| -Written by chefshawn |
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CHAIRMAN KAGA: Hello, Brown-san. Welcome to kitchen stadium. ALTON BROWN: Um, hi. Nice place you got here. Its a lot bigger than it looks from the outside. CHAIRMAN KAGA: Ha, ha, ha. Yes. But, don't let that intimidate you. You seem to have many fans here today. Its like you have your own fan club. I trust you will not let them down. ALTON BROWN: Oh? Yeah, well, you know. I may have mentioned to a few people that I was coming. You know how news flies! Uh ... ha, ha. Uh, ha. ummmmm ... CHAIRMAN KAGA: Hmm ... yes ... I suppose. Well, maybe now we can watch the time fly as well. You are here to challenge one of our Iron Chefs, but I want you to meet someone before you choose. BRING OUT THE NEW IRON CHEF!!! [rising out of the stage in a new spot with a background of an
[Alton Brown points boldly in Yan's direction]
COMMENTATOR: Well, I hope we're all ready for an exciting battle tonight. Everyone's getting settled into their kitchens, and ... what is brown-san doing? SATATSI UNIKO: Tee-hee-hee. He's flipping some little switch on a lidded cup, or sumthing? Tee-hee-hee. TOSHIRO-SAN: Um, yes. I've seen this thing before. Brown-san has taken a great liking to kosher salt put in a 'salt ... cellar.' He seems to use a lot of salt, and he likes to have it at ready access, while still being covered. CHRIS ROCK: Hey! That's what that is! You know I seen his show on TV one time, and I was like, WHAT THE H*** IS THAT THING?! I get it now. He was thowin' that stuff all OVUH some big ol' hunka steak. MAN, that looked good!. COMMENTATOR: Ok, ha ha. Well then ... we've already had two surprises tonight, and the fires aren't even hot! After this break, lets see what the chairman will reveal as tonight's theme ingredient! [SWOOSH OUT]
[SWOOSH IN] COMMENTATOR: Well, well! Hello again everyone from kitchen stadium! Welcome back! It looks like the chairman is taking his position and is about to reveal his theme ingredient. we've already mentioned that tonight we have American "un-chef" Alton Brown going up against the chairman's newest find, Stephen Yan, our American chef from the east. Now that you've met our guests here in the booth ...
COMMENTATOR: [nervous chuckle as usual] Well, hel, ho,
ho...sorry about that. ha, ha, ho...looks like a little confusion in the booth tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
But let's get onto the show! [Great exciting noises commence as a huge—much, much larger CHAIRMAN KAGA: ANIMAL FARM!!! ENTIRE PANEL, AND EVERYONE IN THE BUILDING, AND AT HOME: COMMENTATOR: HA HA! Oh my! What is this?! Chairman Kaga has pulled out all the stops for us tonight! Wanting the competitors to focus on the variety of American cuisine, it seems he has bought the farm! Inside this rather large room ... TOSHIRO-SAN: Is that a giant cooler? Those men look cold in there. SATATSI UNIKO: Yes, I think that man is shivering. COMMENTATOR: Ho, ho, ho ... yes! It's a giant enclosed room, complete with Kaga's own butchers, and it seems like they have taken the first steps toward an assortment of ready-to-cook American farm animals! Ha ha ho! It's a bit hard to see everything from ...
JACKIE CHAN: Nothing down there has feathers! Or skin! Wow, that's a lot of animals! TOSHIRO-SAN: [smart a**edly] Yes, you may notice that Americans eat most of their meats after they have been heavily prepared by various farmers, producers, and manufacturers. Getting a live, walking animal to a dinner table takes a very long time, and many American cooks forego the first steps altogether. I would say that Kaga put this to mind when he brought in his butchers to help out tonight. SATATSI UNIKO: [delightedly surprised] Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh ... CHRIS TUCKER: MAAAANNN, that is the SICKEST thing I have ever SEEN! Whatcha'll gonna do with all them cold dead animals everywhere?! That don't look like no burger that I'VE ever seen! COMMENTATOR: Ha ha ho ha! Yes, well there ARE a lot of animals in there, but the Kaga always likes to make sure both chefs have their fair share ... JACKIE CHAN: Oh, hey, he's saying something! maybe they start now?! CHAIRMAN KAGA: Bleh-blah-blu-bluh-bleh-blah-bleh-blee ... KWEEEEEEEEEEZ-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!!!!!!!!!!! GONNNNG!!! [Cameras zoom in, around, and all about as Yan tears off to COMMENTATOR: Ha ha! Well, the gong has sounded, and they're off! New Iron Chef American Yan-san is off at a sprint to the giant room to see what's in store, while challenger American un-chef Brown-san is instead busy setting up what looks like little partitions? TOSHIRO-SAN: Ah, yes, I've seen him do this before on his American show. Brown-san is very very cautious about sanitation and cross-contamination. It seems that once before, he was sickened by an improperly handled chicken, and hasn't been the same since. SATATSI UNIKO: Ohhhh ... poor dear. COMMENTATOR: Ho ho ha, ok, then! Well, I hope it doesn't affect his speed tonight! The two men have one hour to best use the various animals towards completion of their dishes. This should be interesting! [SWOOSH OUT]
[SWOOSH IN] COMMENTATOR: Ho ho ha, ok, then! well, I hope it doesn't affect his speed tonight! The two men have one hour to best use the various animals towards completion of their dishes. this should be interesting! [camera bounces around wildly, first catching glimpses of SATATSI UNIKO: Tee-hee-hee ... What is that the challenger is doing? Tee-hee-hee ... KANDAGAWA TOSHIRO: Um, yes. I've seen this before. Brown-san has mentioned that his style of cooking has a lot to do with 'blackboards.' In his 'Blackboard Cooking,' he makes up his ideas and writes them out. Then, with a strong knowledge of how foods work, and react with various other actions and energies, he sets out his plan of action before actually preparing any food. UNIKO, COMMENTATOR, CHAN: Ahh, Ohh ... CHRIS TUCKER: Man, whatEVER! Let's get this SHOW on the ROAD! When these guys gonna COOK somethin?! COMMENTATOR: Ho ho ha ... Well, ask and ye shall receive, Tucker-san. It looks like there's fast action already in high gear on both sides of the kitchen stadium! OTA: KWEEZON?!?! COMMENTATOR: Yes, Ota? OTA: Yes, I have spoken with both competitors just now, and asked them what they have in mind to prepare tonight. Chef Yan says that he plans to use the quail, pork, beef, and chicken of the animal farm. He plans to make four dishes. When I asked him if he had a dessert in mind, he said no. He says that his dishes tonight will all be savory dishes and that his fusion style of cooking will showcase new ways to taste them all. When I asked Brown-san what his plans were, he said that he is planning on creating five savory dishes. He also pointed out that even though the clock is ticking, the pressure is on, and he the language barrier is strong, he will still show us all that a room full of dead animals can turn into lots of GOOD EATS. BOOTH: [laughing, oohing, ahhing] SATATSI UNIKO: Tee-hee-hee ... I LOVE it when he says that! COMMENTATOR: Yes, well looking down into Chef Yan's kitchen, it seems that he has already begun preparing some of his meats for the dishes. From here it looks like he has split two of the quail, ground up a small amount of the pork, cut some steaks out of the beef strip, and has quartered 3 of the chickens. KANDAGAWA TOSHIRO: Um, yes. I've seen this before. Preparing the meats in advance will enable the chef to start any long cooking processes now, so that nothing will be left still cooking when the time is up. JACKIE CHAN: Hey! It looks like he is behind, already! Alton is already washing up his chicken-y hands! But, where are the foods? SATATSI UNIKO: Tee-hee-hee ... I saw him. He cut up a lot of the meats, and put them in little plastic containers in his refrigerator. But, I only saw four meats so far, and he said he was making five dishes. [she sees Alton slapping a whole pig onto a fresh board] Oh, wait! I think there is his fifth animal! What's he doing with that little black thing? KANDAGAWA TOSHIRO: Um, yes. I've seen this before. It looks like Alton is pre-stuffing his pig with ... HUGE KA-BOOM!!! CHRIS TUCKER: MAAAAN! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! HE JUST BLEW UP THAT PIG!!! COMMENTATOR: Ha ho ho, well then! How's that for "prepping the pork"? Ha ha ha ... OTA: KWEEZON?!?! COMMENTATOR: Yes, Ota? OTA: Well, it seems that Brown-san had used this method before to "cube one pound of pork" when he was stranded on a desert island. He says that for the sake of consistency, he had to repeat the primitive method so that the dish would be exactly the same for the judges tonight. COMMENTATOR: Ho ho ha ... ok, then. Well, you can't blame a man that! It looks like we might be in for a night full of surprises. CHRIS TUCKER: Man, what the hell is it with you people?! Is this a cooking show, or a fireworks display?! COMMENTATOR: Well, it must be both, because all the fires are on, and the kitchens are rocking! It looks like there is cooking going on in every inch of space down there! OTA: KWEEZON?!?! COMMENTATOR: Yes, Ota? OTA: [talking crazy fast again]
Yes,-there-is!-Over-on-Brown-san's-side,-in-this- SATATSI UNIKO: Tee-hee-hee ... Mmm. Those sound great! And they look so cute! Mmm. I can't wait ... OTA: KWEEZON?!?! COMMENTATOR: Yes, Ota? OTA: Well,-it-seems-that-there-really-is-a-lot-of-action-going-on-in-both- KANDAGAWA TOSHIRO: Um, yes. I've seen this before. This looks like he's working on a version of the classic Chinese Twice Cooked Quail. This is a very popular dish in both Chinese and Americanized Chinese Restaurants. SATATSI UNIKO: Tee-hee-hee ... Mmm. Sounds interesting. I can't wait to try it. I've had something called it before, but this may be different? COMMENTATOR: Hoo hoo ho ... Well, it DOES sound interesting to say the least. It looks like our new Iron Chef is going back to the classics tonight. [SWOOSH OUT]
[SWOOSH IN] SATATSI UNIKO: Tee-hee-hee ... Mmm. Sounds interesting. I can't wait to try it. I've had something called it before, but this may be different? COMMENTATOR: Hoo hoo ho...Well, it DOES sound interesting to say the least. It looks like our new Iron Chef is going back to the classics tonight. JACKIE CHAN: Those guys are moving pretty fast down there. It looks crazy. Maybe they could use me as another assistant? CHRIS TUCKER: MAN, WHATEVER! I've seen your cookin', Jackie! You couldn't slice and dice your way out of a wet paper bag! Why don't you just stick to your climbin' and kickin' and punchin' and let these guys show you how it's done?! JACKIE CHAN: My cooking?! MY COOKING?! What do you mean, MY COOKING?! How about your cooking, Mr. Can't-Boil-Water? Ha ha! You burned a salad! CHRIS TUCKER: Oh yeah, you little slanty-eyed board-breaker? — COMMENTATOR: Ho ho hay ha ... OK, guys! Looks like a little bit of rivalry even in the booth tonight! Man, what action we have here in kitchen stadium. Down on the floor, the chefs and their assistants are running around like mad getting their meats cooking in every possible cooking device. It looks like Alton Brown has even brought a few assistants straight from his show. SATATSI UNIKO: Tee-hee-hee ... Oh yes, I think I've seen them before. But, I've never seen a woman assistant down in the kitchen there before. KANDAGAWA TOSHIRO: Um, yes. I've seen her before. I believe the woman dressed all in black is called 'W.' On his show, Brown-san often goes to her for assistance in tools and cooking vessels. With so many at his disposal down there today, it makes good sense for him to have her on board. Also, I believe the other two assistants, the ones there in whites, are known as Paul and Chuck. They have also made several appearances on the show, usually as helpers. COMMENTATOR: Ha ha ho ... Well, it looks like their doing great things today, too! Everybody racing around, knives cutting, rices steaming, pigs flying, and the smells are all over the air! OTA: KWEEZON?!?! COMMENTATOR: Yes, Ota? OTA: Thank-you.-I-have-been-making-more-rounds-through-kitchen-stadium-and- COMMENTATOR: Ha ha ho ... Well, it sounds like a mad rush down the ... OTA: KWEEZON?!?! COMMENTATOR: Yes, Ota? OTA: I-was-not-finished.-I-was-merely-taking-a-breath.-On-the-other-side-of- SATATSI UNIKO: Tee-hee-hee ... Wow! So much FOOD! I'm so hungry, already, but I don't know if I can eat it all ... tee-hee-hee. KANDAGAWA TOSHIRO: Um, yes. I've seen this before. You will notice that one difference between tonight's chef's is the amount of food being prepared by each one. While Yan-San will probably stick to the Chinese habit of 'less meat, more vegetables,' Brown-san will more likely stick to his American habit of 'more meat, less vegetable.' I believe it is this carnivorous attitude of the American people that contributes to so many recipes for what they call 'leftovers.' Many American cooks and professional chefs have tendencies to prepare large amounts of meats, and use them in several different dishes over a period of time. CHRIS TUCKER: What chew mean? Like how Mama cut up all that leftover chicken, and threw it in a big ol' pot of dumplins? Man, now THAT'S good eatin! COMMENTATOR: Ha ho ha ha ... Yes, I think so. Reminds me of Big Mama's chitlins and collards cookin' all day on the stove down in---I, um, ha ha ho ... I mean, yes! Leftovers are widespread in American kitchens, but none here in kitchen stadium tonight! FIFTEEN ... MINUTES ... REMAINING COMMENTATOR: Ho ho ha, well then! That sound means that only 15 minutes of time remain for our chefs tonight, and there are no plates ready! It looks like the pace has slowed a bit down in kitchen stadium. Both chefs are still cooking most of their meats, and assistants are busy at work cutting vegetables, and it looks like Brown-san has been cleaning everything in sight over and over- KANDAGAWA TOSHIRO: Um, yes. I've seen this before. You will notice on Brown-san's show that kitchen sanitation always comes first and foremost. That would explain all the different cutting boards from earlier, and his many towels now. SATATSI UNIKO: Tee-hee-hee ... Well, that's ok with me! Better safe than sorry! JACKIE CHAN: Hey, look! It looks like some of the foods are almost ready! COMMENTATOR: Ho ho he ha ... Yes, I think you're right, Chan-san! It looks like at all of the same time, the steaks are done grilling, there are birds coming out of steamers, and last minute cooking is all over the place! OTA: KWEEZON?!?! COMMENTATOR: Yes, Ota? OTA: Yes,-you-are-right!-As-you-can-see-here-on-the-challenger's-side,-the- COMMENTATOR: Ho ho ha ho ... Well, it does look like everything is beginning to come together, and with time to spare for our chefs! With the clock ticking away, it seems like a no-stress pace all around! KANDAGAWA TOSHIRO: Um, yes. I've seen this before. Brown-san is known for his non-use of unnecessary garnishes. You're not going to see many inedible frilly-nillies on his plates, but more likely just a large portion of what you are meant to eat. CHRIS TUCKER: Yeah! That's right! Who wants to eat a steak with a bunch of weeds thrown all over the plate? And what is it with you people throwin' those green onions everywhere?! ONE ... MINUTE ... REMAINING COMMENTATOR: Ha ha ho! Well, there's our final reminder, we have come down to the last minute! The Iron Chef and his challenger have picked their paces back up, plates are being assembled, steaks are being sliced, and garnishes are being ignored! This is the crowning moment, and time ... is ... up! GONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGG [SWOOSH OUT]
[SWOOSH IN] COMMENTATOR: Ho ho ha, well it's time for judging! Chairman Kaga has decided that tonight's judging panel will be made up of our friends in the booth. So, let's get started with the challenger. Un-chef Alton Brown presents to us tonight his edible version of Animal Farm by creating five dishes: Sweet and Sour Pork over Rice, Southern Fried Chicken, Mighty Duck with Wilted Swiss Chard, Pan-seared Rib Eye Steak, and Stuffed Goose Breast With Caraway And Apples. KANDAGAWA TOSHIRO: Mmm ... This pork is a great version of a classic dish. The sauce and the fresh vegetables goes very well with the fried pork and the hint of Chinese gun powder. SATATSI UNIKO: Tee-hee-hee...Yes, I had completely forgotten about that! This is great ... so good. JACKIE CHAN: Yes, it's good. I like it best fresh, too. It's a shame there's so much pork leftover, though. CHRIS TUCKER: Man, quit chor WHINING! THIS is what Chinese food is all about! This is what I wish every little folded white box could taste like when it gets to my door. SATATSI UNIKO: Tee-hee-hee ... Mmm ... This chicken is delicious! So juicy! But it's a bit hard to eat with these chopsticks. TOSHIRO, CHAN, TUCKER: [stuffing greased faces with full hands of fried chicken] Mmm ... Yeah ... Good ... Delithshthsh ... [Mighty Duck With Wilted Swiss Chard] KANDAGAWA TOSHIRO: Now, THIS is classic duck at its finest. His simple preparation from a simple marinade goes perfectly together. Cooking the chard in the duck's pan really added a great flavor to an easy accompaniment. SATATSI UNIKO: Tee-hee-hee...Mmm...Yes, its so good. These greens are so good, and the crispy skin of the duck is such a great texture with the juicy meat! JACKIE CHAN: This is great! I don't think I've ever had just duck, straight up. It's usually surrounded by so many other things, that you don't know what you're paying all the money for. CHRIS TUCKER: This is DUCK?! Is that IT?! Big deal! Tastes like a little chicken with a big hunk of fat on it. It's good, though, for a chicken. SATATSI UNIKO: Tee-hee-hee ... Mmm ... This is such a great steak. I thought it might be too salty from the way he was covering it earlier, but it really turned out nicely. KANDAGAWA TOSHIRO: Yes, and he presents it so well, by slicing it thinly ... like a small roast. JACKIE CHAN: Mmm ... Good steak. I'll have to try that at home. CHRIS TUCKER: Now, THIS is some GOOD EATIN! Just a big steak-on-a-plate! It's all you really need! [Stuffed Goose Breast With Caraway and Apples] KANDAGAWA TOSHIRO: This dish is very good, but it doesn't seem like Alton Brown's style of cooking. The apples and caraway in the stuffing are a great contrast of flavors, but I feel like this is a recipe that has been 'borrowed' from another chef. SATATSI UNIKO: Tee-hee-hee ... Maybe you're right. But the slices look very nice, and they go so well over the spiced cabbage. CHRIS TUCKER: I don't know WHAT you guys are talking about. You mean these little wheels? Yeah, they're alright. But, there not fried chicken! JACKIE CHAN: I like it. It's definitely different from his other dishes, but it's very good. COMMENTATOR: And now, for the Iron Chef's dishes. He delivers to us what he is calling: Twice-Cooked Quail, Precious Pearly Rice Balls, "Roast Duck" Nachos with Asian Guacamole, Beauty Queen Beef, and Succulent Steamed Chicken with Ginger-Soy Dipping Sauce. KANDAGAWA TOSHIRO: This dish turned out exactly as I had expected. It's quite good, but I've had this many times before. SATATSI UNIKO: Tee-hee-hee ... Yes, but it is very good. JACKIE CHAN: Well, I've never had it. This quail bird is so small, and its really good with the vegetables. CHRIS TUCKER: You mean they got ANOTHER tiny chicken?! That's the funniest thing I've seen all night! KANDAGAWA TOSHIRO: Now, this is different. The two colors of rice make these little bites look nice. And on the inside you get the taste of well seasoned pork, made lighter with the shrimp. These have been perfectly steamed. Overcooking would have made them rubbery and dry. SATATSI UNIKO: Tee-hee-hee ... Yes, they look so cute! JACKIE CHAN: Yes, very good, and good looking. CHRIS TUCKER: Hey, any of ya'll got any honey mustard? Barbecue sauce? Somethin' to dip these things in? ["Roast Duck" Nachos with Asian Guacamole] CHRIS TUCKER: NACHOS?! That ain't no Chinese food I'VE ever eaten! Where'd he come up with this? First, you people take over our video games, then you gotta take our favorite snacks, too?! JACKIE CHAN: These are great. I like how each one is separate. You can pick them up one at a time, not like SOME PEOPLE'S version. [glaring at Tucker] CHRIS TUCKER: What? Chew got a problem? The rule is, if you get all the nacho stuff on one chip, then that's one nacho. Everybody knows that! KANDAGAWA TOSHIRO: Ha ha, well. The sliced duck is roasted perfectly. This is a very interesting presentation over the guacamole and the chips are light and crispy change from regular potatoes or tortillas. SATATSI UNIKO: Tee-hee-hee ... They look so perfect! The round little chip, the fresh avocado, the cute little slice of duck, and the little dot of sauce, and the perfect little bits of onion. It's such a mouthful! I love it, I DO! CHRIS TUCKER: You see! That's what I'm talking about! Chopped up little onions, all over the plate! What's up widdat? KANDAGAWA TOSHIRO: This is very nice. The light mushroom sauce goes wonderfully with the steaks. The lean slices of beef just melt into the mouth with the lingering mouth feel of the sauce is just perfect umami. CHRIS TUCKER: Umami?! What are you talking about? Whatever, man, but you're right. What we call it in ENGLISH is GOOD. And, by the way, can I get a fork over here, or what? Is this why all of you are skinny and growth stunted, kuz' you're tryin' to pick everything up with a couple of sticks?! JACKIE CHAN: They're chopsticks, you idiot! Just do this, and figure it out! SATATSI UNIKO: Tee-hee-hee ... And I though the fried chicken was difficult. But, yes, this steak is wonderful. I would never think such a large piece of meat could become such a light and tasty delicacy. Wonderful. [Succulent Steamed Chicken with Ginger-Soy Dipping Sauce] KANDAGAWA TOSHIRO: Mmm. This is nice. Chicken is such a plain food. The marinade does wonders for the flavor of the meat, and this dipping sauce is the perfect complement. SATATSI UNIKO: Tee-hee-hee ... Yes, this is very good. I like the sauce, too, but it could be spicier. Maybe more chili pepper? CHRIS TUCKER: Yep. It must be chicken. Tastes just like chicken to me. Needs some Tabasco. JACKIE CHAN: Good. This is simple. It could definitely use a little spice, maybe some kick. COMMENTATOR: Well, there you have it, all of the judges opinions on every dish created tonight! Now, let's see how they voted! [SWOOSH OUT]
[SWOOSH IN] CHAIRMAN KAGA: Tonight, I have introduced many new challenges. I decided that with two new chefs, we should have many new challenges for them. I am very pleased with the different ways in which the chefs took my humorous view of Animal Farm. Tonight, as yet another surprise, this battle's winner will be invited to stand with my other Iron Chefs as the new Iron Chef - American! COMMENTATOR: Well, well, ladies and gentlemen, tonight we have all seen a truly eye-opening battle! From the invitation of an American un-chef, to multiple theme ingredients, to a flying pig, there has never been excitement quite like this before! Kitchen stadium has rocked and rolled, while cuisines have swayed across the oceans. The animals were cut, the meats were cooked, and the plates were judged. And now, the bold invitation of tonight's winning chef to join the ranks of the invincible! It's time for the verdict! Which chef takes it?! WHO'S CUISINE REIGNS SUPREME?!?! [zoom to Kaga] CHAIRMAN KAGA: Higity-bigityi-pityi-pity-bleh-bleh-bleh-bleh-bleh-bippity- COMMENTATOR: THERE YOU HAVE IT! The great upset for the newest Iron Chef, and the great new opportunity for American un-chef Alton Brown to join the ranks of four of his noted favorite chefs! The scores were close, the tension was tight, and the spirits were high! Now, let's listen in on the congratulatory meeting. CHAIRMAN KAGA: Brown-san. You have impressed me tonight more than any American ever has in my kitchen stadium. Before tonight, I was beginning to fear that all American chefs were rude, arrogant, cocky, grill-needing, whiny--sorry. Never mind. As promised, you have defeated my newest Iron Chef, and I would like to offer to you the American's place among the ranks of my invincible Iron Chefs. Your simple approach to "good eats" makes for wonderful, basic foods that I believe you can add to and build upon in many different ways. [grasping Alton's shoulder] Do you accept my offer? ALTON BROWN: [being shaken by Kaga's hand on his shoulder] Well, I, uh ... I, um, I'm FLATTERED, um...I- [being shaken more and more vigorously, AB is suddenly DEANNA BROWN: Honey? Honey? Wake up. Have you been drinking? You've never fallen asleep during Iron Chef before. Now get up, and come to bed. And check in on Zoey on the way. ALTON BROWN: Hunh, wuh? Where? Oh, uh, yeah ... I'll be up in a minute. Just a minute. [thinking] Dang, what a rip! I was THAT CLOSE! Why did she wake me up? ARRGH!!! Oh well, at least even in the dream world, I can make for my imaginary fans ... [... WAIT FOR IT ...] ... GOOD EATS. |
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Last Edited: 08/27/2010 |
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