[Everyone stands for the twenty-three minutes that it takes for
Judge Child to totter over to the chair then they sit]

Julia Child: Lets get this started I have a capon brining that I need to get into the oven in three hours.

Emeril Lagasse: Your honor, given that you have limited time and are predisposed to brine shouldn’t you recuse yourself?

Julia Child: Listen whippersnapper. Don’t you go telling me what to do. Now get started.

Emeril Lagasse: Yes your honor. We intend to prove that AB has recklessly misled the public through his television show Good Eats. The prosecution calls Mario Batali.

[Mario takes the stand barely managing to squeeze himself into
the chair then remembering he has to stand to take the oath]

Tyler Florence: Place your hand on this mandolin and repeat after me, 'I swear as a chef to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.'

Mario Batali: I swear.

[Henceforth this standard procedure will be eliminated to
reduce bandwidth but rest assured it occurs for every witness.]

Emeril Lagasse: Chef Batali, what travesty has AB heaped upon fine Italian cuisine?

Ming Tsai: Objection. Leading.

Julia Child: Sustained. Watch your language councilor.

Emeril Lagasse: I’ll rephrase the question. Chef Batali in your opinion has AB misled people about Italian cuisine?

Chef Batali: He most certainly has. First he maintains that good pizza is not about toppings which everyone knows it is. Then he desecrates Italian tomato sauce by starting out with a mire poix, a French concoction no less.

Emeril Lagasse: I see. And how do you think that has impacted the public?

Mario Batali: It has led them to believe that this is traditional Italian cooking, which is completely false.

Emeril Lagasse: Thank you chef, your witness.

Ming Tsai: Chef Batali did AB ever claim that he was making traditional Italian cuisine?

Mario Batali: Umm, no.

Ming Tsai: No further questions.

Julia Child: You’re excused, Chef Batali.

Emeril Lagasse: The prosecution calls Wolfgang Puck. Chef Puck do you have any complaints about the defendant.

Wolfgang Puck: Of course. He never even mentions Austrian cooking.

Emeril Lagasse: I see. What else has he done to degrade the cause of cooking?

Wolfgang Puck: He actually encourages the use of leftovers in cuisine.

[Huge gasp for the gallery]

Emeril Lagasse: I would like the jury to take special note of that because every other chef at the Food Network encourages the use of fresh ingredients.

Ming Tsai: Objection. Argumentative.

Julia Child: Sustained. Save it for the closing, brillo boy.

Emeril Lagasse: Excuse me?

Julia Child: Get on with it.

Emeril Lagasse: Yes your honor. Is there anything else Chef Puck?

Wolfgang Puck: I can’t stand how he is always going on about multi-taskers. Doesn’t he know there is the proper tool for a job and you should use that tool. You don’t use a flathead screwdriver to remove a Phillips head screw.

Emeril Lagasse: Your witness.

Ming Tsai: Chef Puck has your restaurant ever used leftovers for anything?

Wolfgang Puck: Of course not.

Ming Tsai: Are you sure about that? We are prepared to call your sous chef if necessary.

Wolfgang Puck: You got to Amadeus? How dare you. I had him vacationing in Switz ... umm ... Well, I guess we may have used leftovers once or twice.

Ming Tsai: Did you not use a knife to crush garlic on your show broadcast on February Eighteenth of 2002?

Wolfgang Puck: Well ... it is possible I did that.

Ming Tsai: No further questions your honor.

Emeril Lagasse: The prosecution now calls Sarah Moulton. Chef Moulton you had AB on your show, correct?

Sarah Moulton: Yes I did.

Emeril Lagasse: How did that go?

Sarah Moulton: Well it went ok. But he was just so energetic and hyper he really threw my rhythm off. He totally took over my spotlight.

Emeril Lagasse: Would you describe the defendant as a conceited man who needs copious amounts of attention?

Sarah Moulton: I think I would.

Emeril Lagasse: As a chef what do you think those personality traits would produce?

Sarah Moulton: A chef that wouldn’t listen to conventional wisdom and would intentionally go against it.

Emeril Lagasse: Can you list just one specific example of how the defendant doesn’t follow culinary traditions?

Sarah Moulton: He doesn’t use garnishes.

Emeril Lagasse: Your witness.

Ming Tsai: Chef Moulton did you interrupt the defendant or try to force yourself in front of him during your show?

Sarah Moulton: Surely I wouldn’t do that.

Ming Tsai: Please direct your attention to the television I have set up with a clip from that episode which we are entering a defense exhibit one.

[Clip is shown where SM bodily steps in front of AB when he is
trying to do something and doesn’t let him get a word in edgewise.]

Ming Tsai: Care to rethink that last answer Chef Moulton?

Sarah Moulton: Umm ...

Ming Tsai: That’s ok. I’m finished.

Emeril Lagasse: For the final witness we call Rachel Ray. Chef Ray is there anything you think the defendant has let the home cook down over?

Rachel Ray: Yes he goes to the places like San Francisco and South Pittsburgh, Tennessee. But he never talks about the food there. All he does it talk to people who raise ducks or sell tea.

Emeril Lagasse: So you would say he hasn’t done his duty as a celebrity chef to expand people’s horizons of what is out there?

Rachel Ray: Of course not. His show consistently encourages people to cook in there own homes and not go out to eat.

Emeril Lagasse: Thanks, Chef Ray. Your witness.

Ming Tsai: Chef Ray your main beef with my client is that he has people cooking more in there own home than eating out?

Rachel Ray: Yes.

Ming Tsai: I thought the Food Network would want that.

Rachel Ray: Well we do to a point, but what we really want is for people to experience the adventure of food.

Ming Tsai: And Good Eats fans don’t do that?

Rachel Ray: No.

Ming Tsai: That is all.

Emeril Lagasse: The prosecution rests.

Ming Tsai: For my first witness I call Frances Anderson. Did you cook much before watching Good Eats?

Frances Anderson: Of course I did. I cooked all the time.

Ming Tsai: Did you watch the Food Network?

Frances Anderson: Yes I did.

Ming Tsai: Did you ever cook recipes from the shows?

Frances Anderson: A few times but not a lot.

Ming Tsai: What about after watching Good Eats?

Frances Anderson: Oh, I cook Alton’s recipes all the time. And I always get wonderful reviews, except for those ribs, which were too salty.

Alton Brown: [jumping up] My ribs aren’t too salty. Did you use the entire rub on just two sets of ribs?

Julia Child: (banging gavel) Order! Order! Control your client, counsel.

Ming Tsai: [gives AB a stern look while AB sheepishly sits back down] So, AB has encouraged you to broaden your culinary horizons?

Frances Anderson: Most definitely.

Ming Tsai: Your witness.

Emeril Lagasse: You watched other shows on Food Network?

Frances Anderson: Yes.

Emeril Lagasse: Did you ever watch one of mine?

Frances Anderson: Yes.

Emeril Lagasse: Did you ever try one of mine and how did it turn out?

Frances Anderson: Yes I did, but it was bad. I didn’t understand why I was tempering the eggs or how to whip until I got medium peaks and the whole thing was a disaster.

Emeril Lagasse: Oh ... umm ... that is all I have.

Ming Tsai: The defense calls AB. Mr. AB do you feel you have recklessly misled the public on your show?

Alton Brown: No, of course not.

Ming Tsai: Why is that?

Alton Brown: Well I’m trying to convey some very simple, but incredibly useful techniques and approaches. Things you can use all the time to produce good food that people want to eat. For example, I use a lot of cast iron to cook with in my show because of its thermodynamic properties.

Ming Tsai: Ok, and why do you discuss the thermodynamic properties of cast iron?

Alton Brown: Because that way people understand why to use it instead of a saucier. Look, we don’t cook in a vacuum. We cook where chemistry, history, math, even meteorology has an effect. Once we understand the things that influence cooking we can be better cooks. I try to educate and entertain at the same time because I don’t think you can educate without entertaining.

Ming Tsai: So you really want to show some basics not all this high faluting stuff you mostly see on cooking shows.

Alton Brown: Exactly. There are chefs out there who do wonderful things. I don’t want the home cook trying them and not being able to do that and feeling guilty. It would be like trying to paint a Picasso after seeing him working on a canvas. We can’t do that, which is why they are chefs who cook in restaurants and we cook at home.

Ming Tsai: Thank you AB, your witness.

Emeril Lagasse: Have you ever bought croutons?

Alton Brown: Yes.

Emeril Lagasse: I thought that you said croutons shouldn’t be purchased in Salad Daze.

Alton Brown: But in Head Games I explained that you could just as long as you don’t use them as croutons. I even specifically mentioned Salad Daze in explaining why I was using them.

Emeril Lagasse: What about wine?

Alton Brown: What about it?

Emeril Lagasse: You said in Mussel Bound that you purchase wine you wouldn’t drink, while in A Bowl of Onion you say don’t use something you wouldn’t drink.

Alton Brown: I was talking about cooking wine in Mussel Bound.

Emeril Lagasse: You were also talking about cooking wine in A Bowl of Onion.

Alton Brown: Umm yeah I guess I was. Kind of goofed up there.

Emeril Lagasse: One final question, why are your ribs salty?

Alton Brown: MY RIBS ARE NOT SALTY!

Emeril Lagasse: That is all.

Ming Tsai: The defense rests.

Julia Child: Ok Mr. Bam your closing.

Emeril Lagasse: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. We have seen that the opinion of the chefs is clearly against what AB does. He bucks convention and encourages obviously incorrect behavior. For these reasons you must convict the defendant.

Ming Tsai: The chefs who spoke today only speak out of fear. Fear that this man will encourage people to throw off the shackles of conformity for the sake of conformity. AB is just striving to show that we can all make Good Eats if we have a little bit of knowledge and the desire to work at it.

Julia Child: Thank you. Jury members you can now retire to the chamber to arrive at your verdict.

Last Edited: 08/27/2010