Anal Retentative Chef

Cooking with The Anal Retentive Chef

Gene ... Phil Hartman

[open on the Anal Retentive Chef's tidy kitchen]

Gene: Hello! And welcome to "The Anal Retentive Chef"! I'm Gene. Today, we're going to be making Pepper Steak. Now, you're going to need: one large bell pepper, three onions, exactly two inches in diameter, and 17 1/3 ounces of lean beef cut into 43 pieces. Okay, let's get started.
    Now, I've already cut up my bell pepper. Look at this. [holds up bowl] Isn't this nice? See how all the pieces are the same size? People try to tell you that the secret to Pepper Steak is the seasoning - but we know differently, don't we? Uh-huh. It's getting all the pieces the same size. And that's what I've done here. Beauti ... uh-oh! [pulls out piece of pepper] This one's a little bigger than the rest, so we'll just discard that one. [pulls out another piece] And I don't think this little wrinkly one belongs in here. [pulls out another] And this ... well, I just don't like the look of that one at all. Alright, as a matter of fact, why don't we just start over and throw this out? [places bowl on counter]

    And how do we throw things out? Okay. We take our paper towel, two pieces, unbroken, lay it out neatly, dump the refuse inside, arranged neatly ... [assembles the garbage] ... let's take these little nasties we separated earlier, put that back ... fold over carefully, making sure the corners are square ... and ... we take a piece of aluminum foil, and we place our refuse onto the foil, and fold over very carefully - this way, it won't leak onto the other garbage. Aluminum foil is such a miracle product! It's really an extraordinary product. Alright, and then we take a brown, paper sandwich bag ... [opens bag] ...place the refuse inside ... [drops it in] ...and ... oh no, this bag is torn.. [looks around] Well ... no, that's alright. We'll just fold over, and no one will see. We'll fold it over twice to be careful ... then we get our tape. [grabs tape, which is naturally covered in a cozy] And, we tape it shut - be very careful to center the tape on the bag. I like to keep my tape dispenser right here on the counter. There we go! [holds up bag] All ready for the trash. Now that's some garbage you can live with! [laughs]
    Alright, I noticed some of you were admiring my tape dispenser cozy. Isn't that pretty? I made it myself, out of toothpicks, felt, plain old buckroom, a couple of pearl buttons and some eyelets. Now, isn't that better than looking at an old tape dispenser? I think so! Alright. Let's set this over here. [places tape dispenser onto the counter next to the sink, behind him]

    Okay, where were we? We were going to dice the bell pepper. But ... oh ... [thinking] ... so, we're going to need our chopping block ... [pulls it out] But we can't put that down, because there's some water there from the bell pepper, so let's clean that up. As a matter of fact, this stovetop could use a lick and a promise while we're at it! So, how do we clean? We take our bucket ... but, first, let's remove the food products, because we don't want to get any caustic substances on the food, of course. [places food products on the counter next to the sink, behind him] Place these neatly in the background - this floor will be cleaned later.
    Okay, so we're ready to clean. [pulls up mop bucket] We've got our glove, to protect us - we don't want to ruin our manicure. And we've got a clean white cloth, and abrasive cleanser - none of that non-abrasive cleanser for us, it's good old-fashioned cleanser. That'll get us started, I think I'll clean these cabinets while I'm at it. And, oh! Look at this. [points to the stove] Aluminum foil is filthy! I'm going to have to replace that. So, we might as well pull that up right now. [closing music starts up] I don't when I cleaned that up last, I'd hate to think. And, God knows what those mopboards look like. But! We start at the top, and clean down, so as not to drip ...

Announcer: This has been "Cooking With The Anal Retentive Chef".

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Last Edited: 08/27/2010