T'was the Night Before Christmas - Good Eats style!
by Dana: 2006-12-12

Not a soupspoon was stirring,
No good eats in the house.
I had starved out my friends,
And the squirrel and the mouse.

The timer was set,
The tape handled with care,
In hopes that dear Alton,
Soon would be there.

I was all nestled
And snug in my bed,
While home-cooked aromas
Danced in my head.

The kitty was curled up
Taking a nap,
While I dreamed of real cocoa
With a whipped cream topped cap.

Pans flew to the cook top
With such a clatter,
The cat sprang from my bed
To see what was the matter.

I leaped to the kitchen,
To check out the scene,
The pots were all shiny,
Like never been seen.

The cups and the saucers,
They wanted to play,
The fridge door exclaimed,
"This is a new day!"

Tossed open the portal,
There appeared such a sight,
Fresh eggs, milk and butter
This WAS a delight!

The greens, they were...green,
And the pantry was filled,
I sighed for a moment,
"AB would be thrilled."

My hands, they were moving,
A Shun knife was drivin'
Sage chiffonaded,
And, no, I'm not lyin'.

I made things that night
No one would believe,
From a great Coq Au Vin
To cornbread and beans.

The hours, they flew by
I kept cooking more
The pastries, the veggies,
No fast-food stuff gore.

Ah, smell the aroma
Of Ginger, 5-spice,
I knew in a heartbeat
To grab for the rice.

What was I doing?
Asian ain't Christmas Season,
Oh, heck, it's good eats,
And it "Don't need a reason."

Ideas, they appeared
Out of nowhere - from space,
I cooked with a flourish
With style - even grace.

My technique was proficient,
My measuring sound,
Why, I knew "Pints a pound
The darn whole world around!"

I started to waver
And go Semi-Ho,
Then I regained my senses
For that's 'Nother show.

The plates overfilling,
Tables sagged to floor,
Yet I grabbed me more chicken
For I heard, "Fry some more!"

Now the grub, it was piled high
I was certainly blessed
"See, a Yankee CAN cook up
A holiday mess"!

But what would I do
With this boatload of food
I haven't a husband,
No family, no brood.

"Aha!" I exclaimed
As I sprang for the door,
Wait, some clothes would be nice,
"Oh bother," the chore.

I tossed on a sweatshirt,
And glanced at the sink,
Beneath were new slippers
In "pigletty" pink.

Inviting the neighbors
They looked at me funny,
They'd tasted my past eats -
I felt like Ben Bunny.

But, "This night is different"
I smiled and exclaimed,
"The food is amazing,
The flavors insane."

"You've just got to try it,
You'll never believe,
With a lil inspiration
What can be achieved."

They ate, heck...enjoyed
My late-night Christmas feast
Guzzled fresh eggnog
And gobbled roast beast

They supped the soufflé
Enjoyed rare rack of lamb
They said they would eat it,
Take that, Sam I am.

I pointed them home
When their bellies were full
Handing each one more cup
Of warm holiday swill

I turned to the kitchen
"What a sight! Peachy Keen!"
All the dishes were sparkling,
Gleaming and clean.

I took just a moment
To think on the matter
If this were only one night
I'd be sadder than sadder.

Then remembered the science,
The tips I'd been learning
My spirit was lifted
A passion was burning

I could tackle this cookin' thing
It's not such a hurdle
Just temper the mixture
Thus no eggs will curdle

It's payin' attention
To what you are making
Not "Ack!" French technique
Not "I'll have stirred, not shaken."

Thinkin' it through
The steps that you're takin',
It's sharing the good stuff
'Bout memory making

Gatherin' the family,
Friends, old and new,
Cooking and laughing
That's holiday stew.

Then I took just a moment
To thank that great man
Bringing Good Eats to people
With vision, a plan.

"Thank you, AB,
Your goal was not thwarted,
Your schoolin' and strivin'
Your patience rewarded."

"Thank you for taking
Mystery out of the meat.
Your students are braising
Their bounties replete."

One month before Christmas

- By Al on 11-27-2001
With sincere apologies to Clement C. Moore and to everyone else even remotely involved.

One month before Christmas, and all through the town,
    they're all on the highways, every nut, cook and clown.
The traffic is snarled, the shoppers psychotic,
    in hopes that, by Christmas, they won't be neurotic!
The kids are all begging for something gigantic
    while mothers and fathers turn Holiday-Frantic.

Mamma's in Bedford. I'm Bloomington-bound,
    hungry, unhappy and too tightly wound.
When, there, on TV there arose someone cooking
    and remaking leftovers without even LOOKING!
So to the remote I jumped like a rabbit,
    and turned up the volume, because that is my habit.

The glow from the screen on my junk-littered desk
    gave birth to the concept of stuff dinner-esque,
Then, what should I see, and what should I hear,
    but the nuttiest of shows with the COOLEST of gear,
With a strange-looking fellow, so funny to see,
    I knew in a moment it MUST be AB!

With jokes and aplomb, his dishes they came.
    He mugged and he joked as he called them by name:
"Cook Pasta and Pot Roast, cook Catfish au Lait!
    Make Salsa, Fried Chicken, Banana Brûlé!
"Try EVERYTHING, now, because cooking's a BALL,
    Now wash away, wash away, wash away all!"

In bowling shirt dressed, with slacks and pig-slippers,
    surrounded by teapots, salt cellars and flippers;
He was lank and long-jawed, a wry smile on his lips.
    His face, it was friendly, his hair spikes and snips.
Out on his porch sat a cardboard box smoker,
    and sawdust smoke circled this cooker and joker;

With a ref'rence to Martha (out-of-poem sound of thunder),
    he made turkey dishes of flavor and wonder.
Now, I cook pretty well, but Heaven Forbid:
    Ray and the Grips ate much better'n I did!
The food was amazing, the set-up, absurd,
    and, "wiggly," is neither a tech-term nor word.
But then, their salvation! An Osprey was heard!
    (Emeril's V22, and, oh no, not the bird!)

So, as family and crew got in Emeril's chopper,
    McGuffin asked AB the summation show-stopper:
Of turkey leftovers in one half-hour show,
    they'd pushed them about just as far as they go.

(And, oh, purest joy! I'm glad to discover,
    that AB, like me, is a hover-lover!)
But I think that he HAS one (Osprey or the like),
    for I am SURE we're NOT QUITE that alike.
And I heard AB call, as he flew through the lands,
    "Merry Christmas, and now, wash those raindeer-ey hands!"

T'was The Night Before Taping

- By lisa e on 11-26-2001

T'was the night before taping and all through the soundstage
    Sous Chefs and Key Grips were steaming in outrage.
The Director stood silent, his head hung in despair,
    in hope that a miracle soon would be there.

When out in the pantry arose such a clatter,
    I leapt up from my stool to see what was the matter.
And what to my weeping red eyes did appear,
    but a be-tocqued Alton Brown—with W bringing up the rear.

He looked up at the pot racks, but to find them all bare,
    yet tossed off a smile at Emeril’s big dare!
Rising like quick yeast, his assistants all rallied-
    and AB shouted to those who, well, tended to dally.

“On W! On Shirley! On Marcia! On Pete!
   The Big E thinks he’s got us-but he’s not got US beat.
“So Emeril has taken all our pots and our pans,
    our woozlekaddoodles, and our big giant flans!
"I’ve made lox in a box and I’ve baked on floor tiles.
    Nothing stops Good Eats,” Alton said with a smile.
His eyes glazed over, his fingers nimble and sure.
    From pantry to freezer he flew with great furor.

A wink of his eye, and a twitch of his head
    Gave the Director the sign that there was nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to the work.
    "More Foil! More Paper!" moving his arm with a jerk.

"Is that an old flower pot I see down below?
    Well, butter it, flour it and fill’er with dough.
"An old empty coffee can? Is that what I spy?
    We'll cut it in thirds for our meatloaf to lie!"

AB tested each contraption with an eye focused on function,
    each nook and each cranny, each seam and each junction.
The counters were soon laden with food after food,
    nestled in cans, clay pots and wooden shoes.

Alton tossed back a beer, wiped his lips with his hand,
    “Well it looks as if Emeril’s the one who got ‘bammed’.
“You all have been swell. It's been such a treat.
    “Now Good Eats to all and to all, well, Good Eats!”

W Got Run Over By A Reindeer

- By froggie775 on 11-28-2001 Click Here To Hear The Music

CHORUS
W got run over by a reindeer
While going to tell AB 'bout some gear.
You may think she is a perfect android
But she's harder to repair most every year.

W'd obviously been mis-programmed,
And we'd begged AB to keep her home.
But before he could hit the stop switch,
She was already out to buy a pizza stone.

When AB found her Christmas mornin'
Springs and wires popping out everywhere,
There were hoof prints all around her
And, strewn all about her, Santa hair.

CHORUS
W got run over by a reindeer
While going to tell AB 'bout some gear.
You may think she is a perfect android
But she's harder to repair most every year.

Now we're all so proud of AB.
He's been taking this okay.
He's brining up another turkey
To make s'more leftovers for Cousin Ray.

It's just not Good Eats without "Dub-ya"
And AB's bowling shirt is black.
But AB just can't help but wonder,
Now should he raid the gear box in the back?

CHORUS
W got run over by a reindeer
While going to tell AB 'bout some gear.
You may think she is a perfect android
But she's harder to repair most every year.

Now the turkey's on the table
And the cake make out of fruit.
AB's made more cranberry dip sauce.
W would have thought the spread was just a hoot.

AB's locked up in the workshop
Working day and night without a snack.
Santa don't know who he messed with
'Cuz now W's got an Osprey on her back.  (On her back!)

CHORUS
W got run over by a reindeer
While going to tell AB 'bout some gear.
You may think she is a perfect android
But she's harder to repair most every year, -ear, -ear!

Alton Baby

- By lisa e on 11-30-2001  Click Here To Hear The Music

Alton Baby, just make a little pasta for me, oh please
I've been an awful good girl
Alton Baby, so hurry to my kitchen tonight

Alton Baby, why not whip up a few fruit filled crepes for two
I’ll wait up for you dear
Alton Baby, so hurry to my kitchen tonight

Think of all the food I’ve missed
All those chocolate kisses my lips haven’t kissed
Next year I can be just as good
If I just stick to my Points list

Alton Baby, some fresh eggnog would bring me great cheer, oh dear
Did Weight Watchers- all year
Alton Baby, so hurry to my kitchen tonight

Alton honey, one little thing you should bake, a cake
Lots of frosting- please make,
Alton Baby so hurry to my kitchen tonight

Alton Cutie, and fill my tummy with a prime rib- au jus
As made only by you, Alton Cutie
And hurry to my kitchen tonight

Come and trim my steaks and roasts
Teach me how to make the perfect “Good Eats” toast
I really do believe in you
Let’s see if you believe in me

Alton Baby, another little thing to tell you — W
Leave her back at the Store, Alton Baby, and hurry to my kitchen tonight

Hurry to my kitchen tonight
Hurry ... Tonight

Good Eats Wonderland

- By kahvigirl on 12-1-2001  Click Here To Hear The Music

Timers ding—are you listening?
On the range, ham is glistening
A beautiful sight
On the table tonight
Cooking in a Good Eats Wonderland

Gone away
Is the "ewww!" bird
Here to stay
Is the "oooo!" bird
Garlic and spice
Make the chicken taste nice
Cooking in a Good Eats Wonderland

In the bathtub we can brine a turkey
And pretend that we are Alton Brown
Use the leftovers to make jerky
But that's another show (it'll come around)

Later on we'll conspire
To smoke fish on the fire
A skillet and box
Turn the catch into lox
Cooking in a Good Eats Wonderland

The 12 Episodes Of The Marathon

- By laura jacques on 12-02-2001  Click Here To Hear The Music

On the Marathon of Good Eats, was I surprised to see...

The 12 Days Of Good Eats

- By the folks at the Good Eats Fan Page Message Board on 12-14-2001
Click Here To Hear The Music

On the first day of Good Eats, Alton gave to us ...

All I Want For Christmas

- By froggie775 on 12-02-2001   Click Here To Hear The Music

CHORUS:
All I want for Christmas is a salt cellar
A salt cellar
PLEASE! A salt cellar
See, if I could only have a salt cellar,
Then I could have a Merry Christmas

It's been so long since AB said
"The first 200 will be signed by me"
But every time I try to buy
"Shipping Delay" is all I see [sigh]

CHORUS:
All I want for Christmas is a salt cellar
A salt cellar
PLEASE! A salt cellar
See, if I could only have a salt cellar,
Then I could have a Merry Christmas

Last Edited: 08/27/2010