French Military History

bulletGallic Wars: Lost (0 - 1)
bulletIn a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
bulletHundred Years War: Mostly Lost (0 - 2)
bulletSaved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare, Frances armies are victorious only when NOT led by a Frenchman.
bulletItalian Wars: Lost (0 - 3)
bulletFrance becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars ... when fighting Italians.
bulletWars of Religion: No wins (0 - 8 - 4)
bulletFrance goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
bulletThirty Years War: N/A
bulletFrance is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
bulletWar of Devolution: Tied (0 - 8 - 5)
bulletFrenchmen take to wearing red flower pots as chapeaux.
bulletThe Dutch War (0 - 8 - 6)
bulletTied.
bulletWar of the Augsburg League / King Williams War / French and Indian War:
(0 - 8 - 8)
bulletLost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
bulletWar of the Spanish Succession: Lost (0 - 9 - 8)
bulletLost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
bulletAmerican Revolution: Won (1 - 9 - 8)
bulletIn a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare, France only wins when America does most of the fighting.
 
bulletFrench Revolution: Won (2 - 9 - 8)
bulletPrimarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
bulletThe Napoleonic Wars: Lost (2 - 10 - 8)
bulletTemporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
bulletThe Franco-Prussian War: Lost (2 - 11 - 8)
bulletGermany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to Frances ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
bulletWorld War I: Tied (2 - 11 - 9)
bulletBut on the way to losing. France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what its like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
bulletWorld War II: Lost (2 - 12 - 9)
bulletConquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
bulletWar in Indochina: Lost (2 - 13 - 9)
bulletFrench forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
bulletAlgerian Rebellion: Lost (2 - 14 - 9)
bulletLoss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare, We can always beat the French. This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
bulletWar Against Greenpeace: Lost (2 - 15 - 9)
bullet1985, the Greenpeace ship Rainbow Warrior prepares to sail for Moruroa Atoll for a major campaign against French nuclear testing. Agents of the DGSE [secret service] bomb and sink the ship in Auckland Harbor. One tree-hugger sans tree drowns. Six weeks later agents Prieur and Mafart plead guilty to charges of manslaughter and willful damage. They get sentences of 10 years and 7 years.  French Prime Minister Fabius admits to state terrorism on TV.
bulletWar on Terrorism: Pending
bulletFrance, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonalds.

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Last Edited: 08/27/2010