The French Chef

The French Chef

Julia Child ... Dan Aykroyd

Julia Child: Welcome. I'm Julia Child. Today, we're going to make a holiday feast, and we're going to start with a half-boned chicken, a fine, fat roasting chicken. Now, first, remove the giblets - and you really should save the giblets. They make a fine stock for soup. Or you can save the liver and fry it up with some onions for a little snack; or if you have a number of livers, you can make a lovely liver pate, or a delicious liverwurst which you can spread on a cracker - a Ritz cracker, a Saltine ... or rye bread, or pumpernickel bread ... or if you're celebrating the Jewish holidays, you can make a chopped liver and shape it into the bust of a friend ... if someone's getting married or bar-mitzvahed. Or, if you have a little cat or a dog, they love liver. Save the liver! Don't throw it away! I hope I've made my point. Don't throw the liver away.
    Now, where was I? [looks around the kitchen] Oh, yes. Anyway, it's time to bone the chicken. Now, for this, you need a very sharp knife. You can't do nothing without a sharp knife! [holds chicken and cuts] Now, you place the chicken on its stomach, and cut along the backbone to the pug nose like so ... [drops knife] crap! Oh! Oh, now I've done it - I've cut the dickens out of my finger. Well, I'm glad, in a way, this has happened ... [blood squirts onto the chicken] We have never really discussed what to do.
    First, we must stop the bleeding. [holds her apron over her hand] The best way is to put pressure on the apron, like so ... [blood keeps sqirting all over the kitchen] Now, you want to raise your hand above your head so the blood doesn't pump all the way up. [blood continues to squirt] Well, the apron doesn't seem to be working, so I recommend natural coagulants, such as chicken liver ... [picks up the chicken liver] Remember not to throw away the liver! [blood squirts over the chicken liver] Oh, God, it's throbbing! Well, a tourniquet can be made, using a chicken bone ... [wraps towl and chicken bone around her hand] Find a pressure point between the heart and the wound - in this case, the wrist - and cut off the blood. This is a last resort, however, because you could lose your hand if you tighten it too much! [blood keeps squirting] If you're too woozy to tie the tourniquet, you might call Emergency Help - there's not much time left ... [hobbles towards the phone on back wall and picks it up] Now, every kitchen phone should have the Emergency number written on it somewhere ... [looks at phone] Uh-oh! This one doesn't! 9-1-1! [tries to dial the number, but can't] Oh, this phone is a prop, it doesn't work! [drops the phone, becoming woozy] That's a shame, because I'm remembering a time when I was a little girl and I ... had a dog named Admiral ... I used to give him liver ... and my mother gave me a doll ... [starts tipping from side to side] Why are you all spinning ... ? Uh ... I think I'm going to go to sleep now ... bon appetit ... [falls headfirst onto the counter, then jumps up one last time] Save the liver! [falls back onto the counter and twitches before dying]

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Last Edited: 08/27/2010