five 'mother sauces'. But Alton Brown also makes father
sauce, grandmother sauce, and great-uncle-twice-removed sauce.
38. Alton Brown's oven is a Hotternell.
39. Legend has it that a school of
piranha can strip the meat from a full-grown cow in sixty seconds. Alton Brown
can do it in thirty -- and wrap the cuts in butcher's paper, to boot.
Brown's fudge brownies aren't simply dark and rich. Alton Brown's fudge brownies
actually exert a mild gravitational pull.
41. Gordon Ramsay calls Alton Brown
42. Alton Brown was once pulled over
by a traffic cop who asked to see his driver's license. Though he had forgotten
his wallet, Alton Brown proved his identity on the spot by preparing a delicious
Stromboli using only the beef jerky, ketchup packets and stale doughnut scraps
found in the officer's car. Needless to say, Alton Brown was not given a ticket
43. To most people, 'a pinch of salt'
is an approximate measure. To Alton Brown, a pinch of salt equals three hundred
and twenty-four grains, exactly. And he can grab them, even blindfolded, every
Brown doesn't need to brush. Alton Brown's teeth are coated with Teflon.
45. Cervantes famously said: 'Hunger
is the best sauce in the world'. Cervantes clearly never tasted Alton Brown's remoulade.
46. Alton Brown doesn't use deodorant.
Alton Brown brushes down with olive oil.
47. Some chefs can sculpt fancy swans
out of foil to hold their diners' leftovers. Alton Brown's diners never have
48. Alton Brown scrambles eggs into
their individual component atoms. And can still make them into a tasty omelet.
49. Most soufflés collapse if you
breathe too loudly near them. Alton Brown's soufflés are guaranteed fall-proof,
up to 8.6 on the Richter scale.
50. Alton Brown's kitchen timer is an
atomic clock. It's set to GMT (Gumsmacking Morsel Time).
51. You or I might cream leeks until
they're tender. Alton Brown creams leeks until they say they're sorry.
Brown once carved a rose garnish from a radish peel so lifelike, neighborhood
bees tried to pollinate it. He planted and watered it, and now Alton Brown has a
whole rose garnish garden in his back yard.
53. Some desserts are so tasty, they
come with extra spoons. Alton Brown's desserts are so decadent, he cannot
legally serve them without defibrillator paddles for every person within a
Brown owns the fastest mixer in existence. When he runs it in reverse, time
55. The Eskimos have fifty words for
'snow'. Alton Brown has fifty words for 'kosher salt'.
56. Alton Brown's egg slicer can cut
through cue balls, too. And when he's done seasoning them, diners can't tell the
57. Most chefs are happy when they've
beaten egg whites into 'stiff peaks'. Alton Brown isn't satisfied until his egg
whites can support a watermelon.
58. Alton Brown doesn't bother buying
elbow macaroni. Alton Brown buys mezzani, and bends it with his will alone.
59. The sweat from Alton Brown's brow
registers 30,000 units on the Scoville scale.
60. Alton Brown once attended a
charity ball where a prize was awarded for the best donation. Though he showed
up seemingly empty-handed, he won the prize, anyway. Because Alton Brown brought
flavor to the party.