[open on an exterior shot of a Barnes & Noble
with a sign reading "Welcome Briners"]

[dissolve inside]

[A sign on the wall reads 16th Annual Good Eats Convention — 2019]

Shiva: Hey, Mikemenn! Check this out!

Mikemenn [wearing "I’m Not A Nutritional Anthropologist" T-shirt]: Oh,
    outstanding!

Shiva: An original cast photo, right before they added Marsha!

Mikemenn: Oh, how much was it?

Shiva: Sixty dollars!

Mikemenn: Oooo. They got any left?

Loudspeaker: Attention Briners, now available in the Records section ... copies of
    the Mad French Chef’s single record, "Mon Dieu," right now, in the Records
    section.

Starwind: [doing the thumb movement to open a salt cellar] Hey guys!

Mikemenn & Shiva: [also doing the thumb movement] Hey Starwind!

Starwind: How you guys doing on the trivia quiz?

Mikemenn: Not too good. Did you got "the utensil used to stir oatmeal in
    Scotland"?

Starwind: [smugly] Yep: "spurtle".

Mikemenn: What about "a mussel’s spat"?

Starwind: It’s "larva".

Mikemenn and Shiva: [snicker knowingly to each other]

Starwind: What? Am I wrong? Am I wrong?

[more snickers]

Emcee: Attention! Attention! Hello everybody! Welcome to Day 4 of the 16th
    Annual Good Eats Convention here in Montpelier, Vermont. A few
    announcements ... Ah ... first ... ah ... a wonderful new... ah... item has just
    been added to the convention: it’s a rare copy of the long lost episode, Churn
    Baby Churn, on VHS no less.

Briners: Oooo! Ahhh!

Emcee: Yeah! It's a very special item, I'm sure you'll enjoy it, and it's ONLY ...
    thirty dollars. Secondly, we have some exciting guests at the convention today,
    so let me introduce them to you right now. First, we have the fabulous actor,
    Pete Turner. Now you all remember him as the Soluble Fiber in episode
    EA1E06, Oat Cuisine, in which he pulled three grocery carts around the
    intestinal “track”.

[snickers]

Emcee: And next up is Dr. Penny Adcock, the CDC specialist who was on several
    of the earlier episodes in which we now know that there was a little more
    than salmonella discussed. I understand life on the set was worse than eating a
    turkey stuffed with STUFFING!

Briners: [geeky laughter]

Emcee: Yeah! Well you'll all be able to meet Dr. Adcock in the History Section
    where she'll be signing copies of her new book, "For God’s Sake, Don’t Eat
    That!"
        And finally, the man you've all been waiting for, this is his first Briner
    Convention in quite a long time, I know he's thrilled to be here, the man who
    plays Alton Brown himself, MR. ALTON BROWN!

Alton Brown: [walks to the podium]

Emcee: Now Alton’s here to field a few questions so just fire away!

Briners: Mr. Brown! Mr. Brown!

Alton Brown: Alright, the first question, uh, [points to Mikemenn] go ahead!

Mikemenn: [geeky and nervous] Yeah! Okay, um, when you were retrieving the
    secret ingredient, okay, from your safe in Episode EA1A12? I was wondering,
    like um, w-w-what was the  ...

Alton Brown: [looks confused] Uh ... Episode EA1A12?

Mikemenn: Yeah!

Alton Brown: Um ... you gotta give me an INGREDIENT, see, cause it's been 20
    years and it's a long time ... an INGREDIENT ... 

Mikemenn: Yeah, okay, uh, Episode EA1A12, that's where you cook rice and W
    talks to you about rice cookers and you visit Crowley, LA in a "woefully
    underpowered aircraft."

Alton Brown: [smiling] Oh, oh, yeah right, I remember, okay uh ... what's the
    question?

Mikemenn: Well um, I was wondering if you could settle a bet for me and my
    friends, okay? Um, like, when you ... um ... were in the kitchen and went to
    your safe to get a secret ingredient out? And you opened up your safe? Um ...
    what was the combination?

Alton Brown: [lengthy pause, incredulous expression] I, I, I don't know! I mean,
    it's been a long time! I, uh... I don't know that! Uh, okay?

Mikemenn: [very disappointed] Okay! Okay!

Alton Brown: Anybody? Oh, all right, go ahead! You? Go ahead! You in the funny
    shirt!

Starwind: [wearing a Hawaiian shirt] Okay! Another bet ... okay ... in your
    real kitchen ... at your real home, uh ... how many gadgets do you have?

Alton Brown: [annoyed and perplexed, but begins counting to self] Uh, geez, I don’t know, uh ... 34?

Starwind: Wait, wait ... is that including the new OXO utensil your wife bought?

Alton Brown: [stunned pause] My wife bought a new utensil?

Starwind: Yes. On Tuesday.

Alton Brown: Well I ... I guess it's 35 then!

Starwind: ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! [congratulated by her friends]

Alton Brown: You know, before I answer any more questions there's something
    I’ve wanted to say. Having received all your e-mails over the years, and I've
    spoken to many of you at book signings, and some of you have traveled ... ya
    know ... hundreds of miles from Phoenix, Arizona to be here, I'd just like to
    say ...... GET A LIFE, will you people? I mean, for crying out loud, it's just a TV
    show! I mean, look at you, look at the way you're dressed! You've turned an
    enjoyable little job, that I did for the Food Network for a few years, into a
    COLOSSAL WASTE OF TIME!

[a crowd of shocked and dismayed Briners]

Alton Brown: I mean, how old are you people? What have you done with
    yourselves? [to Shiva] You, you must be over 30 ... have you ever been off
    the computer for more than 2 days? Do you actually cook? Can you even make
    coffee?

Shiva: [hangs her head]

Alton Brown: I didn't think so! There's a whole world out there! When I was your
    age, I didn't stare at the computer screen for days on end! I LIVED! I cooked!
    I went to the grocery store and actually picked up a tomato. So ... move out
    of your parent's basements! Buy a knife. Own a pot, for Pete's sake. And get
    your own apartments and GROW UP! I mean, it's just a TV show, IT'S JUST A
    TV SHOW!

Mikemenn: Are - are you saying then that we should pay more attention to the
    hour long specials?

Alton Brown: NO!!! THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING AT ALL!!! HEY, YOU GUYS ARE
    ... THE LAMEST BUNCH ... I'VE NEVER SEEN ... [walks away from podium]
    I can't believe these people ... I mean, I really can't understand what's ...

[Emcee argues with Brown off-mike, shoves him, Brown shoves back harder]

Second Emcee: Uh ... that was Alton Brown, ladies and gentlemen. Uh, I'd like to
    remind you Briners that we have some fine refreshments from all over the
    nation ... Tall and Tangy Tofu Thangy, Good Eats Chocolate Milk, Coffee: Black
    No Chaser, Green Tea, I believe. We ...

[Meanwhile, Emcee waves the contract in front of Brown,
who then reluctantly returns to the podium ...]

Alton Brown: [a little sheepishly] Of course, that speech was a "re-creation" of an out-take from my evil brother, B. A., from um ... Episode, um ... [Emcee whispers] ... EA1A11... uhh... called... [another whisper] "Use Your Noodle."

[Briners get happy, applaud]

Alton Brown: So thank you ... and, and ... Play With Your Food ...

[Briners make the salt cellar thumb movement]

Alton Brown: [getting into it now] So everybody ... get your spring loaded tongs ready, cause... THIS CONVENTION'S GOING TO BE HOTTER THAN A CAST IRON SKILLET, Y' KNOW? ALL RIGHT! HOTTER THAN A CAST IRON SKILLET!

Last Edited: 08/27/2010