Jokes and Humor

Sorry. Most of these are groaners.

    A big U.S. corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".
    The cannibals promised they would not.
    Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm quite satisfied with your efforts. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
    The cannibals all shook their heads no!
    After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand started raising hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"

Texas Chili Cookoff

KITCHEN TECHNICAL EQUIVALENTS

	Ratio of an Igloo's Circumference to its Diameter: Eskimo Pi
	2000 Pounds of Chinese Soup: Won Ton
	1 Millionth of a Mouthwash: 1 microscope
	Time Between Slipping On a Peel and Smacking the Pavement: 1 Bananosecond
	Weight an Evangelist (Graham) Carries with God: 1 billigram
	365 Days of Drinking Low-Calorie Beer Because It's Less Filling: 1 Lite Year
	Half of a Human Large Intestine: 1 Semicolon
	453.6 Graham Crackers: 1 Pound Cake
	1 Kilogram of Falling Figs: 1 Fig Newton
	1 Millionth of a Fish: 1 Microfiche

How many Alton Brown fans does it take to change a light bulb? -by Infogirl

	Eight. One each to: Change the bulb Explain the history of the light bulb Explain how light bulbs work Show us how to pick the best light bulb Transcribe the event Ask where can "we" get that very same light bulb Research a source for the bulb on the net And lastly, to sell the old light bulb on E-bay -by infogirl
	Continuing from infogirl's above: One more to tsk tsk and wonder who would ever want to sell AB's old light bulb after being able to obtain it for themselves (while assuring everyone that it wasn't them selling the light bulb on e-bay). One more to share and show where they could find the same light bulb even cheaper! to 13: at least three others to share that they tried screwing in a light bulb just like AB showed and that it worked great! to 16: at least three to go slightly off topic and tell other light bulb jokes with at least one of them including a link so others can read them One more fan sharing that if a light bulb breaks in a socket, all one has to do is cut a potato in half and push the broken end of the light bulb that is still stuck in the socket into the flesh of half of the cut potato and use the potato, to twist out the broken part from the socket. to 20: three more fans to thank the seventeenth fan for the helpful hint. At least one says, they never knew that! Another saying, gee, that just happened and I was so glad to read what to do, you people are really great! One computer geek fan to show via moveable online pictures a demonstration of AB's technique Another fan asking the computer geek to explain how the moveable online picture demonstration of AB's technique was made and then, the twentieth fan's response. -by Susan
	Continuing from Susan's above: One to point out how much time some of these fans have on their hands.. but thank them for providing a wonderful description, helpful hint, humorous anecdote etc.. anyway! -by Charlene One to point out that great multi-tasker, the potato. Not only is it Good Eats, but you can use it to conduct electricity, make prints and take out broken light bulbs! -by Laurie
	Three: One to Hold the light bulb One to screw it in, and One to make sure its at the right temp. -by Ally
	None. We get Emeril Live fans to do it for us. -by derek erhart
	None. We don't use light bulbs because they can not multi-task. We work from the glow of the stove top (either the red glow of the electric elements or the blue flame of the gas jets. -by Carl Stenger

BOOK SIGNING CALL

Two fans try using cell phones to hook up at an Alton Brown Book Signing event

#1: [dials]
#2: [ring, ring] Hello?

#1: Hey. This is jamba35201. Is this MaryQueenOfScots?
#2: Yeah. Hey. Hello. Are you here, yet?

#1: Yep. Got here 3 hours before the store opened.
#2: Cool. We had traffic so we've only been here 2 1/2 hours.

#1: Great. Sooooooo, where are you?
#2: Well, it's hard to tell where exactly in the store I am with
    all of theses people but do you know where the WWII History section
    is? The area about 10' from the Espresso bar and not far from
    the international magazine rack?

#1: Oh, yeah, yeah. I know where that is. If you face the back of
    the store, you line up with the bathrooms and the Kierkegaard
    and Shakespeare display. Yeah. I'm almost right there.
#2: Cool. What are you wearing? I've got on my I'm A Briner_Red
    jersey, a baseball cap and I'm carrying my cutting board, my
    potato ricer and 3 copies of I'm Just Here For The Food for him to
    sign.

#1: Hmm ... I'm looking around but I don't see you yet. Can you see
    me? I'm wearing my "I'm Just Here For the Food" apron and I've
    got my Kitchen Aid Red 4.5 quart tilt-up mixer, my 2 Polder
    thermometers and my almost completed cardboard box smoker to be
    signed. I'm hoping he'll stand inside the smoker so I can get a
    picture of him in it. I want to caption it with, "Smoke It Till
    It's Brown." *snicker*
#2: No. Gosh. You'd think I'd see a guy with a smoker box. No ....
    no ... I'm not seeing you. We'll, there's a lot of folks in
    this store. Maybe we'll see each other as we wind around through the
    Dr. Seuss section.

#1: Okay. I'll keep and eye out for you. Gotta go. I've got to push
    all of this stuff forward 3 inches.
#2: Sure. Talk to you later.

#1: Bye.
#2: Bye.

--Mikemenn

ELEPHANT STEW

1 Elephant, Medium size
2 rabbits (optional)
Gravy

1) Cut elephant into bite size pieces and cover with gravy.
2) Cook over kerosene fire for about 4 weeks at 465 degrees F.
3) This elephant serves 3,800 adults and 35 children.
4) If more are expected, two rabbits may be added. Do this only if absolutely
necessary, as most people do not like to find a hare in their stew.

TWO CANNIBALS

Two cannibals run into each other in the jungle. The first one says, "I'm having trouble with my recipes for missionaries. I've tried boiling, baking, roasting, and they always come out tough and stringy."

The second cannibal asks, "Which missionaries are they?"

The first replies, "The ones down by the river bend with the strange haircuts and brown robes."

"Oh. Those are friars."

TWO CANNIBALS (2)

Then there's the one about the two cannibals sitting around the iron pot on the fire eating.
Cannibal #1. "I hate my mother in law".
Cannibal #2, "Just eat the potatoes".

GEORGE CARLIN FOOD FUNNIES

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

TWO DOGS

Two dogs are sitting on the curb watching the driver climb into his little brown UPS truck. One dog says to the other; "Oh, I tasted one once. Just tasted like mailman."

BREAKFAST

A piece of toast, some bacon, and 2 eggs walk in to a bar.
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

What is the difference between involved and committed?
In a bacon and egg breakfast, the chicken was involved, the pig was committed.

A SPECIAL PIG

A man was driving down a country road when he came to a farm. It was a pretty average farm - house, barn, animals - except for the fact that there was a pig with a peg leg strolling around the yard. The man's curiosity got the better of him so he stopped his car and went up to the house. He knocked on the door and when the farmer answered, he explained that he didn't mean to intrude, but he was wondering how in the world a pig would get a peg leg.

The farmer explained, "Well, one night last year everyone in the house was asleep. In the dead of night, that pig just started going wild out in the barn - squealing, oinking - and he woke the whole house up. We woke up to find our house on fire. Luckily, we all made it out in time. That pig saved my family."

The man said, "That's amazing! That is really a remarkable pig. But that still doesn't explain how he got the peg leg."

The farmer continued, "Well, after saving our family, we let the pig stay in the house at night. One night, just a few months ago, that pig started making a huge racket in my little daughter's room. We rushed in to find my daughter not breathing. Luckily, we got there in time and she's fine now. But if it weren't for that pig, we could have lost our dear daughter."

The man exclaimed, "That is the most incredible story! That pig is amazing. But still, how did he get the peg leg?"

"Well," said the farmer, "a pig that good - you can't eat him all at once."

CHICKEN VEHICLES

Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?
If they had 4 doors they would be chicken sedans.

SUPER FOOD

What is Superman's favorite entree at the upscale Metropolis Cafe?
He always has a capon.

THE WINDING RIVER

Once upon a time, a little boy lived by a river. It was a very boring river because the land was so flat there.

One day, the boy was eating lunch by the river, munching on a kosher pickle. All of the sudden, an idea comes to him and he pitches the pickle into the river. Instantly, the river is transformed into a majestic waterfall!

People came from miles around to witness the miracle. After seeing the beautiful waterfall, they turned to the little boy. "How," they asked, "how did you know to toss the kosher pickle into the river?" The little boy smiled and answered, "I just thought of that old adage--you know, that dill waters run steep!"

QUESTIONS

Q. How do you get holy water?
A. Boil the hell out of it.
Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.
Q. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A. Sanka.

RELIGIOUS FOOD

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."

PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY DIES

Subject: FW: Bakers Lament

I am sorry to be the one to break this news to you.

I could not call every one of you in person. I am truly saddened and the world has definitely lost a most influential and dearly loved member of our society. It is with a very heavy heart that I must pass on the following news.

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community, the Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday. He failed to rise from a yeast infection and complications from blunt finger trauma to the belly. He was 71 years old.

Mr. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, Sara Lee, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Pillsbury as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Mr. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Pillsbury Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

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Last Edited: 08/27/2010